Feedback on my Story - T&L 01: RULES AREN'T TO BE BROKEN

[ChuckandAndrea]

https://www.literotica.com/s/tandl-01-rules-arent-to-be-broken

This is my first go at things. Wrote a big long (to my standards) story over the course of a few days. Spent another couple of days editing. I could have, and probably should have done more, but I was curious to get 'expert' feedback from people who read stuff like this regularly.

I've been writing stories for a while, but usually just dumped a first draft, quick edited for obvious grammar etc, and gave it to my wife cause she likes to read 'em. It's always been just for us, but my wife encouraged me to 'put something out there' and see if anyone likes it.

Also, I almost exclusively write about real experiences my wife and I have had, while exploring our fantasies with bits of fiction here and there. This is my first attempt at pure fiction - characters pulled from thin air, experiences I've never had, and situations that are what I consider to be at the extreme edge of believability (though I know that line gets crossed here and there).

This is part 1 of 4. I submitted all four parts at the same time so we'll see when the others pop up - I'll add links in this thread. Hopefully they publish in order otherwise that's awkward. Lesson learned either way, definitely going to space them out to guarantee that doesn't happen in the future. I will also try to spend more time writing and editing to improve on things based on the feedback i receive. Comments on the story itself have already given me some ideas of what I need to improve upon.

Thanks in advance!

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Oh and before I got impatient and submitted the stories, I put something out there in the editing forum seeking feedback. Figured I should copy/paste this little bit in this thread too.

Part 1 - Two swinging couples, one member breaks the rules (6615 words)

Part 2 - One member spirals out of control and finds redemption in an unlikely source (4756 words)

Part 3 - A reconciliation and separate worlds collide (7556 words)

Part 4 - The couples return to normal, but take a big step in their relationship (2995 words)

 

[Emirus]

Signature

Put a link to your stories in your signature then it’ll appear in all your posts. Many people won’t go to the trouble of searching for them and a link will get you more interest and more readers.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Put a link to your stories in your signature then it’ll appear in all your posts. Many people won’t go to the trouble of searching for them and a link will get you more interest and more readers.

Yeah tried that and it didn't seem to work. Still shows in my UserCP, just not on my poasts.

Edit: and there it is

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Part 2 is up!

https://www.literotica.com/s/tandl-02-rock-bottom-redemption

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Part 3... would really like some feedback...

https://www.literotica.com/s/tandl-03-a-reconciliation

 

[NotWise]

I read the first part--most of it, anyway, before I started skimming.

First, I doubt that you're doing yourself a favor by putting three parts into three different categories. It's a Group Sex story, so why spread it around? You might be losing readers that way.

Second, you're writing style is so different from my own that I'm not sure I can give you good feedback. I'll try, but at the risk of making it sound like "write like I write."

Part 1 is almost entirely the main character's narrative. There are a few lines of quoted text, but I didn't see any actual dialogue between characters. Maybe that's why I found it hard to keep track of your small cast of characters. They were names without any underlying personality, and I didn't really care about them one way or the other.

You could probably use an editor, or at least a beta-reader. There were instances of missing punctuation and maybe some missing words, both of which made me reread sentences to understand what you were saying. If I'm going to reread a sentence, then it should be to savor it, not to understand your English.

A lot of your sentences have a sort of indirect structure--leading participial phrases, for instance--that don't flow easily. Some of those were stylistic choices. Others were probably grammatical errors. I'm not a grammarian, so I won't parse them out. It's something else you could work through with an editor or beta reader.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

I read the first part--most of it, anyway, before I started skimming.

First, I doubt that you're doing yourself a favor by putting three parts into three different categories. It's a Group Sex story, so why spread it around? You might be losing readers that way.

Second, you're writing style is so different from my own that I'm not sure I can give you good feedback. I'll try, but at the risk of making it sound like "write like I write."

Part 1 is almost entirely the main character's narrative. There are a few lines of quoted text, but I didn't see any actual dialogue between characters. Maybe that's why I found it hard to keep track of your small cast of characters. They were names without any underlying personality, and I didn't really care about them one way or the other.

You could probably use an editor, or at least a beta-reader. There were instances of missing punctuation and maybe some missing words, both of which made me reread sentences to understand what you were saying. If I'm going to reread a sentence, then it should be to savor it, not to understand your English.

A lot of your sentences have a sort of indirect structure--leading participial phrases, for instance--that don't flow easily. Some of those were stylistic choices. Others were probably grammatical errors. I'm not a grammarian, so I won't parse them out. It's something else you could work through with an editor or beta reader.

All great feedback.

I usually write these things for my wife and this is the first one that was pure fiction and not based on our real experiences. In some ways it made it easier, in other ways it was more difficult.

I also requested an editor on here, but got impatient and just posted it. I self-edited it, but we obviously all know how that goes. Generally, my wife reads what I write and catches most of my errors. Now that these things are posted, I'm catching a ton of things just from reading on my phone instead of the desktop. Going to figure out how to proof from my phone for upcoming stories.

Spreading them around was a choice I made because of how I browse on here. Sometimes I'll start in the middle of a story if I skim and find that part more interesting than the original. And sometimes, the part I like doesn't quite fit in the category it's in, despite the overall story fitting. Part II has no group sex and isn't centered around the wife, so I decided it better fit under couplings. It was also an experiment in seeing where what I like to write about is most appreciated.

I know the readership for loving wives has a particularly harsh tinge, so that's where I'm most apt to post. Let those sad fucks have something to complain about and pick through the garbage to figure out how to write to quell even the harshest critics. One of the most interesting things about that has been noting that the predictions are way off, which to me is a little win. Either way, something to consider for sure and this is my first real attempt, so I'll keep playing with it.

As far as dialog is concerned, good point. I've thought about that myself. Most of the time I'm reading, I'm reading shit dialog and it bothers me. I don't think my dialog is good enough to extend beyond what I've explored so far, though I think it's getting better... got better throughout the series and is better in the new stuff I'm playing with.

 

[NotWise]

As far as dialogue is concerned, it's totally your call. Dialogue is hard to write. Good dialogue is even harder to write. Its effect can be powerful, so for me the effort is worth it.

 

[Einzelkampfer]

Oh and before I got impatient and submitted the stories, I put something out there in the editing forum seeking feedback. Figured I should copy/paste this little bit in this thread too.

Part 1 - Two swinging couples, one member breaks the rules (6615 words)

Part 2 - One member spirals out of control and finds redemption in an unlikely source (4756 words)

Part 3 - A reconciliation and separate worlds collide (7556 words)

Part 4 - The couples return to normal, but take a big step in their relationship (2995 words)

Wow... I just decided to randomly click on the link (below) for part 2 and.... Great writing!

I'm following!

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Wow... I just decided to randomly click on the link (below) for part 2 and.... Great writing!

I'm following!

Thank you!

Part 4 is up!

https://www.literotica.com/s/tandl-04-the-next-step-forward

Going to put these characters to rest. Feel like I could do a lot more - maybe some prequel stuff, def continue things, but want to switch gears and get better.

I'll end up back in the same spots a lot of the time just because of my lifestyle, but ultimately the goal is to explore fantasies, even if they aren't mine.