Feedback on this series

[obo]

I would appreciate any feedback on the 5 story Teresa Scalia series I have posted over the past several weeks. The stories are found in the Humor and Satire Section. The links are placed in order and although not absolutely required, I suggest that the stories be read in that order. Thanks in advance for your comments.

obo

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=81386

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=83639

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=85166

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=89984

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=92810

 

[obo]

Alas, this request for feedback was made a week ago and yet no one has seen fit to offer any. Collectively the series has nearly 16,000 views, evidently someone is reading my offerings. I'm not trolling for compliments, but appreciate constructive criticism and I like to know if there are others who enjoy this type of story.

obo

 

[the_bragis]

Hello obo,

Yes, I know how frustrating it is to request feedback – and get none. I read your first story.

The first problem that struck me was simply a lack of a hook. What’s a hook? Well you know it's that certain something that makes a reader want to read on.

Theresa or Terri as she was usually called, was very active in charitable and community activities. A little too active.
Ok, there it is, there’s that opportunity to slip in the ‘hook’. Exactly what kind of activities? She's teaser and a tempter, right? So here is your opportunity to tease and tempt your reader. You don’t think so? No problem, but you need something in your first paragraph, or if you can manage it, your first couple of lines that's going to get your reader interested and wanting to know what happens next.

A town of upper middle class families whose husbands earned salaries that allowed wives to remain at home often with too much time on their hands.
This read awkwardly to me, I think it should have been ‘families where the husbands earn salaries.

This attitude did nothing to ingratiate her with the other wives of the community all of which were active
Should be ‘all of whom were active. There are a few little typos and such that a good proof read would catch. Oh boy, don’t I just feel like the munchkin calling the midget short saying that!

Terri was of Italian descent, age 33, height around 5’7”, weight a well distributed 135 pounds, measurements 36 – 24 – 37
Numbers don’t work, and since they really bug some readers – don’t use them. Remember too, that not all of your readers are in the USA. Here in Australia, where I am, and also in Europe, the metric system is used so readers won’t have clue what those measurements mean. Particularly when talking about her body, soft curves, rounded hips, full breast, etc, will always work better than numbers. Like how you do a little bit further down in describing her legs.

And she always wore heels whether it was at soccer practice or at the community theatre.
I had a little chuckle when I read this. Can you believe it? I actually know a woman like this!

After all, wearing heels gives those cheeks a saucy tilt.
This is a nice hot little line, only you have slipped into present tense (gives/ gave) here. Again some reader are really unforgiving about that.

She soon became known, among the men, as the P. A. (perfect ass). And among the women, P. A. stood for pain in the ass.
Good and witty, I like it! Only avoid using brackets. People who know a lot more than me, say there break the sense of ‘suspended believe’.

Her boobs just looked too perfect.
I’m just like the other women in your story – I can’t stand women like this either!

Ok, here I’m four paragraph in, and they’re long one too, and yet the story still hasn’t begun. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy an introduction, and it’s important to have one, but I felt this was just too much. You tell your reader lots but show nothing. So what the hell is she talking about I hear you say. Well take these examples:

Terri was the subject of considerable speculation on the authenticity of her breasts.

“Oh she’s had boob job for sure!”

“Well of course she has darling, no-one’s tits stick our like that naturally!”

“I heard she had her ass lifted too. Oh yes. Mavis down at the tennis club told me she’s heard that. .”

Meow!


Barb’s best features were her legs. And she enjoyed in showing them off to their best advantage

Barb’s best features were here legs. She enjoyed showing them off, sitting and crossing and uncrossing them, often letting her shirt ride half way up her smooth thighs.

You will see feedback time and time again in here, saying ‘show don’t tell’ - that's what they mean. Let your characters show and tell it all for you.

She was an avid tanner and maintained a healthy shade the year round. Barb’s best feature were her legs. And she enjoyed in showing them off to their best advantage.


Throughout your story I noticed it’s cluttered with ‘extra’ words. Take the above. How about slipping in- Barb extended lovely long tanned legs - somewhere in your story? It says the same thing just with less words. The fact that she likes to bake herself all year isn’t really important. Always avoid word clutter, as it can slow even the best story right down.

“You listen to me Bill Wilson, I know you have a critical loan application with my husband. If you don’t give my son this role I will see to it that my husband denies your application. I also know that without this loan your business expansion can’t take place and you will probably lose your existing businesses.” Terri was serious and Bill knew she would carry out her threat.

Maybe this is just me, but I would have like to have seen a little more 'cat and mouse' action here. E.g. You have used the words husband, application, loan, and business all twice here. That’s really too much. Again it’s word clutter. Try something like this instead:

“I believe you have a critical loan application with my husband, Bill. Oh I do hope he’ll approve it,” she said, blinking and smiling sweetly. “I know without it your expansion can’t take place and you’ll probably lose your existing businesses. “ She paused, then added, “ Oh did I mention my son wants play the role of Arthur?”

To be honest, a lot the dialog didn’t feel entirely natural to me, but then, I don’t mix in those social circles Maybe that is how they talk to one another?

It’s an interesting little twist at the end. Personally I would have like a little more insight and background to how that might have come about, but again maybe that's just me.

Although it’s not funny story per se, it does take a rather satirical look at how people in those circles might act and react.

I found it interesting and enjoyable, although I felt it would have perhaps benefited from a little ‘tidying up’. Otherwise - well done.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex. (fem)

 

[obo]

Many thanks Alex for your comments. I do admit the first story goes on quite a bit before the action starts. I guess I was stretching my literary legs so to speak. The other entires in the series get down to business more quickly. I do appreciate the fact that although the subject matter may not be your "cup of tea", you took time to read the story and make constructive comments.

Thanks Again
obo