Feedback on my 1st story please:)

[Slave4Doody2nite]

If i could have some constructive critism on my story it is the first story I have ever wrote. I am planning on finishing this story and submitting it this weekend. Please any tips or pointers on how to make the 2nd part better. Also in my comments I gave some background to my story it would make it a better read I think if you read it first. I am sorry due to this being my first attempt and due to the fact that I wrote this all in one sitting, and submitted it before really proof reading it. If you would like to see something in the next please let me know, I plan to make the ending of this quite dark. It is a non-consent story and bsdm so if your not into that please don't bash me for that. Thank you.
http://www.literotica.com/s/valentines-day-gone-awry
is the link

 

[inflagranteloti]

Hi there. Congrats on writing your first story! I think I can offer a bit of constructive criticism, but if you really want to give your writing a boost, consider asking one of the volunteer editors to edit your story. You'll get a lot of great feedback that will be a lot more in-depth than what you'll get here or in the comment section of the site.

There's a bit of inconsistency in verb tenses throughout the text. Rule of thumb is to write in the past tense, but if you like present, go for it. Just be consistent.

Watch out for shifts in point of view. The first paragraph is written in first person POV and then it shifts to third person multiple. Third person multiple is when the reader is privy to the thoughts and feelings of more than one character. The more common form is third person limited, where the reader only gets to see the scene from one character's perspective. You might consider re-writing and telling the story just from Heather's perspective.

Another thing I noticed was when the husband enters the shower, Heather is no longer referred to by her name but only by either "slave" or "she." I'm not sure if this was intentional, though it seems unlikely since she's called Heather again once they're back in the bedroom. Depending on whose point of view this is told from, calling her slave might be a bit off.

Personally, I thought that the dialogue felt stilted. Read your dialogue out loud after you write it and try and imagine someone actually saying those words.

Try to avoid starting so many sentences with either a pronoun or a proper name. It will force you think about your sentence structure a bit differently, and will add a lot more variety to your writing.

I also thought the mechanics of the scene were off. I didn't understand how she was supposed to bed over and grab her ankles while also sucking the purple dildo that was pressed to the wall. Is her head going between her legs? If it's in front of her, I can't see how she would be able to crane her neck up and move forward far enough to take it in her mouth if she's also holding her ankles. Is the dildo on the floor? Even still, she would have to be hella flexible to move around so much while holding her ankles.

Watch out for errors in punctuation. This is where you'd get a lot of help from having someone else edit your story. Misplaced or missing commas were a big issue in the text. There are a lot of great grammar sites out there that can help you understand the rules of comma usage--I personally like the Purdue online writing lab (http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/).

Hope this helps!

 

[hngaro]

Un misticismo que se acrecent

Un misticismo que se acrecent cuando, en 1985, la NASL cerr definitivamente sus puertas ante la prdida paulatina de espectadores en los estadios y el Cosmos se vio obligado a desaparecer, slo catorce aos despus de su nacimiento. La gran urbe perda su equipo de ftbol. Era el fin de un sueo que empez, todo hay que decirlo, en la cresta de una ola que fue incapaz de cabalgar.

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calzoncillos calvin klein baratos

calzoncillos calvin klein

 

[Slave4Doody2nite]

Thank you

I am rewriting the story and having it start on how she met her husband and how her relationship came to be the way it is. The story will also be all from her perspective on how the events unfold and how they make her feel. I hope you will enjoy the changes. It probably won't be turned in unitl the weekend because I would like to make sure I get it edited.