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[Coquetteprincess]

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[StillStunned]

Good story! If you're open to some constructive feedback, here goes:

Besides the typos that you already mentioned (as a professional editor I always use Word's Read Aloud feature as the very final check, both professionally and for Lit), I think your story would benefit from slowing down. After you've written it, sit down and consider everything you've written, and then add more. Don't be in a rush to get to the end, or even to the juicy bits. Every sentence you write, every sensation you describe, it all helps to build the anticipation. Don't just bring us to the destination, describe the scenery along the way.

Another thing: everything should refer forward and back so it fits together as a cohesive unit. For instance, when the intruder says he's going to rape the narrator, you write "my panties got soaked as well". But she's been listening to listening to porn, and was squirming and on the verge of playing with herself already. It would feel more complete if you mentioned her feeling a dampness while she's listening, and then with the intruder the dampness becomes a flood.

Another example is what she's wearing. If you establish early on what clothes she has on, you don't have to distract the reader by describing them when you get to the juicy bits. Instead, you can focus on the sensations. She's wearing a tank top, and he pulls it up. This is a perfect opportunity to slow down and describe the contrast between the soft cotton (or whatever) and his rough fingers brushing across her breasts.

Essentially, the tighter you weave the story, the more complete and more satisfying it will feel for the reader. And the more sensations you describe, the more immersive it will be.

Another thought, and this is purely my sick mind I suppose, but wouldn't it be hot for her to still have one earbud in? So she's experiencing the assault by the intruder, while at the same time she's still listening to an erotic rape fantasy?

Anyway, take my comments for what they're worth: one person's opinion, no more and no less. I enjoyed the story, although I was reading it with a view to giving feedback.

If you want to discuss storytelling and writing, head over to the Authors' Hangout. In between the endless discussions about AI and the scoring system, we occasionally have fruitful conversations about the challenges writers face, in particularly with erotica.

 

[Coquetteprincess]

Good story! If you're open to some constructive feedback, here goes:

Besides the typos that you already mentioned (as a professional editor I always use Word's Read Aloud feature as the very final check, both professionally and for Lit), I think your story would benefit from slowing down. After you've written it, sit down and consider everything you've written, and then add more. Don't be in a rush to get to the end, or even to the juicy bits. Every sentence you write, every sensation you describe, it all helps to build the anticipation. Don't just bring us to the destination, describe the scenery along the way.

Another thing: everything should refer forward and back so it fits together as a cohesive unit. For instance, when the intruder says he's going to rape the narrator, you write "my panties got soaked as well". But she's been listening to listening to porn, and was squirming and on the verge of playing with herself already. It would feel more complete if you mentioned her feeling a dampness while she's listening, and then with the intruder the dampness becomes a flood.

Another example is what she's wearing. If you establish early on what clothes she has on, you don't have to distract the reader by describing them when you get to the juicy bits. Instead, you can focus on the sensations. She's wearing a tank top, and he pulls it up. This is a perfect opportunity to slow down and describe the contrast between the soft cotton (or whatever) and his rough fingers brushing across her breasts.

Essentially, the tighter you weave the story, the more complete and more satisfying it will feel for the reader. And the more sensations you describe, the more immersive it will be.

Another thought, and this is purely my sick mind I suppose, but wouldn't it be hot for her to still have one earbud in? So she's experiencing the assault by the intruder, while at the same time she's still listening to an erotic rape fantasy?

Anyway, take my comments for what they're worth: one person's opinion, no more and no less. I enjoyed the story, although I was reading it with a view to giving feedback.

If you want to discuss storytelling and writing, head over to the Authors' Hangout. In between the endless discussions about AI and the scoring system, we occasionally have fruitful conversations about the challenges writers face, in particularly with erotica.

Thank you so so much for your feedback!!! I found it to be very helpful.

I’m going to have to rewrite this story sometime soon because WOW I love the idea of one of the earbuds still being in. That’s just incredible lol.

Anyways, I appreciate you taking the time to give me your advice. It has been duly noted and I’ll try to apply it to my future stories

 

[happyyy_]

Another thought, and this is purely my sick mind I suppose, but wouldn't it be hot for her to still have one earbud in? So she's experiencing the assault by the intruder, while at the same time she's still listening to an erotic rape fantasy?

I think sharing the headphones could also be a really good way to integrate embarrassment/shame into the piece as well if that was an aspect the author wanted to include. There are a lot of fun ways you could take it. You could expand upon the porn scene at the beginning, and maybe it gives the would-be thief some ideas?

