Feedback on Chase Cooder if you have a moment...

[jomar]

Hi folks, my new story is out and has been pretty well received (for which I'm grateful). For better or worse, grandiose or not, I have aspirations for this one and want to build it into something money-worthy publishable if I can. I plan to expand it, maybe have a prologue to place the orb (you'll see). I know I need to create more tension in the first chapter when the plane engine dies. Also beef up the ending, the pharmaceutical angle and more, such as fine tune the chapter endings/beginnings - cliffhanger style may not work so good in a chapter book as it does when posted chapters are separated by days. I don't expect you to read the whole thing since it's 7 chapters and about 21K words, but whatever strikes you. You all shoot straight and I like that - any feedback to help me make it better would be much appreciated. Just click the iceberg below and it's the first story listed.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Hey, post a link, we're lazy slack asses in here...we don't know how to search for stories...

 

[jomar]

Hey, post a link, we're lazy slack asses in here...we don't know how to search for stories...

I know that so I did - click the iceberg and it will take you to my submissions page. Then you can click on whatever chapter catches your eye, if one does.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I know that so I did - click the iceberg and it will take you to my submissions page. Then you can click on whatever chapter catches your eye, if one does.

Iceberg? A lot of us have the signatures disabled.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Don't Worry, I Got Your Back!

Iceberg? A lot of us have the signatures disabled.

Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=777159

I edited the series and was grateful for having the privilege of editing a series I *actually* enjoyed! I'd say it's worth a look. There's more plot development and action than sex, however, so be prepared for that.

 

[jomar]

Iceberg? A lot of us have the signatures disabled.

Oh. Sorry, I forgot about that.

Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=777159

I edited the series and was grateful for having the privilege of editing a series I *actually* enjoyed! I'd say it's worth a look. There's more plot development and action than sex, however, so be prepared for that.

Thanks AS. You did a great job. I did try to put sex in every chapter - hence the "deleted scene" when one character said, "Fuck no!"

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Oh. Sorry, I forgot about that.



Thanks AS. You did a great job. I did try to put sex in every chapter - hence the "deleted scene" when one character said, "Fuck no!"

Well, now that there is a link, I can't think of any more excuses...so I suppose I should go give it a read....

 

[Varian P]

Hi Jomar,

Alright, commenting with my thoughts as I go...

I know I need to create more tension in the first chapter when the plane engine dies.

I wonder if you could achieve that most effectively by showing that scene from Maureen's perspective. Chase comes across as so confident, you may have a hard time making the plane's malfunction seem perilous, from his POV. The tension will come on if we feel the passengers' fear. I happen to be a bit of a freakophobe when it comes to flying, and even I wasn't the least wound up during this scene.

Your prose style makes for pleasant reading; it's light, playful, colorful. It comes on a tad heavy with all the humorous double-entendre, but that's likely just telling of my personal preferences.

The imagery of the scenery and the sense of the small plane rising and dipping come through vividly, with evocative but direct language.

I think you did a nice job of setting up a bit of tension as they arrive at the lodge, briefly introducing the sketchy trio by the fire, then leaving us to wonder.

This sentence didn't parse:

We met in Delta Force and inseparable.

This bothered me:

He dropped the soft fabric tie and the front of her robe parted slightly, revealing a slice of skin.

I understand the image you're going for, but the phrase “a slice of skin” just gives me an ouchie icky feeling.

Similarly, the repeated references to Chase's rough and calloused hands as he caresses Maureen had the opposite of an erotic effect on me.

You have lots of rousing descriptions of the action during the sex scene, and lots of little details that ring true, which I don't often see in my admittedly limited reading of the genre, such as Maureen holding her own leg up while Chase is on top of her. Somehow, though, the flow of the sex scene didn't completely work for me. It often felt like I was getting a list of things that happened, 'he did this, then she did that, then he did this other thing...' rather than feeling I was seeing an encounter unfold.

All-in-all, I found the first chapter a pleasant, light read, with a hint of intrigue. I wasn't so pulled in that I'm dying to read on, but again, that may be due more to the fact that this isn't my kind of story than because of any shortcoming in the storytelling.

I hope that's of some help.

-V

 

[jomar]

Hi Jomar,

Alright, commenting with my thoughts as I go...



I wonder if you could achieve that most effectively by showing that scene from Maureen's perspective. Chase comes across as so confident, you may have a hard time making the plane's malfunction seem perilous, from his POV. The tension will come on if we feel the passengers' fear. I happen to be a bit of a freakophobe when it comes to flying, and even I wasn't the least wound up during this scene.

Maybe so. I also considered Chase having a kernel of fear that he chokes back (someone mentioned that).

Your prose style makes for pleasant reading; it's light, playful, colorful. It comes on a tad heavy with all the humorous double-entendre, but that's likely just telling of my personal preferences.

I like the light style thing, but what are you finding heavy and humorous double-entendre that gets in the way?

We met in Delta Force and inseparable.

I'll check, maybe I left out a word. Or was there somehing else about it that was bothersome?

This bothered me:

He dropped the soft fabric tie and the front of her robe parted slightly, revealing a slice of skin.

I understand the image you're going for, but the phrase “a slice of skin” just gives me an ouchie icky feeling.

Similarly, the repeated references to Chase's rough and calloused hands as he caresses Maureen had the opposite of an erotic effect on me.

You have lots of rousing descriptions of the action during the sex scene, and lots of little details that ring true, which I don't often see in my admittedly limited reading of the genre, such as Maureen holding her own leg up while Chase is on top of her. Somehow, though, the flow of the sex scene didn't completely work for me. It often felt like I was getting a list of things that happened, 'he did this, then she did that, then he did this other thing...' rather than feeling I was seeing an encounter unfold.

Thanks. My hope for this is mainstream, so I'll probably be editing out the explicit sex. But if not, I'll definitely edit that - if you react that way, many others do too.

All-in-all, I found the first chapter a pleasant, light read, with a hint of intrigue. I wasn't so pulled in that I'm dying to read on, but again, that may be due more to the fact that this isn't my kind of story than because of any shortcoming in the storytelling.

I hope that's of some help.

-V

Big help. Thanks Varian.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Overall, I thought it was a good story.

You have one major technical glitch though, you've had a P&W PT-6 installed. It's a turbine, there would be no choke as there is no carb...The restart would have been more complex than just pressing the ignition switch. You should have kept the 9 cylinder radial....

 

[jomar]

Overall, I thought it was a good story.

You have one major technical glitch though, you've had a P&W PT-6 installed. It's a turbine, there would be no choke as there is no carb...The restart would have been more complex than just pressing the ignition switch. You should have kept the 9 cylinder radial....

WHAT! You mean they could have died! That's great catch. People who have your expertise would have slammed the story. Thanks drkman.

 

[Varian P]

I like the light style thing, but what are you finding heavy and humorous double-entendre that gets in the way?

Well...obviously with a title like Chase Cooder - Bush Pilot!, you've got a sort of running joke going with all the vagina euphemisms. So we've got Snapper Lake, the Busy Beaver tour, and we get this schtick between Chase and, ahem, Willy:

"...hey, don't you go thinking I haven't been in and out of that Beaver several times a day, though," Chase said with a wink.

"Still giving the Beaver a workout, eh?" ,

etc., etc.

Personally, I find those kinds of running gags a bit irksome. But hey, I loathe Monty Python and Woody Allen, so it's not like my taste in these matters is the kiss of death.

I'll check, maybe I left out a word. Or was there somehing else about it that was bothersome?

I think it needs to read, "We met in Delta Force and had been inseparable ever since," or something like that.

Big help. Thanks Varian.

You're most welcome.

 

[jomar]

Well...obviously with a title like Chase Cooder - Bush Pilot!, you've got a sort of running joke going with all the vagina euphemisms. So we've got Snapper Lake, the Busy Beaver tour, and we get this schtick between Chase and, ahem, Willy:

"...hey, don't you go thinking I haven't been in and out of that Beaver several times a day, though," Chase said with a wink.

"Still giving the Beaver a workout, eh?" ,

etc., etc.

Personally, I find those kinds of running gags a bit irksome. But hey, I loathe Monty Python and Woody Allen, so it's not like my taste in these matters is the kiss of death.

My initial idea for Lit was to have something way, way over the top, including the names - there's also Box, Dirk Peccer, Zizi, and Tarse. It got toned down as it went, but the names stayed.

I think it needs to read, "We met in Delta Force and had been inseparable ever since," or something like that.

You're right. I did leave out some words. Not sure how that happened. Thanks.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

WHAT! You mean they could have died! That's great catch. People who have your expertise would have slammed the story. Thanks drkman.

I've been looking for a picture of a Beaver with the PT-6, I would think that the nose would have to be elongated...

 

[jomar]

I've been looking for a picture of a Beaver with the PT-6, I would think that the nose would have to be elongated...

You could be right. Seems like I saw a pic of one, but didn't notice if it was longer. I googled Canadian bush tours, deHavilland Beavers, etc, but don't recall where I saw the updated engine.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

You could be right. Seems like I saw a pic of one, but didn't notice if it was longer. I googled Canadian bush tours, deHavilland Beavers, etc, but don't recall where I saw the updated engine.

