Feedback on 1st story. Vegas.

[asiraphale]

Erotic couplings section. Posted March 31 I believe.

https://www.literotica.com/s/vegas-7

Not the first sex story I ever wrote but the first I submitted here.
Would like to hear any feedback. Style of writing. Errors. Good turn on after reading?
Thanks everyone.

 

[NotWise]

Would like to hear any feedback. Style of writing. Errors. Good turn on after reading?
Thanks everyone.

Welcome aboard.

The sex was hot enough and that's probably why your rating from the readers is pretty good. The writing style and some of your writing decisions are unusual.

Building believable characters is one of the major goals in writing, but you never even name the characters, much less give them a background or much of a personality. That's especially true of the woman, who's dialogue may contain nothing more significant than "I'm close." She has no depth and the male character is nearly as shallow.

I'm not a grammarian, but there clearly are a few problems; inconsistent use of tense and missing punctuation to name a couple. The writing style is probably more problematic than actual grammatical errors.

Your sentences are often unnecessarily convoluted. That throws hurdles and stumbling blocks at your readers when you should be making it easy for them to navigate through the story. The problem is further magnified because you repeat certain structures frequently.

Here's an example.

"Pulling some cash out of his wallet he paid for breakfast and they walked to the elevator that led to the upper floors."

and another, a few sentences later.

"Stepping up behind her he wrapped his arms around her midsection and held her."

We've plodded through discussions here before about rewriting other's work, so I'm not going to do it here. If you don't see alternatives to the sentences I quoted then you should probably consult an editor.

Good luck on future efforts.