Was wondering if I could get some feedback on the start of a story I've recently completed.
Am trying to write a female character that is demure and shy without using the words 'demure' and 'shy'.
Anne didn't typically come to Jack's apartment. Not without Jack’s father. She sat pensively on the sofa. It had taken her mustering a lot of courage to come over. She had something she wanted to talk about, and once she had decided to talk about it with him, it hadn't been easy. Always, there had been this reserved aspect about her.
Jack came back with her glass of wine and handed it to her.
"Thank you." She smiled warmly, and he smiled back just as warmly.
"Everything alright?" His voice showed genuine concern. He eased onto the sofa beside her.
She liked his graceful manner. He was holding a glass of red himself, and he had lowered himself to sit beside her and half turned to her in a fluid, effortless way. His easy manner was accentuated by his casual look of worn jeans and a t-shirt.
"Well, yes and no." She sipped from the nice Chardonnay he had given her, wanting any fortification she could get. "I mean, everything's okay in that we're all healthy. But as far as your father and I are concerned, we're still having problems."
"I'm sorry."
"Thanks. But it's gotten worse." Anne sometimes talked with her head lowered and her eyes peering up, but this time she faced further down.
Anne had struggled with whether to have this conversation with Jack or not. She and Jack were so much closer lately than they had ever been. Still, maybe it would have been better to keep it to herself.
She noticed Jack's eyes glimpse to her mouth and then to her ears. When his look returned to her eyes, he gazed deeply. She immediately felt self-conscious. It didn’t matter that she had carefully applied her lipstick, make-up and liner exactly as she wanted, or that she had one of her favorite pairs of earrings in place. She worried anyway. After all, this was Jack.
Once past the worry, she found she liked how he seemed to notice her. Pay such attention to her. He clearly admired the red gloss of her lips, the bright earrings. He just seemed to really appreciate her.
Lately she had made a conscious effort to appreciate him, too. After all, they had become closer in the last few months. They talked more and related better with each other. They were every bit as close as adult friends as they were mother and son.
Anne had to acknowledge to herself that their past difficulties were as much caused by her than anything else.
When Jack was in his high school years, he had been a problem in several ways. His trying alcohol and smoking pot had disappointed her time and again. This had resulted in her emotionally distancing herself from him somewhat. She had a distinct view of what he was capable of, and at the time, she had thought that if he wasn't going to try and achieve what he was capable of, then she wasn't going to emotionally invest as much.
She realized how this may have come off as cold to some, but this had been her own experience with her father. And, it had worked out after all. So too had things with Jack.
Interestingly, it had been Jack's father who had drawn closer to Jack in his teens, and it had eventually worked out just fine. Jack and his father had shared an interest in baseball, and they had both been very pleased when Jack made the college team.
Unfortunately, nagging shoulder problems kept the potential pro draft pick and contract from ever happening. Nonetheless, he still did well academically, and he secured a good job upon graduation.
"Hey," he carefully pulled her focus back. She realized she'd been lost in thought as they just looked to one another. "Worse?"
"Well listen, I don't know if you want to hear all this. I probably should not be talking to you about all this." Her reluctance returned.
"It's okay. I want you to. " He drew just closer. His legs were extended to a table in front of the sofa and they angled toward her.
She drew a deep breath and pushed forward. “He finally came clean night before last. He’s been having an affair. And, it’s been with Jenny Franklin, who’s actually a friend of mine. I’m mortified, Jack.” Her hand went to nervously cover her mouth.
Jack immediately put his glass down, and he leaned to her. His arms wrapped her and brought her into his embrace. “It’s okay.”
She slumped into him and put her arms around him as well. His hand rubbed at her back, and they stayed embraced for several moments. She sighed heavily as they parted.
When they each sat back, she dabbed a finger at her eyes. She saw he was closer than he was before, and she found that reassuring. He put a hand on her knee that was now tilted more in his direction, as his legs remained pointed towards her.
His voice was low and measured when he spoke. “What else did he say?”
“He told me it was a horrible mistake, and he was sorry. He said absolutely nothing more would happen. That it was over. He asked me to forgive him. I don’t know. I’m still so stunned. But, you know how he is. He had to have an answer and had to act like everything was alright.”
“Take your time. Give it a lot of thought. You know?” Jack clearly cared. He was thinking about what was best for her.
“I can’t believe he can just expect me to get right over it. He’s so arrogant. He really is. He tried to pacify me by telling me that this meant I had a ‘pass’. It was condescending, really. I mean, he probably can’t imagine me doing something like that. He’s convinced I wouldn’t.” She bristled as she said it.
He grinned conspiratorially to her. “And?”
She paused and permitted a quick thought to pass. Then, immediately she wondered if maybe she had started blushing a little. Her face seemed somewhat warm having shared this close issue with him. She felt better having done so.
“Oh Jack, I don’t know. It’s hard to think about separating from him. It just is. …At the same time, I have to do something. This is too much. I can’t let this stand.”
“You’d think about fooling around?” Jack appeared to lean even closer and his eyes widened. He didn’t hide his being intrigued.
Her eyes gazed at his for several seconds in silence before she finally spoke up.
“C’mon, no one would be interested in me anymore. Besides, I couldn’t just up and go do something like that. Not with someone I didn’t care about.” Her eyes darted from her glass to his face and back again.
