Feedback on my first story :)

[AnastasiaAllis]

Hi all,

Recently my first story on literotica was published! I am super excited about it and would like to hear your valuable feedback on it.

You can find the story here: https://www.literotica.com/s/perfect-strangers-3

If the reception is good, there will be more stories in this series... I already have some ideas in mind

 

[Jada59]

Ah... Where to begin!?

You keep changing tenses. You keep changing who is telling the story. At first you are. Then Anna is. And she is talking to herself, out loud.

And so many questions! Why did she buy a small lamp if she had nothing to put it on? Why are there no window coverings? In this state, apartments always come with window coverings. Plus, she's alone and in the dark. Unless somebody is standing out there with a flashlight, nobody would see her.

Yikes! Now John is telling the story and talking out loud as well. I know some people talk to themselves but to have both people doing it is a bit weird.

John saw a woman through some dim light. We know it wasn't Anna. She was in the dark.

John stopped at the grocery store to buy some stuff? I will forever be wondering what he bought!

Hoo boy! If English is not your native language, I will forgive you for this next sentence. I did make me guffaw and I doubt that was your intention!

""Hey it's you!" slipped his lips."

This is very odd too!

"Girl in front of him turned around. She was confused.

"Yes, it's me, but do we know each other," she asked."

Also, questions should have question marks.

And then John talks out loud about her in front of her. Is John crazy?

Now Anna is talking out loud in the shower. And the stuff after that is a stretch.

You left a word out here:

"But dick was still hard when he came back home."

Unless there is also a guy named Dick.

And now John is talking out loud again. Surely Anna will hear him! And how is he a complete stranger? They met at the store, just before her shower.

The rest of it is a bit comical. The way it was written, makes me not be able to take it seriously. I will give you props for the laughs. But I don't think that was where you were going!

 

[SpindleTop]

Hi AnastasiaAllis,

Well done on your first story. It’s always very exciting to see work go live! Here are a few thoughts from me:

- You have a real skill in painting a vivid image in the reader’s mind with relatively few brush strokes. So after the first section, I have a very clear picture in my mind of Anna’s sparsely furnished room and of her lying on her bed.

- I think I’d like to get into John’s head a little more - maybe you only need one or two sentences to do this. Give a tiny bit more detail on his presentation - perhaps he’s preparing to pitch an idea to his boss, but can’t get the numbers in his business plan to add up. Give us a sense of his frustration (as opposed to exhaustion) - he’s banging his head against a brick wall and needs release. Perhaps give John’s apartment a balcony, so he can go outside to clear his head and it’s from there that he spies Anna for the first time.

- I like the idea of John and Anna bumping into each other while out shopping, but I wonder if it might be more effective if they didn’t talk to each other on that occasion: Maybe have John linger in one of the shopping aisles trying to see what she’s putting in her cart? (He could try to work out if she's single or if she lives with a boyfriend? Get her to buy a microwave meal for one!) Perhaps she could notice him as he checks to see if she's really the person he thinks she is?

- Perhaps this is a little off-the-wall, but maybe wait until the very end of the chapter until you have John speak - so the only words that Anna hears from him are “Yes you will, when you least expect me.” This might help you explore sub/dom themes in later chapters and would also help to make a contrast with the louder, more talkative Anna.

I hope these thoughts help. You’ve made an exciting start and I can’t wait to see where you take us next!

SpindleTop

—

My stories: https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5133214&page=submissions
My latest chapter: https://www.literotica.com/s/tybalt-and-juliet-ch-15

 

[AnastasiaAllis]

Ah... Where to begin!?

You keep changing tenses. You keep changing who is telling the story. At first you are. Then Anna is. And she is talking to herself, out loud.

And so many questions! Why did she buy a small lamp if she had nothing to put it on? Why are there no window coverings? In this state, apartments always come with window coverings. Plus, she's alone and in the dark. Unless somebody is standing out there with a flashlight, nobody would see her.

Yikes! Now John is telling the story and talking out loud as well. I know some people talk to themselves but to have both people doing it is a bit weird.

John saw a woman through some dim light. We know it wasn't Anna. She was in the dark.

John stopped at the grocery store to buy some stuff? I will forever be wondering what he bought!

Hoo boy! If English is not your native language, I will forgive you for this next sentence. I did make me guffaw and I doubt that was your intention!

""Hey it's you!" slipped his lips."

This is very odd too!

