Feedback on my Nude Day story

[ThisNameIsntTakenYet]

My Nude Day story has been published now, which is also my first story on this site. I've transitioned into writing erotica after writing non-erotic stories for a while, so I'm still getting used to the genre. As such, I'd like some feedback on my first story, so I know what I can do better/different for future writing for this site.

My story is in the Lesbian category, in case that puts anyone off. Other than that it's pretty vanilla, except for the obvious nudity theme from the contest. Here's the link:
https://www.literotica.com/s/undress-to-impress

All feedback is welcome, be it opinions, technical writing stuff, plot/character-related, etc.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Nice writing - a simple idea, well carried out. Enough uncertainty to wonder if there was a hidden agenda, and you captured Laura's nervousness well.

There might have been some editorial glitches (it's well nigh impossible not to have one or two), but if there were, none that got in the way of the story. You can obviously write.

My suggestion - resist the temptation to immediately use the same characters straight away. Write more stand-alone stories so you stretch yourself, try different genres, different categories. Over time you'll find your natural style and get more comfortable with yourself as an erotica writer, and find out what you do best.

A good first outing - congratulations. Welcome to your world of smut .

 

[ThisNameIsntTakenYet]

Nice writing - a simple idea, well carried out. Enough uncertainty to wonder if there was a hidden agenda, and you captured Laura's nervousness well.

There might have been some editorial glitches (it's well nigh impossible not to have one or two), but if there were, none that got in the way of the story. You can obviously write.

My suggestion - resist the temptation to immediately use the same characters straight away. Write more stand-alone stories so you stretch yourself, try different genres, different categories. Over time you'll find your natural style and get more comfortable with yourself as an erotica writer, and find out what you do best.

A good first outing - congratulations. Welcome to your world of smut .

Thank you. After about half a day, reception has been really good. Better than I expected to be honest. Didn't really think my first story would reach hot, but there we go. Also got quite a few comments and favorites, even 3 people following me. Not bad at all. And the comments are all positive too, although two (one send by email) did suggest I tailor the story to their needs, like having the girls all 69ing on the poolside, or turning it interracial... Oh well, at least they still enjoyed it.

Also seemed like some people interpreted my "there's more where that came from" comment in the note at the end of the story to mean I was planning on writing more with these characters, where I just meant "I have more story ideas in the works and will keep posting". Guess I could have worded that a bit more clearly, as I didn't have much intention of continuing this story. It's a stand-alone piece, I think it'll just turn out like very other lesbian story if I continue it past this point as the only interesting thing it had to offer was the whole prude thing and her first time with a girl.

But yeah, I was thinking of trying out some different categories and story ideas. I'm originally a Fantasy writer, but the only idea I have for that will probably be a multi-chapter series. I'd like to try out a few more shorter stories before writing something on that scale.

 

[ElectricBlue]

But yeah, I was thinking of trying out some different categories and story ideas. I'm originally a Fantasy writer, but the only idea I have for that will probably be a multi-chapter series. I'd like to try out a few more shorter stories before writing something on that scale.

A very sensible approach - do your apprenticeship with short stand-alone pieces until you know your strengths and weaknesses, what you like; find your natural style, which voice you prefer and so on.. But it's clear you've written a lot already, and are now weaving in the sexual content. You'll be fine .

 

[AlinaX]

Just a drive-by comment, not a criticism, but you could tighten it a little, e.g.:

Laura pulled up next to the black iron gate, double-checked that the golden numbers indeed matched the address she'd received and, with a sigh, shoved her phone back into the pocket of her cut-offs. Taking a sip of water, adjusting her shoulder-length black hair and straightening her red blouse, she ran out of ways to stall and forced herself to open the door and step out into the scorching summer heat.

 

[ThisNameIsntTakenYet]

Just a drive-by comment, not a criticism, but you could tighten it a little, e.g.:

Laura pulled up next to the black iron gate, double-checked that the golden numbers indeed matched the address she'd received and, with a sigh, shoved her phone back into the pocket of her cut-offs. Taking a sip of water, adjusting her shoulder-length black hair and straightening her red blouse, she ran out of ways to stall and forced herself to open the door and step out into the scorching summer heat.