Am trying to write a female character that is demure and shy without using the words 'demure' and 'shy'.
Anne didn't typically come to Jack's apartment. Not without Jack’s father. She sat pensively on the sofa. It had taken her mustering a lot of courage to come over. She had something she wanted to talk about, and once she had decided to talk about it with him, it hadn't been easy. Always, there had been this reserved aspect about her.
Jack came back with her glass of wine and handed it to her.
"Thank you." She smiled warmly, and he smiled back just as warmly.
"Everything alright?" His voice showed genuine concern. He eased onto the sofa beside her.
She liked his graceful manner. He was holding a glass of red himself, and he had lowered himself to sit beside her and half turned to her in a fluid, effortless way. His easy manner was accentuated by his casual look of worn jeans and a t-shirt.
"Well, yes and no." She sipped from the nice Chardonnay he had given her, wanting any fortification she could get. "I mean, everything's okay in that we're all healthy. But as far as your father and I are concerned, we're still having problems."
"I'm sorry."
"Thanks. But it's gotten worse." Anne sometimes talked with her head lowered and her eyes peering up, but this time she faced further down.
Anne had struggled with whether to have this conversation with Jack or not. She and Jack were so much closer lately than they had ever been. Still, maybe it would have been better to keep it to herself.
She noticed Jack's eyes glimpse to her mouth and then to her ears. When his look returned to her eyes, he gazed deeply. She immediately felt self-conscious. It didn’t matter that she had carefully applied her lipstick, make-up and liner exactly as she wanted, or that she had one of her favorite pairs of earrings in place. She worried anyway. After all, this was Jack.
Once past the worry, she found she liked how he seemed to notice her. Pay such attention to her. He clearly admired the red gloss of her lips, the bright earrings. He just seemed to really appreciate her.
Lately she had made a conscious effort to appreciate him, too. After all, they had become closer in the last few months. They talked more and related better with each other. They were every bit as close as adult friends as they were mother and son.
Anne had to acknowledge to herself that their past difficulties were as much caused by her than anything else.
When Jack was in his high school years, he had been a problem in several ways. His trying alcohol and smoking pot had disappointed her time and again. This had resulted in her emotionally distancing herself from him somewhat. She had a distinct view of what he was capable of, and at the time, she had thought that if he wasn't going to try and achieve what he was capable of, then she wasn't going to emotionally invest as much.
She realized how this may have come off as cold to some, but this had been her own experience with her father. And, it had worked out after all. So too had things with Jack.
Interestingly, it had been Jack's father who had drawn closer to Jack in his teens, and it had eventually worked out just fine. Jack and his father had shared an interest in baseball, and they had both been very pleased when Jack made the college team.
Unfortunately, nagging shoulder problems kept the potential pro draft pick and contract from ever happening. Nonetheless, he still did well academically, and he secured a good job upon graduation.
"Hey," he carefully pulled her focus back. She realized she'd been lost in thought as they just looked to one another. "Worse?"
"Well listen, I don't know if you want to hear all this. I probably should not be talking to you about all this." Her reluctance returned.
"It's okay. I want you to. " He drew just closer. His legs were extended to a table in front of the sofa and they angled toward her.
She drew a deep breath and pushed forward. “He finally came clean night before last. He’s been having an affair. And, it’s been with Jenny Franklin, who’s actually a friend of mine. I’m mortified, Jack.” Her hand went to nervously cover her mouth.
Jack immediately put his glass down, and he leaned to her. His arms wrapped her and brought her into his embrace. “It’s okay.”
She slumped into him and put her arms around him as well. His hand rubbed at her back, and they stayed embraced for several moments. She sighed heavily as they parted.
When they each sat back, she dabbed a finger at her eyes. She saw he was closer than he was before, and she found that reassuring. He put a hand on her knee that was now tilted more in his direction, as his legs remained pointed towards her.
His voice was low and measured when he spoke. “What else did he say?”
“He told me it was a horrible mistake, and he was sorry. He said absolutely nothing more would happen. That it was over. He asked me to forgive him. I don’t know. I’m still so stunned. But, you know how he is. He had to have an answer and had to act like everything was alright.”
“Take your time. Give it a lot of thought. You know?” Jack clearly cared. He was thinking about what was best for her.
“I can’t believe he can just expect me to get right over it. He’s so arrogant. He really is. He tried to pacify me by telling me that this meant I had a ‘pass’. It was condescending, really. I mean, he probably can’t imagine me doing something like that. He’s convinced I wouldn’t.” She bristled as she said it.
He grinned conspiratorially to her. “And?”
She paused and permitted a quick thought to pass. Then, immediately she wondered if maybe she had started blushing a little. Her face seemed somewhat warm having shared this close issue with him. She felt better having done so.
“Oh Jack, I don’t know. It’s hard to think about separating from him. It just is. …At the same time, I have to do something. This is too much. I can’t let this stand.”
“You’d think about fooling around?” Jack appeared to lean even closer and his eyes widened. He didn’t hide his being intrigued.
Her eyes gazed at his for several seconds in silence before she finally spoke up.
“C’mon, no one would be interested in me anymore. Besides, I couldn’t just up and go do something like that. Not with someone I didn’t care about.” Her eyes darted from her glass to his face and back again.