"Girl in front of him turned around. She was confused.

"Yes, it's me, but do we know each other," she asked."

Also, questions should have question marks.

And then John talks out loud about her in front of her. Is John crazy?

Now Anna is talking out loud in the shower. And the stuff after that is a stretch.

You left a word out here:

"But dick was still hard when he came back home."

Unless there is also a guy named Dick.

And now John is talking out loud again. Surely Anna will hear him! And how is he a complete stranger? They met at the store, just before her shower.

The rest of it is a bit comical. The way it was written, makes me not be able to take it seriously. I will give you props for the laughs. But I don't think that was where you were going!

Thank you very much for your feedback!
Opinion from experienced author and member of literotica is very much welcomed .

Unfortunately, English is not my native language, hence the issue(s) with tenses and some misused words. Google Translate is not always of much help...

Probably there was also misuse of punctuation, which led you to think that some parts were actors talking out loud, instead of thinking - which was the intention.

Great attention to details btw. You really analyzed it! Great work. Regarding curtains - it is not so common in Europe. As for the lamp, either I didn't provide too much details or you took it to literal - obviously the idea was that she had at least a table or a night stand to put the lamp on...

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

Regarding curtains - it is not so common in Europe.

It’s not just in Europe. For example, many homes in NYC don’t have curtains/blinds/window treatments. Personally, I live in Manhattan on a very high penthouse floor, and I’ve never had any kind of curtains or blinds or window treatments as they would spoil my views.

I read your story quickly and assumed that—even though you have an interesting idea and probably very good command of writing in your own native language—you were having difficulty translating to English. I’d feel remiss to comment on your story’s shortcomings for this reason. An editor could likely help you with this. You may want to swing by the Editor’s Forum, explain that English is not your first language but that you have a story that’s otherwise in good shape, and ask if any editors there are willing to help you revise. Hope this is helpful.

Best of luck and congrats on your first story!

 

[AnastasiaAllis]

Hi AnastasiaAllis,

Well done on your first story. It’s always very exciting to see work go live! Here are a few thoughts from me:

- You have a real skill in painting a vivid image in the reader’s mind with relatively few brush strokes. So after the first section, I have a very clear picture in my mind of Anna’s sparsely furnished room and of her lying on her bed.

- I think I’d like to get into John’s head a little more - maybe you only need one or two sentences to do this. Give a tiny bit more detail on his presentation - perhaps he’s preparing to pitch an idea to his boss, but can’t get the numbers in his business plan to add up. Give us a sense of his frustration (as opposed to exhaustion) - he’s banging his head against a brick wall and needs release. Perhaps give John’s apartment a balcony, so he can go outside to clear his head and it’s from there that he spies Anna for the first time.

- I like the idea of John and Anna bumping into each other while out shopping, but I wonder if it might be more effective if they didn’t talk to each other on that occasion: Maybe have John linger in one of the shopping aisles trying to see what she’s putting in her cart? (He could try to work out if she's single or if she lives with a boyfriend? Get her to buy a microwave meal for one!) Perhaps she could notice him as he checks to see if she's really the person he thinks she is?

- Perhaps this is a little off-the-wall, but maybe wait until the very end of the chapter until you have John speak - so the only words that Anna hears from him are “Yes you will, when you least expect me.” This might help you explore sub/dom themes in later chapters and would also help to make a contrast with the louder, more talkative Anna.

I hope these thoughts help. You’ve made an exciting start and I can’t wait to see where you take us next!

SpindleTop

—

My stories: https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5133214&page=submissions
My latest chapter: https://www.literotica.com/s/tybalt-and-juliet-ch-15

Thank you very much for your feedback. In the next sequels, I will probably explore more both John's and Anna's characters.

Interesting idea about John not talking until the end. The idea of them talking in the store is more to show John's average-guy character (how he get clumsy while trying to talk to Anna), and this is done to emphasize his transformation at the end - from average mr niceguy to animal. Also to add a more human relationship between the two

It’s not just in Europe. For example, many homes in NYC don’t have curtains/blinds/window treatments. Personally, I live in Manhattan on a very high penthouse floor, and I’ve never had any kind of curtains or blinds or window treatments as they would spoil my views.

