Feedback on my first story please, Hannah's Bachelor Party

[jkl94611]

I just published my first story. I was hoping for some feedback on it. I think it is hot, but of course that's my perspective. I would love to hear what I could be doing differently. Thank you in advanced.

https://www.literotica.com/s/hannahs-bachelor-party

 

[LongDraw]

Comments in order of being read:

Don't start your story describing your girlfriends measurements. Would you introduce her like that to your parents for the first time?
She was an exhibitionist that was concerned about her nipples showing through her bra? This seems like polar opposites to me.
phone number 617-xxx-xxxx?? Just make up a phony number that starts with 000 or something? or better yet just have them say please call me back. It's a voicemail, there's a call number logged.
pretty sure she would tell George to go fuck himself and hang up after suggesting she strip like she's in a strip club. and then what else is going to be expected? yeah, really not believable.

Okay, I'm almost halfway through the first page of the story and I'm having an extremely hard time buying into the narrative. It could be an interesting story, but I really think you need to get a female editor to help you with your plot lines.

I'm not going to vote on your story yet as I don't believe in penalizing someone's story during the new listing phase if they can fix it.

 

[jkl94611]

Comments in order of being read:

Don't start your story describing your girlfriends measurements. Would you introduce her like that to your parents for the first time?
She was an exhibitionist that was concerned about her nipples showing through her bra? This seems like polar opposites to me.
phone number 617-xxx-xxxx?? Just make up a phony number that starts with 000 or something? or better yet just have them say please call me back. It's a voicemail, there's a call number logged.
pretty sure she would tell George to go fuck himself and hang up after suggesting she strip like she's in a strip club. and then what else is going to be expected? yeah, really not believable.

Okay, I'm almost halfway through the first page of the story and I'm having an extremely hard time buying into the narrative. It could be an interesting story, but I really think you need to get a female editor to help you with your plot lines.

I'm not going to vote on your story yet as I don't believe in penalizing someone's story during the new listing phase if they can fix it.

Thank you for the feedback. I like it. The issue with her nipples was that she was always concerned about coming across as slutty. She was definitely conflicted. She loved guys checking her out. Her fantasy for a long time and I think continues is to be admired by a bunch of guys, but she was always really worried about her reputation. So while she got a huge turn on when she went braless, she was also uncomfortable about who we might run into. It was a conflict for her throughout our relationship.

Yeah, good point. If a guy called her up and said, "Will you strip for us." I'm sure most women would say "fuck off". I'm not 100% sure what George said to her, but he got the point across to her and she was willing to consider it. This was a hear say story that she told me several times and every time the story seemed to align. She did share other stories which were fantasies, but she promised me that this was true.

 

[LongDraw]

Let me put this another way that a guy can understand for the bra-nipple situation.

If a guy wants to show off that he's got a large package, he's not going to care if he gets an erection in a pair of athletic shorts while going commando. He's going to flaunt it. Same for women, if they want to flaunt it, they won't be shying away from exactly that.

 

[jkl94611]

Let me put this another way that a guy can understand for the bra-nipple situation.

If a guy wants to show off that he's got a large package, he's not going to care if he gets an erection in a pair of athletic shorts while going commando. He's going to flaunt it. Same for women, if they want to flaunt it, they won't be shying away from exactly that.

That makes sense.

 

[AahhWhattheHell]

Having very quickly read a couple of pages. I have to say the following.

1. I will agree that rattling off numbers is the quickest way for me to stop reading a story. Numbers don't excite people generally. It's the anticipation and excitement that work better.

2. There are several links for how to avoid numbers like this one. https://literotica.com/s/what-i-wish-i-knew

3. The mentioning of clothing and conversations did amazingly well to set up her nerves about acting out a fantasy. Great job on both accounts.

4. If your goal with the phone# was to say that it was out of town, then say it was an out of town/(or state) area code. Again numbers don't scream sexual fantasy. Emotions and imagination do. Paint with emotions and let the reader's imagination fill in the rest.

5. Great first start; a little tweaking in your style and you will be even better.

 

[Mastered_again]

Generally a good story, and I would agree with the other comments to improve it.

However, for me ( this being from the female perspective) is that her transition from unwilling and insulted to highly cooperative was too abrupt and uneven. The remainder of the story would be better served if she pondered the proposal longer and did more to talk herself into it. I couldn't form any attachment to the character. What were her thoughts and feelings? What made her change her mind? Her lack of credibility makes the story exactly that, despite it being factual.

 

[AngstIgnored]

It came across, to me anyway, like a guy bragging about making a girl do something that wasn’t really in her nature, and happy that he sort of turned her into something weird, quickly and without a lot of reasons for why she would do that. Maybe with less of a 0-60 sort of thing it would have felt more natural and realistic?