Feedback on my first story....

[Darkhorse40]

I have just had my first story published (I was fully expecting it to be sent back or rejected!) and I would love any feedback and constructive criticism as this is all very new to me.

Ooh, the nerves, please go easy on me haha! Note: I have rectified the mistake in the first line and have resubmitted my story as a re-edit, and the edited version should be uploaded shortly.

(category: lesbian, first time, anal)

https://www.literotica.com/s/first-time-with-a-girl-3

 

[NoJo]

The typos that are mentioned in the comments you received, can irk some readers, like scratches and needle-jumps on a vinyl record (remember them?)

But those commenters are really praising you with faint damns -- there are lots of ways to spoil a story that are far harder to fix, and you didn't really make many of them. The sentences are well constructed, the paragraphs are a good length.

The story goes quickly into the action (too quickly for me, but that's a very personal thing).

To accelerate the action, avoid "began" (seven of them in your story), and "started" (a whopping fifteen appear). Use variations and increase the vocabulary in your story (I often use Shift-F7 for MS Word's Thesaurus) to avoid jarring the reader with repetition: Two consecutive paragraphs start with "I started to move.."

As the sexual level increases, shorten the sentences - i.e. make the pace of your writing track the pace of the action.

All in all, pretty impressive for your first story. Do more!

Joe

 

[JupiterMars]

Above are all good points.
Solid first story.
You used first person perspective, that can be tricky when telling a story about two people.
Definitely build up your characters. This will make the reader care about them as much as you do.
Keep at it. Write more.

 

[Darkhorse40]

Thanks so much; it was very daunting at first to read the comments, but it is incredibly helpful as I really had no idea of how to structure the story. While I don't feel comfortable with writing lots of dialogue, I am working on incorporating it, as well as using more synonyms and using shorter sentences as the action intensifies.

I am editing my second story, which is slightly longer (4,500 words) and which already has more dialogue and development of characters, so I might post the first 2 paragraphs shortly for feedback before I submit it....

Many thanks, DH

 

[NoJo]

Some great stories have zero dialogue.

When I write dialogue (which I enjoy doing), I have to imagine the people's tone of voice, their faces, the direction of their gaze etc, much more than when I'm just reporting what they say or do. So that helps me (I believe) get a little more depth into the characters, because I have to think about them more, their moods, their feelings. So that also helps with the other scenes; the situation is more life-like to me , once I've "heard" the characters speaking, in my head.

 

[Vitriolhack]

Read your story.

First of all, I want to encourage you with your writing and you should keep on practicing. I am not saying I am any good at it, but, you will become better with practice; just like anything else.

I do think that sequence and pace is important. You do want to set the stage a little better. I find that stories where you can taste and smell the environment work best for me. I do love dialogue, it’s a great way to impart character traits.

Not always easy to find the time but, Keep on writing!

PS: Screw the trolls, don’t let them get to you.



VitriolHack.

 

[yukonnights]

As others have told you, there is an underlying ability to put interesting words together. One of the public comments said; '...There is no story here. It's just 9/10ths an explicit sex scene without even any feelings expressed other than the physical.'

I tend to agree with this statement. To build on the innate word skills you already have, I think you just need to study what actually makes a good short story. Below is a common list if things a story should have.
***

The five elements of a short story are character(s), plot, setting, conflict and theme.

1. The first element of a short story are the characters. The character(s) is a person (entity) that performs the actions of the story's plot. It is usually important to slowly build up and reveal the important characters so the reader can get a mental picture of them. Think in terms of creating a mental movie. As a writer, this mental movie is playing in our head as we write...make sure the reader gets to see it too.

2. The second element is plot. The plot refers to the events that occur during the story that the character experiences. A plot's structure consists of; the introduction, rising action, climax, falling action and resolution. In you story, each of these elements was rushed, or missing altogether.

3. The third element of the short story is the setting. The setting is the time and place in which the plot occurs. The author can identify setting details for the reader, such as the time period, the season or the type of place where the story takes place. Again, this is part of creating that mental movie for your characters to live in. In your story, it was more of a cold report of the facts, for the most part. (A well described report...but for the most part still just a report.)

4. The fourth element of a short story is the conflict. Within the story, there is some sort of problem that needs to be solved. In your story, the tension/conflict was the first time hesitancy, but you resolved it in the first sentence; "The first time I touched a woman, it came much naturally than I could ever have imagined." After that opening, there was no challenge...no dilemma, no conflict or tension. Without this conflict, without overcoming an obstacle, a story goes flat. The best stories make the reader unsure how it will all work out, etc.

5. The fifth and final element of a story is the theme. The theme is the central idea of the story. This is sometimes referred to as 'the moral of the story'...or the message, etc. In your story, I'm not real sure what the message was. It ended on; "That was one hell of an erotic introduction to lesbian sex, and was just the beginning of what turned out to be an extremely dirty weekend."
***
I really believe you have stories to tell, and the ability to tell them. But, perhaps just didn't know quite how to do that. If down and dirty sex scenes are what you want to write, then you can ignore most of the above. But if you do have a message to send into the world, I hope this bit of information will help...and encourage you to dig deeper and continue to learn. Either way, congratulations on publishing your first story, and best wishes for success as you go forward! ~