Feedback on a new style, please

[desertslave]

Hi all!

I've posted stories before, all at least semi-autobiographical, since I was taught to write what you know.

But lately I've had stories, or at least vignettes, pop into my head that want to be written. Okay, actually they've always popped into my head--music is a huge inspiration for me. I hear a song and it (rightly) tells me a story, and off goes my imagination, making it into more than the lyrics. Himself encouraged me to write them down.

So I wrote the one that just went up today, that kind of poured out of my fingers in an evening. This is very different for me, using lyrics instead of my own experiences. Himself loves it, and he reads at Lit a lot, but he's biased. I'd really appreciate some unbiased critiques. Could it be longer, are details missing, what could make it better, please?

http://www.literotica.com/s/feeling-of-fallin

 

[PennLady]

DS, I think this is quite well-written, although you'll perhaps have to forgive me since I didn't exactly like it. It wasn't terribly erotic, especially for a story in Erotic Couplings, although the sex wasn't really the point, was it?

I know you said it was a vignette, but perhaps developing the characters would help. I didn't like either of them; they came across as immature with this continual push-pull of their relationship. But part of that is that I don't know what led either of them to be the way they are at this point in their lives.

You say, for example, that her friends made her come out with them -- why? Why had she been so withdrawn? Is she a natural introvert? Just broke up with someone? Did someone cheat on her so that she has trust issues? Why was she apparently always driving him away? Conversely, why did he keep coming back? Was he a nice guy that wanted her to get past her problems? Did he like the convenience of a knowing he had a ready booty call?

I don't know him well enough to like him or not, and him fucking on the car didn't help. She seemed to want to be a victim or a drama queen, and that's not appealing either.

However, as I said, it was well-written. The flow and pacing was fine; I think I'm just out of sync with the characters. Plus I don't know the song that inspired it; maybe that would make a difference. Good job, though.

 

[MaxSebastian]

I agree with PL, it's hard to get into the characters in this story, and ultimately that means the reader doesn't really care.

It reads like a country song, and while some of your language is fantastic, it can be a little distracting, and because you've actually cited the original song that inspired the story, someone like me that does not know the song is wondering if some of your more colorful phrases were pulled straight from the song.

But, it's pretty well written other than the fact it slips into present tense at the end, which doesn't seem quite right though you may have intended it to demonstrate an open-ended story.

Ultimately there's too much telling and not enough showing in this story. You've used narrative summary to sketch out most of the story very quickly without giving us the scenes we need to really reveal these characters and what makes them tick.

The biggest thing for me is that you've not really shown us why these two came to love each other (although you provided a nice little "meet-cute", one of the few real scenes in your story) and then why they came to fall out. You've just told us they did.

Another key point for me was your complete lack of character names in this story, which may have been done purposefully (and adds to the idea you've pulled this one direct from a song), but would have been one of the easiest and fastest ways to really produce characters a reader can engage with through the story.

I agree with PL that the eroticism/sex was a little beside the point in this story (you should use it as part of your building of the characters, showing us what amazing chemistry they had, etc), and the car scene was a little rapey for my tastes.

Still, I hope you take this as constructive criticism! It was an interesting story, which did have some great writing and good conflict, offering a fairly gloomy but thought-provoking outlook on life. You should definitely be encouraged to continue pursuing this new direction of yours!

 

[desertslave]

Thank you both so much! I've learned bunches from both of your comments, and they're deeply appreciated.