Feedback on my first Novella

[NikmiHax]

Hi Guys

I've been writing for years, but never published on LIT before, my previous work has mainly been non-sexual, at least the stuff I posted.

I am working on a novella that might go on to be novel length. Where I've set challenges for myself.

1. Tell it in Present tense, singular (I know unusual, but that is what makes it fun!)
2. Sex heavy but with focus on character development of my main characters love interests.
3. No "blocks of sex sounds" - big pet peeves of mine

I have released Chapter 1 through 6 (4-6 is named 4-7, by mistake, already submitted an edit)

I would love some constructive feedback!

https://literotica.com/s/new-in-town-laura-ch-01-03

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hi Guys

I've been writing for years, but never published on LIT before, my previous work has mainly been non-sexual, at least the stuff I posted.

I am working on a novella that might go on to be novel length. Where I've set challenges for myself.

1. Tell it in Present tense, singular (I know unusual, but that is what makes it fun!)
2. Sex heavy but with focus on character development of my main characters love interests.
3. No "blocks of sex sounds" - big pet peeves of mine

I have released Chapter 1 through 6 (4-6 is named 4-7, by mistake, already submitted an edit)

I would love some constructive feedback!

https://literotica.com/s/new-in-town-laura-ch-01-03

I'm not sure what "present tense singular" is - I think you might mean "present tense first person"?

I don't have time to get through a full novella or even a chapter, but I took a look at the start. Unfortunately it has several problems that would have turned me off reading pretty quickly.

I'm guessing you are not a native English speaker. There are a few odd word choices ("fridging under my stare") that confused me. There's no quick fix for that kind of thing, just practice and in the meantime maybe finding a beta reader who can help catch this kind of thing before publication.

You begin with a "prelude", in which the narrator gets lost in a new city, and then go into a "Chapter 1" which is just continuing the scene. I'm not sure why you didn't just make that all just "Chapter 1". Generally a "prelude" is used for something that's relevant to the story that follows, but in a different time/place or a very different voice.

You mention that "with a workplace where safety is a high priority, personal cell phones aren't allowed on the premises, and hence I have simply gotten into the habit of leaving the phone at home" as an explanation for how our protagonist manages to get lost, but this doesn't hold water. It's not obvious why phones would be a safety problem for IT security, and even in workplaces with a no-phone policy, the usual solution is to provide a locker where staff can leave their phones for the day.

Grammar/punctuation needs a lot of work. You have a lot of sentences that are missing their terminal punctuation (e.g. full stops), some random capitals in the middle of sentences, and the speech isn't punctuated properly:

"Excuse me" I hear a soft voice behind me say

Also, you have a weird thing going with double periods:

"Oh yeah, Hi" I say awkwardly I at least manage to put a smile on my face as I snap out of my trance. Her light green summer dress, covering her at most 1.58m, tall frame sways slightly in the air, giving a small indication of the petite frame hidden beneath, as it catches against her hips.. Just.. Wow

English doesn't use double periods. Either a single period to mark the end of a full stop, or three of them to form an ellipse ... that indicates either omitted text, or a trailing-off of speech/thoughts.

The segue into the sex scene with somebody he barely knows felt a bit rushed; if this is going to be a novella, there's time for them to get to know one another a bit better.

That's all I have time for, sorry!

 

[NikmiHax]

I'm not sure what "present tense singular" is - I think you might mean "present tense first person"?

I don't have time to get through a full novella or even a chapter, but I took a look at the start. Unfortunately it has several problems that would have turned me off reading pretty quickly.

I'm guessing you are not a native English speaker. There are a few odd word choices ("fridging under my stare") that confused me. There's no quick fix for that kind of thing, just practice and in the meantime maybe finding a beta reader who can help catch this kind of thing before publication.

You begin with a "prelude", in which the narrator gets lost in a new city, and then go into a "Chapter 1" which is just continuing the scene. I'm not sure why you didn't just make that all just "Chapter 1". Generally a "prelude" is used for something that's relevant to the story that follows, but in a different time/place or a very different voice.

You mention that "with a workplace where safety is a high priority, personal cell phones aren't allowed on the premises, and hence I have simply gotten into the habit of leaving the phone at home" as an explanation for how our protagonist manages to get lost, but this doesn't hold water. It's not obvious why phones would be a safety problem for IT security, and even in workplaces with a no-phone policy, the usual solution is to provide a locker where staff can leave their phones for the day.

