Feedback on a story

[Saint of Fools]

Well I suppose this is the place to look for feedback eh?

Earlier this month I made my first attempt at writing an erotic story and so far I've been pleased with the both the results and the reader feed back. I've recieved no emails except those saying what a good story they thought it was and I even held the number one ranked position for a short period on the voting polls.

Regardless I'd like some more feed back on my story for two reasons.

1. I'd like to improve my writing skills

2. If the feed back is positive it strokes my ego

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43984

Anyways there's the address to the story and make sure to read the disclaimer. I don't think there's anything offensive in the story but some people dont like to read certain things.

 

[Chicklet]

Well, *I'm* impressed

Hey there,

I didn't have time to read the entire story right now, but I did get through the first page. I definatly plan to go back and finish it later, it sure has me interested enough! I think that you're story telling is very good, I like the way it's flowing. The only thing that I can think to suggest is that some of the sentances seem to be going around in circles, they feel like they're run-ons, maybe you could improve in the future by using a few more coma's, and you should never be afraid to use shorter sentances. Well, of course, look who's talking! For instance, though:
Damn I hate it when that happens because it is almost like pulling on a locked bathroom stall and for some reason it always freaks me out when someone pulls on the door to the bathroom stall I'm in. Doesn't matter if it's locked or not, it still freaks me out so I can only imagine what other people think.
I did like the image that this brought up, the frustration your character was obviously feeling, and the embarassment. The first sentance just seemed to confuse me a little bit. Maybe I'm a moron = )
But anyway, ego stroking time, it is an excellent read, I'll be giving it a "5" and probably be coming back to it to read again some lonely night.

Chicklet

 

[Impetus]

I'll give some specific feedback:

As I reached the first booth I pulled on the door only to find it locked. Damn I hate it when that happens because it is almost like pulling on a locked bathroom stall and for some reason it always freaks me out when someone pulls on the door to the bathroom stall I'm in. Doesn't matter if it's locked or not, it still freaks me out so I can only imagine what other people think.

This section is much more wordy and run-on-sentence-y than it needs to be.

“Well I have to agree that the room is indeed occupied though I have to disagree about you not needing help. You seem to be quite stuck hanging there and what’s more I think you need to be taught a lesson. Such a naughty boy to be coming in here and playing with yourself. Now what are we going to do with a naughty boy like yourself?", she taunted in playful tone.

I thought this part came on a little too strong. It's pretty obvious, due to the fact that this is a fetish story, that this guy is eventually going to find a mistress, but to have her walk in like that and simply announce her intensions seems a bit heavy-handed.

...or you can agree to place yourself in my hands and in my control by simply saying "Yes Mistress".

I really like this part, it adds some real tension.

"Ahh hell with it", I thought, "It's not everyday that something like this happens."

This makes the decision anticlamatic, given the tense nature of the situation. He's hanging in a latex suit, for crying out loud.

I really like the description of the way she uses her mouth on him at the top of page two. Good writing.

Yes that’s right slave, I quit moving my finger as soon as we started talking but you continue to fuck yourself on my hand like a slut in heat.

Well, for one, it should be: "Yes, that's right, slave,..." but I just think this little trick is a little to derived. Neat as the idea of him fucking himself on her finger is, I, personally, thought it came across a little forced.

Overall, a nice story. It was really fun to read, even though it wasn't my favorite genre. Good work there.

-I

 

[Saint of Fools]

Thank you both for you feed back and you're both right.

I had identified the sections you both mentioned as areas that were cumbersome or were rushed through but even after letting the story sit for a week I had no idea how to fix them. I probably should have found an editor I suppose.

Thank you both for your helpful feedback and if anyone else has any critiques or suggestions then please speak up. As I've said before this is my first attempt at a complete story of this nature so any and all suggestions will be helpful for future submissions.