Feedback on Katie's Lesson

[Hascats]

If you don't mind, take a look at Katie's Lesson. Here's a link. Post if it's believable, etc., what you like and didn't like about it. Thank you very much!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=418768

 

[CWatson]

Well, from a technical standpoint, it's in good shape.

You're still doing that attribution-verb thing and you're also still doing the adverb thing. You're trying to make them more interesting. Your instincts are good, but you're making mistakes on both counts. Let me see if I can explain the conventional views on the subjects.

First off, when I say "attribution verb", I mean the little rider on a piece of dialogue. " 'You're a monster,' he gasped", or, " 'Fuck me,' she groaned". He said, she said, Bill said, Monica said--those riders. By and large, you'll probably want to stick with "said" as your verb, or at least other verbs that involve a mouth opening and sound coming out. In your last story you have "jumped" and in this one you have "smiled" and "implored", which are all acceptable--I mean, The Reader will buy it--but, as I said last time, each run the risk of breaking the Suspension of Disbelief because The Reader has to spend a little bit of time thinking about it. Attribution verbs should be invisible in the same way punctuation is; they should not draw attention to themselves. Or, at least, that's the conventional view.

Now, as for Adverbs. Adverbs are the adjectives you modify verbs with: in the sentence, "He angrily threw it across the room", the word 'angrily' is the adverb (with 'threw' being the verb it modifies). The reason we use them is to make the sentence or action more interesting, or to clarify its nature: after all, throwing something and throwing something angrily are pretty different actions. The problem is that adverbs are lazy. In general, whenever you have an adverb-verb combination, there is already a single verb that already represents that action--and, generally, that verb is cooler. How about, "He hurled it across the room"? Or, "He flung it across the room"? Why would you "angrily throw" something when you could do one of those instead? So when you're proofreading, do a search for "ly", because this will find you most of your adverbs. Replace every one of them with a stronger, more interesting verb. Your writing quality will skyrocket.

Now, for technical stuff.

Katie was my best friend throughout high school and into college. A few years younger than I, sex had never really came up; she was more of a younger sister to me. We did a lot of things together. Now and again, the idea of being more than friends could be sensed between us, but we had never explored that avenue.

Two problems here. First off, "A few years younger than I" is a hanging clause; you never describe who is a few years younger than the narrator. Also, "the idea of being more than friends could be sensed" is passive voice, and you might want to fix it.

"Why don't you pull over and teach me how to use it, then" she said with a drunkard's eyes.

Missing punctuation mark inside the close-quotation...

"Is this what I'm supposed to do?" She asked.

You don't have to capitalize "she" in this case; for the purposes of capitalization and structure, any punctuation mark inside the close-quote counts as a comma. (Unless you actually want it to be the end of a sentence, e.g.: " 'Is this what I'm supposed to do?' She turned her eyes upward to meet my gaze.")

"Lets do it on the hood," she said.

"Let's".

Finally, I found some of your descriptions overwrought, but that's personal taste so you should feel free to disregard it.

 

[Hascats]

I get a little verbose sometimes, hence the line "fog of lemony-scented pleasure" thing!

 

[CWatson]

Hey, all you Lit boardie reader type peoples! Give me a hand here! Why am I the only person answering this poor fellow?