feedback for these poems

[Guest]

Dream #9
She walked towards me
Her essence piercing the night
Naked temptress, clad in smoke
A rogue lover
She kissed me and drew blood on my neck
She lured me back
To that wicked lair beyond the mountains
And seduced my body and mind
She never spoke
But my dark angel didnt have to
Her wanton desires spoke volumes
And she branded me with her claws

Dream #2
A dead tree gave birth to me
In the blackened ground
Seduced by decay
Enlightened by shame
Rocks and dirt in the womb
A solemn world was to loom
My sins suffocated the veins
And I wore shedding skin
Eyes empty
Replaced with orchids

 

[karmadog]

Her wonton desires spoke volumes

She likes Chinese food and doesn't care who knows it!

 

[Guest]

She likes Chinese food and doesn't care who knows it!

this is the poetry feedback forum, not the comedian wannabe forum.

 

[Guest]

XIII

The glow of lightning enters through a crack in the wall
And illuminates my face
Life happens in synchronicity
Following a mystic design
Destiny's Labyrinth
The number is the dark cloud in my soul
An amorphous beast
Following me and always hungry
For my suspicions
Spiders gather in my shadow
And form a circle
I hear the cicadas outside
And my fears grow like morbid blossoms

 

[Angeline]

Comedians?

Actually De Sade, it sort of *is* the comedians' forum--stick around and read some threads, and you'll see what I mean. And there's no "would be" about kdog--check out his freakin good titles thread--he's pretty damn funny.

There's also some sound advice here on the poeting board, and even when the tenor seems somewhat less than "Hail fellow well met," it's well intentioned. Really.

Now here's a review of Dream #9.

Overall, the piece has potential, but I would recommend some revising. I think poems work best when they transport the reader, and phrasings that I've likely heard before will not have that effect on me so I try, in my poems, to turn things around.

So specifically:

Line 1

Should be toward (the "s" is incorrect grammatically--a mistake loads of people make by the way--I know; I'm an editor in the real world)

She walked is ok but eh--she sounds unearthly, so walking seems pedestrian (no pun intended!)--maybe she floated or skimmed the ground or some such.

Line 2

"essence piercing" does not provide an image I understand because an essence is an insubstantial (corporeally) thing and piercing is a very corporeal act. Again if she is a vampire or some other inhuman, it might grab the reader more to focus on her scent (did she smell like blood--and I do think a scent could "pierce") or her coldness or some similar quality. Any of those would provide an arresting image.

Line 4
How is she rogue? And rogue is a word more typically used in reference to males. Also, I think it would be more in keeping with the tone you seem to want here to use terms that suggest a spooky inhuman being (e.g., an insubstantial lover, a demon lover, etc.) than a word that has more of a "swashbuckling" feel.

Line 5

I would say "from" not "on" "drew blood on" doesn't really work. Then again "drew blood" is overused--maybe something metaphoric like "painted red," "spilt red," or even "painted my blood," "drizzled my blood")

Lines 6-7

You have an enjambment here (line break without a natural pause) that throws off the poem. "She lured me back to that wicked lair" should be on one line." There is, however, a problem with "that." In your usage "that" (which is a relative pronoun) has no antecedent--you have never mentioned a mountain lair before in this piece, so I'd delete "that." You also may want to consider whether "lair" is precise in this line since it is more typically used with (say) an animal spirit--a werewolf maybe?--and thus far your creature doesn't seem to be *that.*

Line 8
I don't think you need "mind and body" here--a seduction--in this context--could not be otherwise. The line would be more powerful without it.

Line 11

Aside from kdog's comment (and it is funny, darnit), "wanton desires" is overkill. "Her desire" would be more effective in an understated way, just as a whisper is more arresting than a shout.

I would also reconsider format in this poem--put some white space around the most important lines to hold your readers' attention.

I hope you find this helpful. It is the sort of review I prefer getting, and what you hear in a typical writing workshop. Feel free to use or not use whatever works for you. If you have any questions or want me to have at revised copy, let me know.

Best regards,
Angeline

 

[Rybka]

Re: Comedians?

Actually De Sade, it sort of *is* the comedians' forum--stick around and read some threads, and you'll see what I mean. And there's no "would be" about kdog--check out his freakin good titles thread--he's pretty damn funny.

There's also some sound advice here on the poeting board, and even when the tenor seems somewhat less than "Hail fellow well met," it's well intentioned. Really.

...

I would also reconsider format in this poem--put some white space around the most important lines to hold your readers' attention.

I hope you find this helpful. It is the sort of review I prefer getting, and what you hear in a typical writing workshop. Feel free to use or not use whatever works for you. If you have any questions or want me to have at revised copy, let me know.

Best regards,
Angeline

YEAH! What she said!
With those suggestions as a start, and a little rearranging, you might end up with something like this:

“Dream #9
She came toward me
Her essence wafting through the night

Sensuous temptress, clad only in smoke
Spectral lover
Kissing me and daubing red my neck
Seducing mind and body
branding me with demon claws

Luring me away
To her wicked lair beyond the mountains
She never spoke
Dark angels never have to
Wanton desires speak volumes”


Just an example. :

Regards,                                 Rybka

ps: K-dog is not the resident “wannabe comedian”. I am!

 

[Guest]

deleted

 

[Rybka]

So why bother asking for feedback?

just want to point out some things-
1. I've been writing since 12 y.o.
2. I revise all my material at least 5 times.
3. I wont change something at a certain point because the message gets blurred or buried.
. . .

So why post here and ask for feedback? If you are looking for an "Admiration Society" you have come to the wrong place. Most of us will always say what they think when asked; even if some say it more genteelly than others. Don't be so defensive.
I suggest you not expose a poem to the public until you can read it objectively. That is, as if it were not your own work.
But keep writing and always remember that it is yourself that you must please first of all.
De gustibus non disputandum.

Regards,                                 Rybka

ps: Re your points #1. & #3. - I must say that it shows.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

just want to point out some things-
1. I've been writing since 12 y.o.
2. I revise all my material at least 5 times.
3. I wont change something at a certain point because the message gets blurred or buried.

1. Most people start writing at 6 or 7, but being a late starter is no excuse to being unable to accept a critique. It's a common misconception to relate 'being able to write' with 'being able to write poetry', but it's no more true than equating 'being able to talk' and 'being able to sing an opera';
2. I won't bother to make a serious revision, but at least note:
...
With my bottle of vodka and self-destruction
...
I don't need pills to be a better man
...
The walls around me can't contain me
...
Won't drown me
...
The spiral isn't any more painful
...
Looking forward for your next four revisions;
3. Uh?

 

[Guest]

I'll post one more poem

 

[Rybka]

my initial reaction to this was "who the *&$%#@ do you think you are?". But alas, it doesnt matter does it?
Some start at 6 or 7? I dont know ANYone who starts that young.
If I seem defensive its because I am very serious about writing and have had nothing but rave reviews. I am able to accept a critique so long as the critic knows that what they say is not necessarily the final word or even the right word. In all brutal honesty, the public cant comprehend certain things so my writings are above most people's heads.

I'll post one more poem, then post in other forums.

How about making the last poem one that has gotten rave reviews elswhere, so we can see what the tall people understand and that we apparently miss.
By the way, you might want to ask those tall folks if they are getting any of the humor that is going over your head.

Pax, Rybka

 

[Angeline]

Oh dear

My dear de sade,

I wrote my first poems at age 6 (about). I've been writing ever since (30+ years). I have degrees in literature and education. I was an English teacher at both the secondary and postsecondary levels. I've been an editor for years--of articles, books, and even poems. People who've published--and I am talking books that get national distribution, at least--accept my edits. My poems are being published.

Frankly, I don't mind if you disagree with what I or anyone else here recommends--I do reviews not because I'm a nice person (although I am), but because I learn and grow from critiquing. You have entirely missed the point though.

And my point, dear fellow, is in fact *not* to pull rank on you, but to try to help you see that I know I need help with my own poems and, when I post drafts of them here--and you should feel free to read those threads though I doubt you will--I am grateful for whatever help I get. The people who I've met here have taught me a great deal.

There's an old saying that the person who thinks he has taught himself everything has a fool for a teacher.

I'll be learning my whole life from everyone, lessons direct and indirect. You should try it.

I met someone at another site recently who raved about the critiques at that site. He said, "Every poem I write gets nothing but praise." If you like, pm me, and I'll send you the url. I think that's where you need to ask for feedback.

 

[Elle_xxoo]

LOL. I'm still laughing at the wonton comment.

But really this post should have been titled "lavish praise that I of course deserve for these poems." rather than "feedback for these poems." You would have save some nice people a lot of wasted time.

 

[Guest]

Re: Oh dear

My dear de sade,
My poems are being published.
And thats supposed to impress me?

I do reviews not because I'm a nice person (although I am), but because I learn and grow from critiquing. You have entirely missed the point though.
oooooooh sting.

There's an old saying that the person who thinks he has taught himself everything has a fool for a teacher.
was that Confucius or Norman Mailer?

I met someone at another site recently who raved about the critiques at that site. He said, "Every poem I write gets nothing but praise." If you like, pm me, and I'll send you the url. I think that's where you need to ask for feedback.

whats with the condescending attitude on this forum?
Just because you have a degree doesnt mean shit to me. I dont care if you are a published author, goodie for you. What anthology books have they appeared in?
Another thing, elle xxoo, I didnt come here looking for " praise". I
just wanted to post my material and if people liked it, great and if not, thats ok too. I'll not waste anymore of your precious time.

Damn, what made you people so bitter?

 

[Elle_xxoo]

too funny

You asked for feedback. You got it. You responded by explaining how long you've been writing and saying you're not interested in changing anything and that you always get rave reviews. In other words, you got the feedback you asked for but it wasn't what you wanted to hear and so you were ungracious about it. Lame. (The Big Mac gets rave reviews by the way. Does that mean it's gourmet food?) Any real writer appreciates honest constructive criticism. It helps you grow. That is, if you're capable of growing.

As far as what's made us so bitter, I would suggest you find yourself a psychology textbook and look up "projection" under ego defense mechanisms.

Thanks for your oh-so-mature PM by the way but I didn't ask for any feedback. You did, remember?

Hint: If you just want people to see your work without giving you feedback, submit your poems to be posted and turn off anonymous feedback or set up your Lit account with a hotmail address you will never look at again.

 

[Guest]

Re: too funny

 

[Elle_xxoo]

Re: Re: too funny

I am a real writer and probably more talented than anyone you've ever met.

Oops, sorry I didn't know. If I'd known that I would have responded entirely differently. Let me try again.

Wow, you're really talented. You should submit your work to major publishers immediately. You'll probably win a Nobel Prize!

 

[Angeline]

Thanks Elle

and De Sade? Thanks for yours as well. Good luck with your poems.

Best Regards,
Norman Mailer

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: too funny

Wow, you're really talented. You should submit your work to major publishers immediately. You'll probably win a Nobel Prize!

its about damn time. Actually, I have submitted my work and some of it HAS been published so I guess I am talented despite what some think.
I see it this way, give me something constructive and I wont be hostile. Another poem on its way....

 

[Rybka]

Waiting for Last Poem

OH NO, A BARB!! I am a real writer and probably more talented than anyone you've ever met.

You are lucky to have such a turtle shell for your ego. You will need it when you meet the real world. Continue on and get your BA. It is a minimum needed today. There are many here who have degrees (As if they mean anything in the realm of poetry.) far beyond a basic college degree, and please remember that this is a site primarily dedicated to "dirty poems". That should say something about our predilections and competence to adequately judge poems of such "classic" quality. - Of course you haven’t heard yet from our more critical regular posters (except maybe me, but I am just a small fish, not of the stature of smithpeter nor Senna Jawa.). Be glad and be gone, if you must. Your attitude and writings indicates you will gain nothing nor contribute anything of worth here.
Good wishes and good luck in all sincerity.


Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[Guest]

*inspired by a real event

GRAVE (April 29)
I saw a one year old boy
Playing on a grave
He put a dandelion on it
The grave had gold flowering and lettering
It read Miller
The boy didnt know the dea
Beneath him
It was just a place to play
He didnt know the meaning of death
Some kind of abstract thing
That carries no weight
Until you get older

 

[Guest]

Re: Waiting for Last Poem

You are lucky to have such a turtle shell for your ego. Your attitude and writings indicates you will gain nothing nor contribute anything of worth here.
Good wishes and good luck in all sincerity.

you are extremely judgemental. You know nothing about me yet you feel the need to pigeonhole me into a category. How safe.
Do you treat everyone with such contempt?

 

[Rybka]

Re: Re: Waiting for Last Poem

you are extremely judgemental. You know nothing about me yet you feel the need to pigeonhole me into a category. How safe.
Do you treat everyone with such contempt?

(judgemental = judgmental) No, only those who quote out of context and don’t even have the courtesy to use an ellipsis.

It is Saturday evening, why aren’t you out socializing during your last semester of college? Why are you bothering to post here to us “old folks” who can’t appreciate your poems? Doesn’t anyone you know care about you enough to spend some time with you? If not, I bless you and wish you well.


Regards,                                 Rybka

ps: Was that last post Grave an “all rave” poem? Do want comments/critique or editing? (It does require at least the latter.)

 

[Angeline]

us “old folks”

Now you're in trouble, fishie!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Now you're in trouble, fishie!

Yeah, I still have a whole hour left before that.