I read your story quickly and assumed that—even though you have an interesting idea and probably very good command of writing in your own native language—you were having difficulty translating to English. I’d feel remiss to comment on your story’s shortcomings for this reason. An editor could likely help you with this. You may want to swing by the Editor’s Forum, explain that English is not your first language but that you have a story that’s otherwise in good shape, and ask if any editors there are willing to help you revise. Hope this is helpful.

Best of luck and congrats on your first story!

Thank you very much for taking the time to comment and and leaving your feedback! Yes, conversational English is one thing, but "literal" English is a whole new world. Your suggestion is great - I will follow up on it. Tnx once again.

 

[Lazaran]

Hi all,

Recently my first story on literotica was published! I am super excited about it and would like to hear your valuable feedback on it.

You can find the story here: https://www.literotica.com/s/perfect-strangers-3

If the reception is good, there will be more stories in this series... I already have some ideas in mind

Hello fledgling writer, and welcome.

Like others commented, it was fairly obvious that English is not your native language. It was also fairly obvious that you are a novice writer. The lack of detail and descriptions resulted in a very stripped down work. If it had been a choice it might have been avant garde, but since we know a little about you, we know it wasn't. I'm not suggesting a story has to read like poetry, but if there is a complete lack of texture and color, a person reading it may feel cold and indifferent about the world you have created. You definitely don't want that to happen.

The premise was solid enough, but could have been expanded upon by really playing up the single and lonely angle. It would have helped explain Anna's behavior and it also would have helped readers empathize with her. Again, that would involve more detail and description. Being fairly new to both the English language and writing, this should be your primary focus when writing future stories IMHO. The variety of words in a writers vocabulary is like the variety of colors on an artists palette or the variety of spices in a chefs pantry; The greater the variety of words, colors and spices each artist can combine effectively, the greater the depth and complexity of their finished work.

Of course a minimalist approach is also effective if it's a conscious decision.

In writing, "Hulk Smash" is one of my all time favorites.

Cheers.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

I'm very impressed that you wrote a story like this in what isn't your first language. English speakers have a hard time writing in English. You must be quite fluent. There were clues that English might not have been your first language, but they were mostly the sort of thing that there's no easy fix for. Here's an example: She bought "a cute small lamp." I think most English speakers would say, "a cute little lamp." Confusingly enough, the same English speaker might be more likely to say "a small lamp" than "a little lamp." I have absolutely NO idea why the word "cute" makes a difference. It's just something I know without knowing a reason for it.

What I'm trying to say is that most of what I saw that suggested that English isn't your first language were things like the cute small lamp. In other words, not things you can look up somewhere, and not things you should probably worry about in your writing. Those things don't ruin the story. They stand out a little because we don't expect them, but then the reader moves on and doesn't think about them further. Your sentence structure is good, your subject/verb agreement is good, and even your modifiers are generally correct, and those are what trips everyone up. I think you should be proud to be writing at this level in another language.

I thought the premise of the story was a good one. Dividing the story into two nights with a chance encounter in between them was a very good idea. It might have been nice to expand on that even more by having John and/or Anna fantasizing about the encounter afterward.

I think it could have benefited from elaboration at the point between when John is watching her the second time and when he goes over. He's doing something so extraordinary that we really need to know what he's thinking. If he can't think at all, as I believe you were suggesting, you could have him thinking about not being able to think. (John was so consumed by the need to be there with her, to take her, that he was simply unable to think about the consequences. All he could think about was...) I think the best thing would be to let us inside John's head a little more between the time he gets the idea to go over there and the time he does it.

Once he gets in the room, I think it would help to elaborate on what Anna is thinking, particularly since she doesn't react the way we might expect. I think it's fine that she doesn't scream or immediately put up a real fight, and you do identify the two conflicting emotions. ("Anna felt fear mixed with animal desire. Deep inside she wanted to be under someone's sway, to be captured by a strong determined man, who knows what he wants and takes it. He squeezes her breasts while she holds back the coming out moan.")

I think the reader could benefit from "seeing" her mentally work through the process. Her first reaction should be fear, because that's just instinct, no matter who your character is. Different characters react differently to fear, but you could communicate it by showing us how Anna feels it. (Is she frozen in place? Does she assess her chances of escape? Does she think about whether she has a chance of fighting him, or worry about what he might do to her?) Then, I think you could bring in the desire. (He squeezes her breasts, and desire overshadows her fears. She knows she should be afraid, but all she can think is that deep inside, she wanted to be under someone's sway, to be captured by a strong determined man, who knows what he wants and takes it.) Those are just examples to illustrate what I mean. I'm not trying to put words in your character's mouth or thoughts in her head.

