Feedback on my Sex Scene?

[Eutopia]

I currently have a Non-Human story going on and have just published my first sex scene onto the world wide web. This is my first story so I can't help but feel a little self-concious. The feelings of "I don't really think this is good enough to be up here" seems to be hanging around a bit. It doesn't help that I haven't recieved any comments on it.

I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse. x3

It could be that people are far to busy stroking it off to type up a comment or it's so horrid they feel embarrassed for me by just reading it. If it is that bad I'd love for someone to tell me where my story turns to asunder and what I should do to make it better. While promptly taking it down for editing.

This is it here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=483437

It's the second chapter in what I hope will be an on-going story; it's 13,000 words.










....Why are my posts always so short? D:

 

[RedJohnny]

Something important to remember is that some people read every story. Of those, some people vote. Of those who vote, a small minority (if any) comment.

I hadn't read the first chapter, so I read that to get into the story. One line towards the end pretty much summarized the way I felt, "Which left Sophie feeling that Tobi was a bit mechanical in his movements." The first chapter felt more like points of information than a story. Each few sentences was sufficient third party exposition to move the plot forward, but not a lot in the way of character development.

Because of that, I had a little trouble with the second chapter. Personally, I'm not particularly into violent sex or the idea of tentacle sex, so the descriptions weren't my kind of "material" and I read more for critical commentary rather than straight enjoyment. The descriptions are good and the writing is strong (although a little proofing would be in order before submitting), so I think that someone who's into those sorts of things would enjoy it, but I had trouble connecting the girl from the previous chapter with the sex-queen in this chapter.

From a plot and character development perspective, there's just too much missing for me. In some ways it feels like you haven't decided where you want to go with this - starting with the title. Calling it "Sophie's Adventure" belittles the potential grandeur of being a dragon/queen of a magic realm, and, at the same time, we're not seeing any of the "adventure" or even any particular anticipation of the adventure. If at some point you're planning to use the cliched "and then she woke up" meme, or something similar, then I could see calling it Sophie's Adventure, but as it's currently written, she's gone from being the kinda-abused middle child, to discovering she's a queen, to being a bureaucrat who has a kinky concubine who beats the crap out of her and fucks her senseless. The drama is missing.

Hope this helps.

 

[Eutopia]

Yes, it did help! Thank you very much for the feedback.

I was reading over my own first chapter yesterday and yes, I, too, was finding it horridly lacking, I think a rewrite is in order.

 

[driphoney]

Chapter 2 is four Lit pages long. Are you wanting feedback just one the sex (is the sex FOUR Lit pages?!) or the entire chapter?

The mention of non-human and tentacle on top of those 4 pages is a bit off-putting for me. But if there is a particular section you'd like looked at, even after RedJohnny's detailed comments, that might help attract a few more readers, myself included.

 

[Eutopia]

Feedback on the chapter as a whole would be nice, just to see if the flow is going nicely through the story, but if you're not into tentacle sex (There is no tentacles involved, just an array of hands and a splitting tongue. xD) you could always read the first two pages, there's a little bit of play my female character has with another male. I tried for it to be sensual but I don't think I really achieved that. ;3

(Sex is only two and a half pages at the most. ;D)

 

[RedJohnny]

I can't believe I forgot the most important thing from the first chapter - I LOVE the idea of the magic coming back and New Zealand being the first country to accept the magical beings. That's an idea with so much plot potential, and it seems to have gotten lost between chapters 1 and 2.

 

[Eutopia]

It hasn't become lost, simply not needed. xD Sophie doesn't live in New Zealand now. It would be out of place to mention it. New Zealand won't be coming back into the mix until the end of the story. While magic "Coming back" does have a foothold in the plot, it's not a main stay for it. I have a whole other thing planned out. xD

 

[Litbridge]

Niche audience?

The ONLY reason I stopped reading after the third page is because this is not my preferred genre. I find it very hard to get into and assume your story is written for a niche market. Having said that, I absolutely admire your writing and creative imagination! The lack of the latter is, personally, my weak point I think. Your work reminds me of Terry Pratchett on sterioids.. or aphrodisiacs ... or something. He is an extremely successful author, as you likely know, so I say have at it. I see nothing but success ahead for you, especially with the contribution of feedback and guidance of your fellow authors. I say: Well done!

 

[Eutopia]

O-oh my, thank you very much for the kind words. I think I'm blushing. ;----;