 

[happyyy_]

I am by no means a professional writer. I have been reading noncon for a long time, so I hope my first reactions are somewhat useful to you

I liked your characterization. Your writing feels very genuine and your MC feels relatable. I agree with Still that it does feel a bit rushed. You did a good job with the physical descriptions. I felt like I didn't relate to the emotional aspects of the sex, maybe because the focus was on the physical reactions?

It didn't seem like she was that afraid by the prospect of being raped. It will be interesting to see why her character is like that- as a virgin in college it seems like she would have a lot of sexual opportunities, so I am curious why she has not taken any of them. I also liked how she wasn't a victim. She was very eager, which worked really well. I tend to read noncon with a lot of humiliation/refusal involved, so it was refreshing to me and an interesting take. I am curious to see how she handles actual sex and what kinds of reactions she has.

 

[Coquetteprincess]

I am by no means a professional writer. I have been reading noncon for a long time, so I hope my first reactions are somewhat useful to you

I liked your characterization. Your writing feels very genuine and your MC feels relatable. I agree with Still that it does feel a bit rushed. You did a good job with the physical descriptions. I felt like I didn't relate to the emotional aspects of the sex, maybe because the focus was on the physical reactions?

It didn't seem like she was that afraid by the prospect of being raped. It will be interesting to see why her character is like that- as a virgin in college it seems like she would have a lot of sexual opportunities, so I am curious why she has not taken any of them. I also liked how she wasn't a victim. She was very eager, which worked really well. I tend to read noncon with a lot of humiliation/refusal involved, so it was refreshing to me and an interesting take. I am curious to see how she handles actual sex and what kinds of reactions she has.

Thank you for your feedback!!! I really appreciate it. I’m totally going to rewrite it soon with that in mind.

I agree that it was a bit rushed, but I’m happy to hear that the characterization was off to a good start

Thanks again for your help!

 

[StillStunned]

I’m going to have to rewrite this story sometime soon because WOW I love the idea of one of the earbuds still being in. That’s just incredible lol.

The more I think of it, the hotter it gets. It's almost like reverse voyeurism: instead of witnessing a sexual act and imagining being part of it, she's involved in a sexual act while the fantasy is playing in her head.

I might just have to write this one myself as well.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thank you for your feedback!!! I really appreciate it. I’m totally going to rewrite it soon with that in mind.

My recommendation, whenever I see folk talk about rewriting their first stories, is to think about writing a new story instead. You'll learn far more as a writer by starting something new. Also, you'll have two stories, instead of only one slightly better one.

Get a few stories under your belt, do an apprenticeship, really learn your own style. After a dozen or so short learning pieces, you'll be a better writer, and, if the theme of this first story is still doing it for you, that's when you come back and really do it justice.

 

[Coquetteprincess]

The more I think of it, the hotter it gets. It's almost like reverse voyeurism: instead of witnessing a sexual act and imagining being part of it, she's involved in a sexual act while the fantasy is playing in her head.

I might just have to write this one myself as well.

If you, let me know!!! I’d love to read that.

 

[Coquetteprincess]

My recommendation, whenever I see folk talk about rewriting their first stories, is to think about writing a new story instead. You'll learn far more as a writer by starting something new. Also, you'll have two stories, instead of only one slightly better one.

Get a few stories under your belt, do an apprenticeship, really learn your own style. After a dozen or so short learning pieces, you'll be a better writer, and, if the theme of this first story is still doing it for you, that's when you come back and really do it justice.

Yeah, you’re probably right! Thanks for the advice. I think I’ll do that

 

[RoperTrace]

Hi! My second story just got published and I’d love to hear your feedback on it.

No need to point out the grammatical errors I know they’re there. I’m thinking about switching over to my laptop since the way I “text” on my phone leaves much to be desired. I swear I know how to write properly!

I’m mostly looking for feedback on the story telling end of it. I’d also like to know if the sex aspect is effective/ hot.

Warnings: this is a non consent story about an intruder breaking in. The “victim” (me) enjoys it, but it’s still nonconsent

Here’s the link:

https://www.literotica.com/s/be-careful-what-you-wish-for-1903

WTH, story non available? Did you take it down or did Laurel axe it for non-consent?

 

[Coquetteprincess]

WTH, story non available? Did you take it down or did Laurel axe it for non-consent?

I took down all my stories!

 

[billrokra]

I took down all my stories!

Hope we see again.