When she suddenly decides to try to get away from him, i think that needs some explanation, too. (He fumbles to reposition himself at her entrance, and her instincts suddenly asserted themselves. She runs.)

One other point to consider is the use of quotation marks for thoughts. I know that's how it's taught, but I don't think that's the practice anymore. If you use quotation marks for thoughts, I think there needs to be something that makes it clear whether what is in quotation marks is spoken or thought. I've seen people use italics to designate thoughts. I have mixed feelings about doing that. I think you could probably ask ten different people and get ten different answers about how to designate internal dialog. The important thing is finding a way to make sure the reader knows whether it's spoken or thought.

I hope this is helpful.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'm very impressed that you wrote a story like this in what isn't your first language. English speakers have a hard time writing in English. You must be quite fluent. There were clues that English might not have been your first language, but they were mostly the sort of thing that there's no easy fix for. Here's an example: She bought "a cute small lamp." I think most English speakers would say, "a cute little lamp." Confusingly enough, the same English speaker might be more likely to say "a small lamp" than "a little lamp." I have absolutely NO idea why the word "cute" makes a difference. It's just something I know without knowing a reason for it.

I think it works something like this:

"Small", when used in "a small [thing]", describes an object's size relative to typical objects of that kind. If I say "he was a small baby", that probably means he was under the average birth weight, e.g. premature.

"Little" can be used on its own to indicate size, but it's often used to emphasise what we already know about size. If I has "he was a little baby", I'm not necessarily saying he was small for a baby - it's more like "he was a baby, and babies are small, and I want you to remember that he was small".

A baby who was over the average birth weight wouldn't be "a small baby" but could still be "a little baby" if I wanted to emphasise vulnerability/etc.

"Cute" roughly means "small" + "appealing/endearing".

Hence, "a cute lamp" already implies that the lamp is "small". Describing it as "a cute small lamp" is a tautology - like saying "a dark black night" or "a damp wet towel".

But in "a cute little lamp", the "little" is reinforcing the "cute" rather than repeating it.

(And then there's English adjective order, another of those things that native speakers just learn unconsciously without even noticing...)

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

I think it works something like this:

"Small", when used in "a small [thing]", describes an object's size relative to typical objects of that size. If I say "he was a small baby", that probably means he was under the average birth weight, e.g. premature.

"Little" can be used on its own to indicate size, but it's often used to emphasise what we already know about size. If I has "he was a little baby", I'm not necessarily saying he was small for a baby - it's more like "he was a baby, and babies are small, and I want you to remember that he was small".

....

(And then there's English adjective order, another of those things that native speakers just learn unconsciously without even noticing...)

When I was trying to figure out the small/little thing, it did make me think of the adjective order, which is an absolutely fascinating topic all by itself. The most interesting thing about it is that even people with terrible grammar follow that adjective order. It boggles my mind.

You're absolutely right about the small/little usage. My reading of your explanation was immediately followed by a "Duh! Why didn't I think of that?" reaction. If you're not careful, you'll educate me.

 

[Bramblethorn]

When I was trying to figure out the small/little thing, it did make me think of the adjective order, which is an absolutely fascinating topic all by itself. The most interesting thing about it is that even people with terrible grammar follow that adjective order. It boggles my mind.

You're absolutely right about the small/little usage. My reading of your explanation was immediately followed by a "Duh! Why didn't I think of that?" reaction. If you're not careful, you'll educate me.

I had to sit and think about it for about ten minutes, and try those words out in different sentences, before I could figure out the rules my own brain was applying!

 

[Lazaran]

I had to sit and think about it for about ten minutes, and try those words out in different sentences, before I could figure out the rules my own brain was applying!

Not to minimize the importance of adjective order, but in the case of this story, I thought the writer should have just said " a small lamp " rather than "a cute lamp" or "a cute little lamp", and definitely not a "cute small lamp".

The room was pretty barren with no window coverings so just saying "a small lamp" would have fit the atmosphere of the scene better. If the writer had wanted to use the lamp to brighten the mood, the phrase "a cute little lamp" would have been better, but then the lamp should have been given the spotlight by expanding on how the cute little lamp provided a warm glow to the otherwise stark environment. Maybe even adding more detail to the lamp, for example " a cute little unicorn lamp" or " a cute little lamp with a flower patterned shade".