Grammar/punctuation needs a lot of work. You have a lot of sentences that are missing their terminal punctuation (e.g. full stops), some random capitals in the middle of sentences, and the speech isn't punctuated properly:



Also, you have a weird thing going with double periods:



English doesn't use double periods. Either a single period to mark the end of a full stop, or three of them to form an ellipse ... that indicates either omitted text, or a trailing-off of speech/thoughts.

The segue into the sex scene with somebody he barely knows felt a bit rushed; if this is going to be a novella, there's time for them to get to know one another a bit better.

That's all I have time for, sorry!

I appreciate it! A good handful of the errors you point out I could have caught myself if I had done more in dept proof reading. I got caught in a rush to get something out and see how well it fared! - But you are right, english is my second language.

I actually worked at a place where we couldn't even bring our phones into work - but I can see simpler is better might have been appropriate in this case, perhaps he should simply just have recently lost it!

I might flesh out the interaction before their encounter turn sexual, I like a slower burn myself, but I got advised that in communities like this, people really want the "sex to start fast" - I might have let that notion pressure me a bit too much!

So thanks for the constructive criticism, it gives me something to work with and approve from, even if you ran out of time!

 

[Bubo_bubo]

<snip>

I might flesh out the interaction before their encounter turn sexual, I like a slower burn myself, but I got advised that in communities like this, people really want the "sex to start fast" - I might have let that notion pressure me a bit too much!

<snip>

I mostly second Bramblethorn comments.

I just wanted to react to this. The problem is not the slow burn, but the sudden transition of flirting and tentative contact to "fuck me please". You might not need to lengthen the narrative but rather start the build-up to sexy times earlier so it can be more gradual (depending on what type of character you want Laura to be of course).

 

[NikmiHax]

I mostly second Bramblethorn comments.

I just wanted to react to this. The problem is not the slow burn, but the sudden transition of flirting and tentative contact to "fuck me please". You might not need to lengthen the narrative but rather start the build-up to sexy times earlier so it can be more gradual (depending on what type of character you want Laura to be of course).

I see your point. I was going for it coming a bit out of the blue with her. But I can see how the turn might be a bit too sudden without my internal narrative about the character

I am working on a re-write. Also changing to past tense as I do and doing a bit more “world building” I know people don’t want to know how pretty flowers are necessarily, but one thing I felt was missing myself was the characters surroundings feeling rather.. sterile - so adding more of than and not necessarily more narrative.

Also reaching out and hoping to find a volunteer editor to work with, as my punctuation will probably never reach 100%

Thanks for the feedback!

 

[ElectricBlue]

I might flesh out the interaction before their encounter turn sexual, I like a slower burn myself, but I got advised that in communities like this, people really want the "sex to start fast" - I might have let that notion pressure me a bit too much!

That was bad advice. There are plenty of stories with slow burn, just as there are plenty of stories that start right in on the action. Do both, like I do - although I am more slow burn. Make readers wait, then reward them!

A suggestion, if I may. Since English is your second language, and reading the comments here, you need to master the technical stuff, start with short stories. A novella might be too ambitious, as a first piece.

Try a series of shorter, stand-alone stories, around 6000 - 7000 words or so (two Lit pages), to learn your techniques - spelling, grammar, punctuation, the pace of a story, its flow. Learn how to write good dialogue, to develop two characters. Find your natural style.

Do an apprenticeship with ten or so short pieces first, then try something more ambitious. I think you'll end up being a better writer, with more confidence. Walk before you try running - that way, you won't fall over so often, and you'll get further in the long run.

 

[NikmiHax]

That was bad advice. There are plenty of stories with slow burn, just as there are plenty of stories that start right in on the action. Do both, like I do - although I am more slow burn. Make readers wait, then reward them!

A suggestion, if I may. Since English is your second language, and reading the comments here, you need to master the technical stuff, start with short stories. A novella might be too ambitious, as a first piece.

Try a series of shorter, stand-alone stories, around 6000 - 7000 words or so (two Lit pages), to learn your techniques - spelling, grammar, punctuation, the pace of a story, its flow. Learn how to write good dialogue, to develop two characters. Find your natural style.

Do an apprenticeship with ten or so short pieces first, then try something more ambitious. I think you'll end up being a better writer, with more confidence. Walk before you try running - that way, you won't fall over so often, and you'll get further in the long run.

