feedback on my first story "Three? - Sometimes"

[butafly]

Heya,

I have recently written and posted my very first erotic story. So far there is only the first part which is mainly about a really long blowjob (very detailed description that is) but there are more parts to come and as you can tell from the title "Three? - Sometimes" there will be at least one threesome somewhere during the story.
I'd appreciate it if you could give me some feedback on the first part so I know what I could improve before I get into the second one.

This is how you find the story:
author: butafly
title: Three? - Sometimes Ch. 1
category: Romance
Link: Three? - Sometimes Ch. 1

Please be nice - I'm only young and English is not my first language...

Thanks in advance!

butafly

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Most authors around here don’t care for second person (“I/you”) stories. It’s kind of off-putting to be constantly told what we’re doing and feeling, and too often the author of something like this is simply writing out his/her fantasy, and so the writing lacks a certain amount of skill and freshness. I know how it goes: as an author you write what excites you and just assume it will turn other people on too, but it really takes more than that to make an arousing story.

This was a very “how-to” story: long on the details of what was done, but kind of short on those visual and graphic imagery that let us get a good mental picture of what things looked like, and the things described were kind of mechanical. Maybe knowing just what her tongue did is a turn-on to some people, but I think most of us are more interested in what she’s feeling. She’s strangely empty of any emotion, which gives the sex a very detached and mechanical feel.

---dr.M.

 

[butafly]

"I know how it goes: as an author you write what excites you and just assume it will turn other people on too, but it really takes more than that to make an arousing story."

It is actually quite different: I'm writing the story for the person who I am addressing with "you". He seems to enjoy hearing that sort of story rather than me telling him about other people. But I guess you have a point there and I'm glad you made me aware of it as I hadn't thought about it yet.

"This was a very “how-to” story: long on the details of what was done, but kind of short on those visual and graphic imagery that let us get a good mental picture of what things looked like, and the things described were kind of mechanical. Maybe knowing just what her tongue did is a turn-on to some people, but I think most of us are more interested in what she’s feeling. She’s strangely empty of any emotion, which gives the sex a very detached and mechanical feel."

Hmmm... I didn't notice or realise that's how it came across... I'm definitely going to keep that in mind for the next story. Live and learn

Thanks a lot for the helpful comment!

butafly