It's hard to believe, but a simple lamp can have a dramatic effect on the mood depending on the treatment it's given. I know you know this but maybe the OP doesn't.

 

[AnastasiaAllis]

Hello fledgling writer, and welcome.

Like others commented, it was fairly obvious that English is not your native language. It was also fairly obvious that you are a novice writer. The lack of detail and descriptions resulted in a very stripped down work. If it had been a choice it might have been avant garde, but since we know a little about you, we know it wasn't. I'm not suggesting a story has to read like poetry, but if there is a complete lack of texture and color, a person reading it may feel cold and indifferent about the world you have created. You definitely don't want that to happen.

The premise was solid enough, but could have been expanded upon by really playing up the single and lonely angle. It would have helped explain Anna's behavior and it also would have helped readers empathize with her. Again, that would involve more detail and description. Being fairly new to both the English language and writing, this should be your primary focus when writing future stories IMHO. The variety of words in a writers vocabulary is like the variety of colors on an artists palette or the variety of spices in a chefs pantry; The greater the variety of words, colors and spices each artist can combine effectively, the greater the depth and complexity of their finished work.

Of course a minimalist approach is also effective if it's a conscious decision.

In writing, "Hulk Smash" is one of my all time favorites.

Cheers.

Thanks for the feedback . Yep, every beginning is rough, especially if you're additionally outside of your comfort zone because you're writing in a language that's not your native...

Besides being restricted with language, I was also in heavy doubt where to draw the line in terms of how deeply to develop characters, how much space to give to description of situations, thoughts and so on... I had in mind that this story is the first in series... Probably my feeling will change (should I say improve ) in future stories... As hopefully, my English will as well

 

[AnastasiaAllis]

I'm very impressed that you wrote a story like this in what isn't your first language. English speakers have a hard time writing in English. You must be quite fluent. There were clues that English might not have been your first language, but they were mostly the sort of thing that there's no easy fix for. Here's an example: She bought "a cute small lamp." I think most English speakers would say, "a cute little lamp." Confusingly enough, the same English speaker might be more likely to say "a small lamp" than "a little lamp." I have absolutely NO idea why the word "cute" makes a difference. It's just something I know without knowing a reason for it.

What I'm trying to say is that most of what I saw that suggested that English isn't your first language were things like the cute small lamp. In other words, not things you can look up somewhere, and not things you should probably worry about in your writing. Those things don't ruin the story. They stand out a little because we don't expect them, but then the reader moves on and doesn't think about them further. Your sentence structure is good, your subject/verb agreement is good, and even your modifiers are generally correct, and those are what trips everyone up. I think you should be proud to be writing at this level in another language.

I thought the premise of the story was a good one. Dividing the story into two nights with a chance encounter in between them was a very good idea. It might have been nice to expand on that even more by having John and/or Anna fantasizing about the encounter afterward.

I think it could have benefited from elaboration at the point between when John is watching her the second time and when he goes over. He's doing something so extraordinary that we really need to know what he's thinking. If he can't think at all, as I believe you were suggesting, you could have him thinking about not being able to think. (John was so consumed by the need to be there with her, to take her, that he was simply unable to think about the consequences. All he could think about was...) I think the best thing would be to let us inside John's head a little more between the time he gets the idea to go over there and the time he does it.

Once he gets in the room, I think it would help to elaborate on what Anna is thinking, particularly since she doesn't react the way we might expect. I think it's fine that she doesn't scream or immediately put up a real fight, and you do identify the two conflicting emotions. ("Anna felt fear mixed with animal desire. Deep inside she wanted to be under someone's sway, to be captured by a strong determined man, who knows what he wants and takes it. He squeezes her breasts while she holds back the coming out moan.")

I think the reader could benefit from "seeing" her mentally work through the process. Her first reaction should be fear, because that's just instinct, no matter who your character is. Different characters react differently to fear, but you could communicate it by showing us how Anna feels it. (Is she frozen in place? Does she assess her chances of escape? Does she think about whether she has a chance of fighting him, or worry about what he might do to her?) Then, I think you could bring in the desire. (He squeezes her breasts, and desire overshadows her fears. She knows she should be afraid, but all she can think is that deep inside, she wanted to be under someone's sway, to be captured by a strong determined man, who knows what he wants and takes it.) Those are just examples to illustrate what I mean. I'm not trying to put words in your character's mouth or thoughts in her head.

