Feedback on a story continuation

[Choices101]

After all the positive feedback from peoples comments in the first series, A Stalker Vs A Serial Killer i decided to bring the characters back for a second follow up series.

Trying to perfect my story telling and story flow so feedback would be greatly appreciated. I know there are a few spelling and grammar errors i may have missed, i am looking more for comments and feedback on characters, story arches ect ect.

Anyone intrested?

Thank you!

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-stalker-vs-a-serial-killer-02-ch-01

 

[KayceeCharles]

Quick Reactions

1) The background was interesting, but NOT NECESSARY. You can spread out the details little by little in the story itself, or write a prologue, but we don't need a wall of text right at the beginning.

2) The sex was... uninspired.

3) Spelling and grammar mistakes "it was almost more then she could bare". That's TWO mistakes in that sentence alone. And you're missing commas all over the place.

4) What the heck is "you may soon be ready for the purple"? Perhaps you mean "purpose"?

5) A ram can't break down a steel door. Maybe rammed by a vehicle?

6) Deniability.

7) What the heck is "ramp" and "above ground"? Are you saying that the compound is built on stilts and the cage is between the stilts?

8) Real arrest would mean taking in EVERYBODY with prison buses. This arrest of just a few perps at ground level is unrealistic.

9) SWAT is all capitalized.

 

[Choices101]

Thank you for the feedback.


The spell and Grammar errors i knew would be there. Though, i didn't realize SWAT was all caps, good to know for the future, thank you!

The two things i am curious if you could offer a bit more insight, as it helps me with the story telling aspect.

I meant for the sex to be rather, abrupt because the main characters from the prequel series aren't together but with separate partners. It was meant to show the disassociation of their characters. So, with that said, was there anything specific you found uninspired about the sex?

And the second was the arrest sequence. The metal door was unlatched by "Chase" so the Ram was just for show. So, why in your opinion would they have arrested everyone, when the only crime being committed was by a small group, enclosed in a separate sealed room?

Wouldn't they have no probable cause to arrest all the others on ground level above, as they had no knowledge of the events happening in the "sanctum" below?\

Thank you again for the time you took to even read it. Appreciate it.