Here's the best I could do...

http://www.alaskawestair.com/aircharter/photo/turbine-beaver.jpg

 

[jomar]

Here's the best I could do...

http://www.alaskawestair.com/aircharter/photo/turbine-beaver.jpg

Hmm, looks like your right. I like the looks of the radial engine better. Back to the editing board! Thank you very much.

http://www.aerotraining.com/html_gif/dehavilland_dhc2t.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/CapeCanaveral/Lab/7146/beaver3.jpg

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Credit given where credit is due

Hmm, looks like your right. I like the looks of the radial engine better. Back to the editing board! Thank you very much.

http://www.aerotraining.com/html_gif/dehavilland_dhc2t.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/CapeCanaveral/Lab/7146/beaver3.jpg

I'll take the bite on ediorial errors, but I mentioned to jomar that I didn't know the technical aspects, so those are on him. <grin>

 

[jomar]

I'll take the bite on ediorial errors, but I mentioned to jomar that I didn't know the technical aspects, so those are on him. <grin>

I don't know of any editorial errors. There was a case or two when I didn't delete your complete editorial comments by accident and Teschan caught it - that's were the newfangled "accept" function helps. I also mixed up Anna's and Maureen's name in one chapter - I figure that had to happen on a final tweak. No, you did a great job and I'm accountable for any errors.

I didn't ask you redo everything you thought it didn't work, so feel free to me what I should have done when it's my turn on the SDC.

 

[writelove]

Jomar,

I just read Bush Pilot Chapter 1. I figured that I would start at the beginning to get a feel for it. So perhaps my comments have already been made many times before by someone else.

As your story began, I was taken back in time to when I lived in Southeast Alaska. Stationed out of Sitka, I was part of a small cadre of surveyers for the US Forest Service. We were taken in airplanes just like the one in your story, flown to Baranof Island, dumped on the coast with our supplies. We built a cabin, tents, water tank, all the comforts of home.

I digress. This isn't about the memories of my past but about your story.

I thought the start of the story adequate. I think I might have tried something a bit more intense like the following:

Chase's Beaver belched, coughed, sputtered, then stopped.

Three thousand feet above the ...

Or you might of said something like:

Chase's Beaver belched, coughed, sputtered, then stopped. Chase wasn't some nympho with performance problems. The Beaver was a plane, three thousand feet above ...

Just kidding. Of course with a company name like Busy Beaver Bush Tours any is possible. Lots of plays on the word beaver. I liked it.

Paragraph 1 and 3 had a bit too much telling or perhaps a more appropriate word would be summarizing about both Chase and Parker Dill.

From the fifth paragraph on, I was starting to enter the story.

I had trouble with the following paragraph:

Parker, oblivious to Maureen and Chase, was 15 pounds beyond graceful and clumsily lurched out of the plane. His leather-soled shoe slipped on the wet float and he squawked while scrambling to maintain his balance. His arms waved wildly, hoping to snare a strut, as his right foot plunged into the frigid water.

Squawked was awkward and the last sentence should be refined somewhat.

The following is one sentence/one paragraph. I think it should be broken up.

Maureen looked around the beautiful lobby, taking in the high ceiling and huge chandelier made of antlers, the comfortable brown leather club chairs and upholstered light pine chairs scattered about in cozy conversational arrangements, the colorful loom rugs, the crackling fire in the oversized stone fireplace, the rough hewn oak walls, rustic paintings, and the many large windows that overlooked stunning vistas.

The conversation in the dining room needs work. There should be something discussed perhaps that causes tension, something that will perhaps be significant later. The talk about food didn't move the story anywhere and perhaps should be removed. I thought there might be more talk about the mysterious trio who were briefly mentioned when they arrived.

Nice sex scene.

Overall I liked the story and will try to read the other chapters.

 

[jomar]

Paragraph 1 and 3 had a bit too much telling or perhaps a more appropriate word would be summarizing about both Chase and Parker Dill.

I'll take a look at it.

From the fifth paragraph on, I was starting to enter the story.

I had trouble with the following paragraph:


Squawked was awkward and the last sentence should be refined somewhat.

The following is one sentence/one paragraph. I think it should be broken up.

I'll fix it.

The conversation in the dining room needs work. There should be something discussed perhaps that causes tension, something that will perhaps be significant later. The talk about food didn't move the story anywhere and perhaps should be removed. I thought there might be more talk about the mysterious trio who were briefly mentioned when they arrived.

Nice sex scene.

Overall I liked the story and will try to read the other chapters.

I didn't have them talk about the three guys at dinner because that was just something Chase and Box noticed and didn't seem important enough at the time to talk further about. I'll think on the dinner dialog.

Thanks, writelove. I submitted this story in the Story Discussion Circle and it'll be sacrificed in a couple/few weeks after someone else's story gets a turn. You might want to wait until then, but I'd love to hear what you have to say whenever.