Feedback on the Mandy series: an attempt at more plausible BDSM

[kurious]

Hello,

In the Mandy series I am trying to write about a woman who is escaping her dreary life--nothing new I know. My goal is to tell a story that is believable, that could actually happen. I want Mandy to read like she could be the girl you buy a coffee from every morning.

My concern is that the stories seem drier compared to the more fantastical BDSM stories out there. I am trying to walk the line between excitement and plausibility.

What do you think?


Thanks so much for the feedback that I've already recieved. I also want to thank those who voted.
k


Mandy's Online Master Ch. 1

Mandy's Online Master Ch. 2

Mandy's Online Master Ch. 3

Mandy's Online Master Ch. 4

Mandy's Online Master Ch. 5

Mandy's Online Master Ch. 6

Mandy's Online Master Ch. 7

Mandy's Online Master Ch. 8

Mandy's Online Master Ch. 9

 

[the_bragis]

Hello kurious,

I have just finished reading chapter one, and you know what? This is pretty damned good. Not great, slaps you in the face hot sex kind of reading, but rather the subtle "Mmmm yes please, give me some more' variety. So it's rather nice to see I have another eight chapters to go.

A few little hiccups I noted (oh and don't I just feel like the munchkin call the midget short pointing these out) were:

I need to breathe, calm down, (and?) just keep walking.

The thought sends a shudder through me and I impulsively tug at the front of my dress and arch my back, forcing my big breasts up against the spaghetti straps of the little red summer dress Daniel insisted that I wear. (I couldn't really picture this, but maybe that's my problem.)

I practice sucking a big dildo,.. (practise - verb, not practice the noun)

It's strange that I was in so much pain and yet it lead(led?) to one of my biggest orgasms.

Let go of the dildo and and (extra 'and') take out your soother. (you have missed the inverted comma at the end here too. That's not a big deal, but some people might be confused.)

Behind, my bum with its two black things sticking out of me. (Again this might be just me, but this read very awkwardly to me.

The clothespin on my clit lying flat against my belly and the pins on my breast (breasts) sagging away to the sides.

I heard a click on the speaker phone. (speakerphone)

hismessage (typo)

You may want to reconsider using brackets also. A lot of people who know a lot more about these things than me say - "It breaks the flow of suspended belief" .

This isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea, but I think those who enjoy male domination bdsm reading will enjoy your series.

I wish you well with you future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex.