Feedback on my first story?

[kirok]

This is my first story. It's called Maybe, and is about a loving couple experimenting.

https://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?url=maybe-10

Thanks!

 

[girlatheart]

Thumbs up!!!

Congrats on your first one! I just had mine as well.

I really liked the story. It very realistic, which I enjoy, and had a nice pace.

 

[robertreams]

Congratulations on your first story. Though it was very long ago, I remember that day very well. Keep writing . I love the way you have shown us their relationship by their gentle teasing and tickling, etc. I did not find the sex scene that hot, but I am very picky in that regard.

Please in the future re-read your stories after you write them, trying to read them as if you have never seen them before. Then, find yourself a good editor.

Too many of your sentences (more than one third) read: “I …..and....” e.g. “I started the water and stripped to my underwear.” “I stepped into the hallway and wrapped my arms around her.” Try varying some of them using participles,gerunds, etc. For example: “Stepping suddenly into the hallway, I wrapped my arms around her.”


Bykirok©.

:"Are you ready for this?"

She hovers (just) in front of my face. My hands held down above my head. Her pussy is wet with sex - both hers and mine." (this sentence tells your reader that both your characters have pussies. You didn't intend it to say that, but it does.)

"Because you're getting it, whether you are ready. Or not." She looks down into my eyes (and) smiled. (Tense change in this sentence.)

An hour before, Rashel was (just) (avoid this word, it makes your writing sound immature and slangy because it is trite and has an ambiguous meaning) getting home from work. I had the day off. Most of the day was spent playing video games and surfing the web, but (just) before she got home I went into action. A few candles in the bedroom, a few in the bathroom. Bath salts and bubbles ready. Toys washed up and sitting beside the bed.

Everything was in place to give Rashel an (amazing) night. (this word and “awesome” are being like totally overused and have become trite.)

When I heard her car pulling in the driveway, I started the hot water (and) stripped to my underwear.

"Hey dear, I'm home!". . .

I started pouring in the salt as she made her way up the stairs. Then I stepped back into the hallway (and) wrapped her up in my arms.

"Hey!" I gave her a small kiss on the mouth. "Oh, there's a new rule. No clothes allowed upstairs."

"Is that so? Then what are these you're wearing?" She reached down (and) (to?) grabbed my cock, still clad in underwear. I was already half mast from the anticipation and the little squeeze she gave pushed me even further. She whispered in my ear, "I love feeling you get hard in my hand."

I grabbed her face (and) turned it into mine and really laid into her. I shoved my tongue into her mouth (and) she moaned in response. A little hint of how the night would be going.

Or so I thought.

"Why don't you take all those heavy clothes off and hop in the tub with me?"

"I could probably do that," she smirked.

We walked into the bathroom, hand in hand. Exaggerating the motions, I turned away from her, bent over, and pulled my underwear off as slowly as possible. Still bent over, she smacked my ass. (an introductory clause must always refer to the subject of the sentence.You have her bending over not him). This should have been my first hint that the night wouldn't quite go as planned.

"Hey now! What was that for?"

"That was for being naughty (and) sending me all those dirty texts while I was trying to work."

"I tried to get you to play hooky with me (and) have a sex day, but nooo. You have to go (and) be responsible."

She was now down to her underwear. (Woman's underwear usually includes bra and panties. You probably should have said “panties.”) As she slid them down her legs she deliberately turned toward me (and) covered her butt so I couldn't smack her in return. . .

She then leaned forward (and) kissed my ear as her fingers roamed from my chest down to my stomache (sp) and beyond. "You about ready to get out of here?"

I played coy. "What would we do then?"

Her fingers traced to my thighs, over to my testicles. She knows (tense) that dragging fingernails along them drives me wild. She slid them a little lower, reaching all the way back to my ass (and) pressing gently on it. . .

"Oh? Too bad... why don't we turn the shower on (and) rinse off this soap?" (natural and normal breaks in conversation should be indicated by commas. An ellipse, written dot space, dot space, dot space, is used for information that has been omitted or deleted.)

I kicked open the drain (and) stood up, then reached a hand back to help her up.

"Oof. You really should have let me pee when I got home."

This made me grin. "And ruin all the fun?"

"Don't you dare!"

I pinned her to the wall( and) started tickling her sides. She squirmed and squeaked. "Stop it!"

She smacked one hand away, so I reached down (and) started squeezing at her thigh. This spot is even more ticklish.

"Why do you do this to me?"

"Because it's fun."

"I'm going to pee all over you."

I stopped tickling her for the moment (and) met her gaze. Then I pressed my lips against hers (and) resumed our forceful kissing from earlier. Her tongue danced back against mine.

"Is that what you want...?" She asked, so quietly I almost couldn't hear. Her lips still pressed against mine. Just about the most adorable thing in the world.

My answer came in the form of kissing down her body. First her chin. Down her neck. Between her breasts. Across her stomache (sp) and her pierced belly button. To the short little patch of hair she keeps. One kiss right on her clit that gets (tense) a big moan from her. And then I resume the aggressiveness and stick my tongue right up into her as deep as I can. This gets an even bigger moan.
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