feedback for Victim of the Game series

[grayfox_mgs]

I am currently writing "Victim of the Game". It will take a while to write because it has many different chapters to it. The chapters I have submitted, I would like feedback on. Here are the details of my story, so if you haven't looked at it, this might sound a little interesting.

STORY:
After his last kill as a hitman, Johnny Trapper returns to the Leon Family Mansion to receive his last paycheck, but is seduced by the lady crimelord, Paris Leon, into killing one more person. The target's name is Sara Evans, who has photos incriminating Paris. Meanwhile, two detectives are investigating a murder that implicates the Leon Crime Family, and in the midst of all this, Paris' husband, Campbell Leon, tries to take over the family business.

Note: This sounds kinda weird for a sex story, but I like to write realistic stories, not stories, that when you read them, you think to yourself, how fake is that. There's nothing worse than reading a fake story. It has to sound real.

I am finished with Chapters 1-3. Take a look at them and please give me some feedback.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=238306
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=240814
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=243235

Above are links to chapters 1-3. Enjoy!!!

 

[Guest]

Link?

And perhaps asking rather than ordering feedback would be a plus.

 

[slut_for_hire]

I love it!!!

The stories are not only sexy, but entertaining. Nothing better than a sex story that not only makes sense, but tells a story, which seems realistic. Not some dumb sister-brother incest story that seems so unrealistic. Very enjoyable story.

 

[doll parts85]

I can't read.

 

[bobocity]

Can't buy 'em ...

Sorry, but I don't buy 'em. They seem like a scenario to a porno to me, and that's not what gets me going.

Not to my taste.

Also, there are a few problems with some of the realities. If Art picks up a phone, would his boss really say "It's Chief Kurt Crewe"? Wouldn't he say "It's Crewe" or "McKendrick? It's the chief."

And would a chief call a detective? It's a big city, I'm guessing, since they have "prestigious hotels" and crime lords. So I'm guessing there'd be some layers of bureaucracy.

You move back and forth between "Johnny" and "Trapper" when you refer to the hitman. Why not be consistent?

And I think you have a case of adverbitis. Slowly, violently, quickly, patiently. I think there are over 30 adverbs in chapter 1.

Stephen King says adverbs are the Devil's toys, and I tend to agree. Cut a bunch out.

Sorry to be harsh. This series really didn't light my fire, though.