I agree. I tend to get a bit wordy at times, or slow down the pace too much. I'd have liked to clean up some of those sections, but the contest deadline didn't really allow for it. I'll keep it in mind for future stories though, thank you

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I liked your story. It was a nice light, story with a good premise and believable characters. And I thought it was clearly a stand alone story.

 

[ThisNameIsntTakenYet]

I liked your story. It was a nice light, story with a good premise and believable characters. And I thought it was clearly a stand alone story.

Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.

 

[OneAuthor]

Late to the party, but I only came across this thread today.

I very much enjoyed the story. The length was damn-near perfect, as was the pacing. I thought you handled Laura's emotions extremely well, to the point that I could feel what she was feeling.

Keep up the great work!

 

[ChasingAnna]

Great story! I think you did really well capturing how torn Laura was about the whole situation. The setup was good, dragging out the peer pressure long enough to let us come along with you on it without feeling overly drawn out.

 

[LesDesirable]

I think you can improve pace, especially in the beginning where you do more telling than showing.

"Here goes nothing," Laura pushed the intercom button.

"Hello," said the tinny voice in the speaker.

"It's Laura."

"Laura?"

"Laura from school," said Laura. Just like Alice to forget inviting her to a party.

"OH, that Laura, just a second." The buzzer sounded and the iron gates started to swing open.

* the description of her shorts, her hair, her blouse, her car, her lack of ability to park, and her locking of the car, do not truly play into the story. Her insecurity can be better done through further dialogue.

You could do Laura's thoughts in thought paragraphs, rather than in slightly brutal prose. If you keep the dialogue flowing, the action, the thoughts and the speech can all flow together.

The story was good, writing good if not great, the basic plot good, and the action good enough. Well done.

Just work on tightening up and showing your story through the character's actions and words rather than telling me what the character is thinking and doing.

 

[ThisNameIsntTakenYet]

I think you can improve pace, especially in the beginning where you do more telling than showing.

"Here goes nothing," Laura pushed the intercom button.

"Hello," said the tinny voice in the speaker.

"It's Laura."

"Laura?"

"Laura from school," said Laura. Just like Alice to forget inviting her to a party.

"OH, that Laura, just a second." The buzzer sounded and the iron gates started to swing open.

* the description of her shorts, her hair, her blouse, her car, her lack of ability to park, and her locking of the car, do not truly play into the story. Her insecurity can be better done through further dialogue.

You could do Laura's thoughts in though paragraphs, rather than in slightly brutal prose. If you keep the dialogue flowing, the action, the thoughts and the speech can all flow together.

The story was good, writing good if not great, the basic plot good, and the action good enough. Well done.

Just work on tightening up and showing your story through the character's actions and words rather than telling me what the character is thinking and doing.

Interesting, thank you. I'll play around with that a little. I know my writing tends to be pretty narration-heavy, but it's worth trying to lower that a little indeed.

 

[Maeven_quinn]

I haven’t enjoyed a straight forward first time lesbian story like that in ages. It had just the right amount of “planning” on part of Laura’s top. The power dynamic worked great there. Would be happy to read more from you soon.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

I think you can improve pace, especially in the beginning where you do more telling than showing.

"Here goes nothing," Laura pushed the intercom button.

"Hello," said the tinny voice in the speaker.

"It's Laura."

"Laura?"

"Laura from school," said Laura. Just like Alice to forget inviting her to a party.

"OH, that Laura, just a second." The buzzer sounded and the iron gates started to swing open.

* the description of her shorts, her hair, her blouse, her car, her lack of ability to park, and her locking of the car, do not truly play into the story. Her insecurity can be better done through further dialogue.

You could do Laura's thoughts in thought paragraphs, rather than in slightly brutal prose. If you keep the dialogue flowing, the action, the thoughts and the speech can all flow together.

The story was good, writing good if not great, the basic plot good, and the action good enough. Well done.

Just work on tightening up and showing your story through the character's actions and words rather than telling me what the character is thinking and doing.

Ditto to LD's notes, and ditto that I enjoyed your story