eversobeautiful
Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2001
- Posts
- 99
I wrote a chair fantasy quickie. It is 680 words. Anyone interested in reading it and giving me feedback on anything from grammar to how they felt after to reading it?
Feedback on a Chair Fantasy Quickie?
- Thread starter eversobeautiful
- Start date
Plus give as much feedback as possible. I would at very least.
G
Guest
Guest
Sure..........
Where's the link to your story? I'd be delighted to read it and tell you what I thought........
I remain,
Where's the link to your story? I'd be delighted to read it and tell you what I thought........
I remain,
Singularity
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2002
- Posts
- 284
Erotic Adventures: The Bedroom Chapter 1
I found and read your story. I liked the 'compactness' of the scene you were creating, where nothing else existed except these two lovers, immersed in each other, who know each other so well. I know I could not write anything this short. My stuff always ends up longer than I originally intended.
Overall, though, the pacing and the flow felt a bit uneven to me. I found I was distracted by a series of things that took me away from the sensual flow you were aiming at.
Here are some examples.
She sat on the bed before him, a smile on her lips. She shuddered with lingering pleasure from her last orgasm. He gently pushed a finger into her swollen vagina and watched as her lips parted in a soundless moan.
I know that you meant the lips on her face parted in a soundless moan, but in the same sentence where he inserts a finger into her pussy (past those other lips), I can't help but stop to reread the sentence to make sure that what I thought you meant was what I actually read.
"With pleasure," he said, before he lowered his head to her mouth, his lips finding hers. His tongue licked her top lip, sucked on her bottom, and then pushed into her mouth, searching and seeking hers. []B]
.... searching and seeking hers. Here again I had to stop and reread to make the connection that the hers' referred to her tongue.
He slammed into her before withdrawing, almost leaving her, she whimpering in protest. His fingers touched her lips as he told her to be quiet – he wasn’t going anywhere. Then he slammed into her again, more violently yet never hurting her. She grabbed for his shoulders, her breath taken away from the sudden force of him. She was not in pain, yet she felt afire. Nothing felt better, however, than this.
The first couple of sentences here doesn't flow well, to me. How about:
He slammed into her again before withdrawing and almost leaving her cunt. She whimpered at his teasing. His fingers touched her lips, silencing her protest. He wasn't going anywhere.
The 'however' in the last sentence jumps out at me. It presumes that she has an alternative she is comparing to the fucking she is enjoying. How about:
Nothing she had ever felt before was better than what he was doing to her, here, right now.
Later, after they had spent themselves against the front of the bed, they lay in the bed, she asleep in Jay’s arms.
The name 'Jay' was a bit jarring here. Up to this point, there are no names. The anonymity of the two characters makes for a "this could be anybody and everbody" feeling. Why introduce 'Jay' here? There are no other reference to names anywhere else, until near the very end. I would prefer to leave them nameless.
Quickly, her eyes grew heated with desire and lust. Her tongue darting out to moisten her lower and top lips.
The 'lower' and 'upper' don't really add anything here. How often does one moisten one lip?
She spread them wide, her vagina open and free to see. She had black pubic hair and pink lips from arousal. []B]
The reference to the color of her hair is distracting to me. It doesn't seem to contribute to the scene you are painting. And aren't all vaginal lips pink (more or less)?
I think if you try reading this aloud (to Jay?) you might be able to 'hear' the story easier than simply reading the words. When an author reads his/her own words, it is too easy to skim over them, since you already know what they say. Your mind sees the picture you are trying to create, instead of listening to the words on the page.
I am looking forward to seeing where Chapter 2 leads Jay and his lover.
I found and read your story. I liked the 'compactness' of the scene you were creating, where nothing else existed except these two lovers, immersed in each other, who know each other so well. I know I could not write anything this short. My stuff always ends up longer than I originally intended.
Overall, though, the pacing and the flow felt a bit uneven to me. I found I was distracted by a series of things that took me away from the sensual flow you were aiming at.
Here are some examples.
She sat on the bed before him, a smile on her lips. She shuddered with lingering pleasure from her last orgasm. He gently pushed a finger into her swollen vagina and watched as her lips parted in a soundless moan.
I know that you meant the lips on her face parted in a soundless moan, but in the same sentence where he inserts a finger into her pussy (past those other lips), I can't help but stop to reread the sentence to make sure that what I thought you meant was what I actually read.
"With pleasure," he said, before he lowered his head to her mouth, his lips finding hers. His tongue licked her top lip, sucked on her bottom, and then pushed into her mouth, searching and seeking hers. []B]
.... searching and seeking hers. Here again I had to stop and reread to make the connection that the hers' referred to her tongue.
He slammed into her before withdrawing, almost leaving her, she whimpering in protest. His fingers touched her lips as he told her to be quiet – he wasn’t going anywhere. Then he slammed into her again, more violently yet never hurting her. She grabbed for his shoulders, her breath taken away from the sudden force of him. She was not in pain, yet she felt afire. Nothing felt better, however, than this.
The first couple of sentences here doesn't flow well, to me. How about:
He slammed into her again before withdrawing and almost leaving her cunt. She whimpered at his teasing. His fingers touched her lips, silencing her protest. He wasn't going anywhere.
The 'however' in the last sentence jumps out at me. It presumes that she has an alternative she is comparing to the fucking she is enjoying. How about:
Nothing she had ever felt before was better than what he was doing to her, here, right now.
Later, after they had spent themselves against the front of the bed, they lay in the bed, she asleep in Jay’s arms.
The name 'Jay' was a bit jarring here. Up to this point, there are no names. The anonymity of the two characters makes for a "this could be anybody and everbody" feeling. Why introduce 'Jay' here? There are no other reference to names anywhere else, until near the very end. I would prefer to leave them nameless.
Quickly, her eyes grew heated with desire and lust. Her tongue darting out to moisten her lower and top lips.
The 'lower' and 'upper' don't really add anything here. How often does one moisten one lip?
She spread them wide, her vagina open and free to see. She had black pubic hair and pink lips from arousal. []B]
The reference to the color of her hair is distracting to me. It doesn't seem to contribute to the scene you are painting. And aren't all vaginal lips pink (more or less)?
I think if you try reading this aloud (to Jay?) you might be able to 'hear' the story easier than simply reading the words. When an author reads his/her own words, it is too easy to skim over them, since you already know what they say. Your mind sees the picture you are trying to create, instead of listening to the words on the page.
I am looking forward to seeing where Chapter 2 leads Jay and his lover.