When she suddenly decides to try to get away from him, i think that needs some explanation, too. (He fumbles to reposition himself at her entrance, and her instincts suddenly asserted themselves. She runs.)

One other point to consider is the use of quotation marks for thoughts. I know that's how it's taught, but I don't think that's the practice anymore. If you use quotation marks for thoughts, I think there needs to be something that makes it clear whether what is in quotation marks is spoken or thought. I've seen people use italics to designate thoughts. I have mixed feelings about doing that. I think you could probably ask ten different people and get ten different answers about how to designate internal dialog. The important thing is finding a way to make sure the reader knows whether it's spoken or thought.

I hope this is helpful.

Thanks for the feedback. To @Bramblethorn as well.
Maybe it's pointless to quote every single comment, especially since your comment and Bramblethorn's overlap in topic of adjectives.

I get your point regarding describing the lamp. When I say it out loud now, it does sound bit off. On the other hand, while writing the story, it was something that I easily oversaw, since it wasn't in my focus. The point was that lamp was small, I didn't over analyze combination of adjestives. Obviously, I couldn't even analyze on level you and Bramblethorn did..

Regarding thoughts - I agree 100%, lots of room for improvement there. While writing the story, for me it was clear what is a thought and what is part of dialog. Obviously, it wasn't as clear to readers, and that's why I really value everyone's feedback.

@all - once again, I'm super excited to get such constructive feedback. Wish I had discovered this community earlier

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

...I get your point regarding describing the lamp. When I say it out loud now, it does sound bit off.

Please don't worry too much about the lamp. Some posters had questioned whether English was your first language, and I only meant it to use the lamp as an example of why some of the things that might key people into the fact that English isn't your first language are things that just don't affect your story telling. If it's so difficult for us to figure it out, and English is our first language, I don't think you should worry over it. Those things are just little blips on the radar.

The last thing I wanted to do was nitpick your adjectives. I think it's very impressive to be able to write something like this in a second language. Even when my foreign language skills were at their best, I could only read fluently, not write fluently. Writing in a second language is several orders of magnitude more difficult than reading in one. I used to translate nursery rhymes as practice for myself. It wasn't straight translation, because it's necessary to re-work phrases to have some approximation of meter and/or rhyme, but it was still very, very basic. Even something as simple as translating nursery rhymes was a complex undertaking for me, even when I was able read novels in the language fairly easily.

So, what I"m really trying to say is that what you've done is impressive, not that your lamp description sounds weird. Whether it's a cute small lamp or a cute little lamp or a just a lamp with no description at all doesn't matter for your story. You achieved the ambiance just by mentioning it.

 

[Lazaran]

Sequel

Thanks for the feedback . Yep, every beginning is rough, especially if you're additionally outside of your comfort zone because you're writing in a language that's not your native...

Besides being restricted with language, I was also in heavy doubt where to draw the line in terms of how deeply to develop characters, how much space to give to description of situations, thoughts and so on... I had in mind that this story is the first in series... Probably my feeling will change (should I say improve ) in future stories... As hopefully, my English will as well

You have already laid the groundwork for a sequel, so I think a series makes sense. However, this is where details and descriptions about environments and feelings become even more important. If the environment and the feelings don't change, you will have simply repeated the first chapter. A more detailed description of the NEW location for the couples next encounter, as well as more details about how each character is feeling about EVERYTHING that has happened, will provide the variety a sequel needs to differentiate itself from the original.

The sex scene in the original was hot, but let's face it, sex scenes can get repetitive as well. I don't know how you feel about light kink, but some improvised restraints might add a little variety to the sequels inevitable fuckfest. A mans tie, a woman's shirt pulled over her arms, etc, would seem to fit the developing narrative IMHO

Also, as someone commented on your story page, the sex scene in the original was borderline nonconsent. By having the characters contemplate their actions in the sequel, you have the opportunity to clarify that the sex was not only consensual, but welcomed. Playing up Anna's role as an exhibitionist seductress would help in this regard.


Lastly, I think a native English speaking editor would really help you in so many ways. Poor word choices and phrasing can really interrupt the flow of a story. Even if you had a native English speaking friend proofread your story, you would be amazed how they naturally know what words and phrases seem out of place. Eventually you should be able to pick up those things through repetition.

P.S. Even some of the best native English speaking writers on this site seek the help of a good editor or proofreader.

Cheers