Feedback on my story please!

[youngmalewriter]

Quick intro. I'm from the UK, Male, 18 and this is my first erotic story ever.

I've not posted on literotica yet, but I have a link to the .rtf file.

Please read it and tell me what you think. If it's decent I'll submit it properly!

Here's my story...

No virii or crap, I promise.

 

[goro goro]

To make this story decent, you might want to rewrite a bit before posting. While I am no authority in the field, I'd like to give you some hints:

1. The plot seems to be out of order; at least I was confused at some points about who was fucking whom. Rearrange some of the sequences.
2. Do some research on anal sex, p.e. look at some of the "How To" texts in Literotica. You can't put a dick in the ass without lubrication; it hurts.
3. Can you tell a girl's cup size by just looking at her breasts ? I can't. You have done some good description of the girls, so you don't need to give measurements.
4. On the other hand, the way you gave the boy's measurement was quite funny. Keep it !

Do some rewriting, and then post. This could be a very good story !

 

[HornyHenry]

Needs help

As I was past my sister's bedroom I saw her and her bestfriend Tiffany sitting up on her bed in the underwear and t-shirts.

As I was past? Huh? not very clear.
In the underwear? In HER underwear?

To my surprise they were kissing and groaping, I peeked and watched for a little bit until I decided it was very wrong for me to be watching this. I went to my own room.

Use period after groaping, which should be GROPING, not a comma. Try a comma after this, like, "...this, then went on to my room."

Her friend, Tiffant, amazing.

Funny name. WAS amazing?

I stood there peeking round the door looking at them.

The door was looking at them?

Please go to the story help pages and read some of the suggestions there about story writing and grammar. Also, read some stories from good writers and think about how they structure their ideas, thoughts, and paragraphs.

Your story sounds good, but I would not read it if it was posted like it is. Please work on it, fix up the errors, then have an editor review it for you before posting it.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

HornyHenry has got it right. There are too many small errors. Taken one by one, they're not too bad; but they just pile up, and say: you haven't read this through.

I did read to the end and it's okay as a sexy story, and quite nice. A bit cliched and unbelievable, but hey, this is fantasy zone, so that doesn't really matter. But you can't just write it in one burst and expect us to pick up or jump over all the typos and grammar gaps. Look through it, fix the small things, ask yourself whether this leads to that, whether it's credible for an outsider: try to make sure it flows smoothly. Read, reread, fix minor things, polish up the connexions.

 

[youngmalewriter]

I appreciate all feedback, good or bad. My first language isn't English though! I got a bit carried away while writing as well as it being quite late... You know it is!