In my defence, I do feel like that you guys are making my English sound worse than it actually is xD Plenty or high rated stories around here with worse grammar and turns of phrases than my story, in my slightly defensive opinion
I know that when asking for feedback, people tend to focus on what’s wrong and not do shoulder patting and mention what works xD

- I appreciate the advice, but for my personal storyteller preferences, a connected story is the best way to do about it - I am however going to try to put way more love and care into it each chapter! And perhaps I can find a good editor down the road. - I might work on some shorter stories along my attempt at a connected story, to get some of the practice you point out is a good thing to get in abundance! But I stand by my statement that you guys are making me sound worse than I Am xD

 

[ElectricBlue]

In my defence, I do feel like that you guys are making my English sound worse than it actually is xD Plenty or high rated stories around here with worse grammar and turns of phrases than my story, in my slightly defensive opinion
I know that when asking for feedback, people tend to focus on what’s wrong and not do shoulder patting and mention what works xD

- I appreciate the advice, but for my personal storyteller preferences, a connected story is the best way to do about it - I am however going to try to put way more love and care into it each chapter! And perhaps I can find a good editor down the road. - I might work on some shorter stories along my attempt at a connected story, to get some of the practice you point out is a good thing to get in abundance! But I stand by my statement that you guys are making me sound worse than I Am xD

Don't get defensive, get better! But I like your spirit.

My comment, btw, was based only on the other respondees, and seeing the drift of it, I gave the suggestion I usually give to any new writer who starts with something big - start with something small to learn your technical chops and your own style. You need to become a good writer first, before you write good stories. Otherwise, you get good stories written badly, and nobody really wants that.

 

[NikmiHax]

Don't get defensive, get better! But I like your spirit.

My comment, btw, was based only on the other respondees, and seeing the drift of it, I gave the suggestion I usually give to any new writer who starts with something big - start with something small to learn your technical chops and your own style. You need to become a good writer first, before you write good stories. Otherwise, you get good stories written badly, and nobody really wants that.

I understand what you’re saying and it’s good advice. Perhaps it would be better to do my current story as a series of smaller stories instead of trying for one long story. Like I see many on here going about, If they want to use the same characters - I have written many stories in my life, some better than others, and never really published beyond select crowds! - but you are totally right that it is worth aiming to be better

I tend to build very complex characters in my head, even for erotic stories, so writing separate stories with separate characters, wouldn’t come naturally to my inner story teller!

I still hold by that no matter how good I get, I am searching for a good editor to work with! A second pair of eyes before publishing, seems like a consistently good idea!

Your last sentence hits home because my confidence do tell me that I’m a good storyteller forever DM in tabletop games and years of doing online erotic and otherwise roleplay in second life) but I need to develop the skills to also write the story well!

Thanks

 

[Bramblethorn]

I actually worked at a place where we couldn't even bring our phones into work - but I can see simpler is better might have been appropriate in this case, perhaps he should simply just have recently lost it!

Yeah, or a flat battery or something like that. I've worked in places that had a no-phone policy but there's always been a place on premises to store phones securely; some folk need their phones just to get to work, what with ride-share apps and so on. If you did work in a place that didn't even allow that, my apologies! Unfortunately sometimes real life isn't "realistic" and it's easier to simplify it rather than use that real experience.

I might flesh out the interaction before their encounter turn sexual, I like a slower burn myself, but I got advised that in communities like this, people really want the "sex to start fast" - I might have let that notion pressure me a bit too much!

There are audiences for almost anything here. I have a 16k word story where the only sex scene is one vague paragraph around the middle of the story, and it's rated "hot".

In my defence, I do feel like that you guys are making my English sound worse than it actually is xD Plenty or high rated stories around here with worse grammar and turns of phrases than my story, in my slightly defensive opinion

You're not wrong. Nobody mangles English like a native speaker. But there's room for improvement, and while vocabulary is a slog, the sentence and speech punctuation is a relatively low-effort thing that would make a big difference.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I tend to build very complex characters in my head, even for erotic stories, so writing separate stories with separate characters, wouldn’t come naturally to my inner story teller!

At least half of my stories are interconnected in one way or another, with common characters or spin-off characters, but each individual story line (signified by the chapter sequences) is stand-alone.

I have a small range of male characters who I know backwards, so writing them is easier, which leaves me more time to portray the women, because they're the ones who interest me more. It's also a story-telling technique my readers get used to, helping them quickly find familiar ground - "Ah, an Adam story, I know him well. What's he getting up to this time?" So they can hit the ground running, if you like.