Feedback on interracial story

[GirlMidnite]

I wrote an interracial story called
Ophelia & Tyrone 4ever: Tyrone . It is my second erotic story, and I wouldn't mind a bit of criticism.

It is an interracial(ish) story with a dark, humourous undercurrent. It starts with the troubled marriage of a black couple. Tyrone comes across as a bit of a 'baddie' but this may change if I decide to add future installments, as there is a reason behind his bitterness towards his wife.

Informative feedback would be really cool (I have already received some good feedback, but it would be good to get more, to see where I can make improvements in writing style.)

The grammer is a bit cruddy, so apologies to grammophiles.

 

[NoJo]

Hi, Girlmidnite!

I liked the story, gave it a 5, becuase you're a in the "good writer" category for me, and you'll get even better the more you write.

I have to agree with one of the public commenters about paragraph one, the most important one in any story.

Not only did it have too many commas, but you ended on an inadvertently funny metaphor. I actually checked to see if this wasn't humor and satire.

Getting over that, I had another problem with para two. You lay on the black-skinned thing twice. First time, "shiny ebony temples", was quite nice, but "black brows" was a little bit like saying "the guy's black -- geddit? GEDDIT?"

So two strikes in the first two paras.

Then it got better. I like your choppy style, one-word paras.

Don't put italicised thoughts in quote marks.

All in all, I enjoyed it, although I'd have prefered the similes to be used more sparingly.

Cheers, Joe.

 

[GirlMidnite]

Thanks Joe! Your comments will certainly be a useful guide to whatever I write next.

The description of the floating bosoms was intended to be a humourous depiction. The story is supposed to be slightly comic.

However the 'buoyant boobs' were probably out of place with the tempo of the first paragraph which probably made it sound less intentional.

I agree that I probably laid it on a bit thick with the ethnicana for Tyrone. I sort of couldn't help myself.

Cheers!