Feedback on first short story

[Emerson560406]

I recently posted my first story to Lit and I was hoping for some feedback. The title is The Blue Dress and it's in the Romance section. It's a pretty quick read - I forgot the word count but it's only one 'page' on the website. Thank you in advance for your thoughts and for taking the time to read my story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-blue-dress

Cheers!
E

 

[NotWise]

What a nice little story!

I shared an opinion with the first comment. There is a lot of description, some of which seems extraneous. On the other hand, that's probably a matter of style and the descriptions add to the sense of reality in the story; the description of their home life seems very realistic.

Also a matter of style, but I'll mention it anyway... You tend to use rather complex sentences and lots of participles (mostly, verbs ending in 'ing'). For me that makes the story a little more difficult to read than it would be if you simplified things a little. As an exercise, I once wrote a story using almost no participles. It resulted in simple, direct descriptions. You might find that useful, too.

 

[Emerson560406]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my story, Not. I will certainly try that exercise. I tend to over-write in my first drafts and then slash like crazy when editing. It would be great to minimize the fluff to begin with!

 

[NOIRTRASH]

I didn't score it or leave comments.

Its typical stuff newbs are famous for. The errors are plentiful and distracting.

Now its time to learn how to write.

 

[sr71plt]

I didn't score it or leave comments.

Its typical stuff newbs are famous for. The errors are plentiful and distracting.

Now its time to learn how to write.

You can pretty much ignore this one, Emerson. He does it because he's starved for attention.

 

[PennLady]

I thought it was a lot of fun, and nice to read a situation like this, which mirrors my own (married, two kids). I thought the interactions between the parents and the kids were all pretty believable.

I wouldn't consider 37 to be "middle-aged." That's usually said to be in the range of 45-50 or so (sigh I guess I'm middle-aged at 46).

For the actual writing, I thought it was well-done. I'm sure I'd find stuff if I was looking to edit but nothing jumped out at me.

 

[hadruprider]

For a first story it's excellent. Well done.

As for Noirtrash, it's time to learn how to use an apostrophe!

 

[ColetteJulie]

See my comment, I rated it 5*. Yes, perhaps a bit generous but I'm a sucker for romance and you did what you were supposed to do, make my heart go pitter patter..

 

[ColetteJulie]

For a first story it's excellent. Well done.

As for Noirtrash, it's time to learn how to use an apostrophe!

Apostrophes can be found on the far side of the Kuiper belt.

 

[Emerson560406]

Thank you, Penn! And nice catch on the middle-age remark. I'm searching for an editor who will hopefully catch these things before final submission. Any suggestions on an editor I can solicit would be much appreciated. I've tried reaching out to individuals and pandering to the forums with no luck.

Colette, *blush* the thought of your heart pittering and pattering to my keystrokes is overpowering, no doubt aided by your Kuiper belt comment and my affinity for astronomy .