feedback for the start of my story.

[zex95966]

it isn't finished yet but i was wondering how this sounds so far. it is my very first time to write, though i have been a long time reader.

this is just the intro nothing hot.... yet.

It was bright.

That was Sebastian’s first thought as the sunlight filtered through the dark blue curtains of his Hotel window. The curtains were partway open, and the sun had managed to find the perfect spot to shine directly in his face.
Bah. Such was life.
Sebastian groggily lifted himself off the bed and made for the bathroom. As he passed the mirror he checked himself out a little. A pale man with black hair and gray eyes stared back. Sebastian kept himself in shape. After all he had to; working for the Army.
The mirror showed slightly defined muscles on a 134 pound man and standing around 5’7. Sebastian was wearing gray boxers and a pair of socks he had forgotten to take off in his haste to get to sleep. He was tired last night; it was a hard day of training in airborne school. The previous day he had, had to do Barrel-rolls over some rocks, right after eating breakfast of course and after that he ran 4 miles in formation with the rest of his platoon.
Now it was the Weekend.

Today he got to meet with his childhood friend Katie. He never thought of Katie as anything more than a friend not that she didn’t have the looks. It was just that as kids he never thought of her in that way and though he saw Katie everyday back in school when he grew up he had been looking everywhere but in front of him so to speak.
Things were about to change.


It was Dark.
That was Katie’s first thought as she stepped into her basement. She never liked the basement, it was dusty and creepy. She had to clean it though; she planned to move to the city soon to chase her dreams of being a Veterinarian. Her job as a waitress was not part of those dreams.
She had finished cleaning upstairs. Of course moving wasn’t the only reason for her cleaning, Sebastian was coming over today. She didn’t want to look like some sort of slob. Sebastian was a good friend, for as long as she could remember he had been there for her when times were good as well as when times were tough. When they were kids she would roughhouse with him a little. She smiled at the thought.

Of course Sebastian was just a friend to Katie, like Sebastian she never thought of him as anything more.
Things were about to change.


After showering, Sebastian snatched his clothes grabbed his wallet and locked the door to his hotel room. He had rented it for the weekend so he had plenty of time to come back later.
It was warm so Sebastian was wearing his beige army shirt and some military pants with beige boots. Of course he had on his dog tags as well. Sebastian never had bought a car, the military provided him with transportation when they needed to and when Sebastian had gone into the army he had been 18 and hadn’t bought one yet. That is why he called a taxi. He gave the directions to the elderly cab driver and half an hour later and less money than he started with today, he arrived at Katie’s house.


KNOCK.KNOCK.KNOCK.
Katie had just finished showering. In fact she wasn’t even dressed yet. Knowing who it was, she hastily dried herself off and threw on some clothes.
DING-DONG!
The bell this time.
“I’m coming!” Katie yelled frantically as she rushed downstairs.
Sebastian stood on Katie’s porch waiting. He wasn’t impatient though, the only reason he rang the bell was to make sure she had heard him. Katie’s house was bigger than he had expected it to be. It stood at 2 stories and was white with green windows. He knew that she worked as a waitress though things could have changed since he saw her last.
The door opened and there stood Katie. Sebastian saw that she looked wet or possibly sweaty and was breathing a little heavier than usual. Her hair was slightly disheveled and her clothes seemed ruffled. Overall her appearance had a savage, yet sexy look.
Sebastian saw she was wearing a pink top and a pair of equally pink sweats. Her tennis shoes were white as were the laces on them. Her blonde hair matched her almost golden looking eyes.
Sebastian stood a little speechless at first, but quickly recovered and opened his mouth to say something profound.
“Hi.”


Katie took in Sebastian as she opened the door. The man before her wasn’t the Sebastian she had remembered before joining the Army. Sebastian walked with a pride he didn’t have before, and he had muscles now. The beige shirt he wore did not conceal them. His gray eyes wandered over her body briefly and she felt her blood heat.
“Hi.” He had said.
“Hey Sebastian, come on in.” after a pause and as he strolled through the doorway, “It’s good to see you again, I missed you.” She said honestly.
As she turned around Sebastian couldn’t help but notice that her pink sweats did absolutely nothing to hide her figure. It suddenly occurred to Sebastian that while he had been away Katie had been growing up into a devastatingly attractive girl. Her Butt in those pants was a part of that change.
He felt a stirring in his pants and quickly pried his gaze off of it… I mean her.

 

[EldridgeinOO]

It's good, I like it.

The last sentence is awkward though

"He felt a stirring in his pants and quickly pried his gaze off of it… I mean her."

That almost feels like it's breaking the fourth wall, where the third person narrator suddenly gives himself a voice and addresses the audience. If you write it as "He felt a stirring in his pants and quickly pried his gaze off of it... her." it conveys the same idea without the dramatic shift in perspective. Either it's third person, or it's first person. Don't try to do both, it'll just get confusing.


Other than some pedantic grammar stuff, it's good.

Eldridge

 

[zex95966]

thanks, i knew it was wrong. but i didn't know quite how to phrase it the same way without it sounding.. odd

do you (or anyone else) think that i should spend a little more time describing their surroundings and what-not? such as the hotel, the cab, just everywhere in general it feels lacking i think. the reason i didn't include that before was because i wanted a sort of faster feel to the story... not bog them down with details.

but i ask because i'm not sure.

 

[CWatson]

That depends, as you said, on the pace of the story. We'd have to see the whole thing to know. I mean, if there's a lot of talking and dancing around the subject before they consummate, then yes, you need more description. But if basically the next thing they do is start schpoinking...

Also, as a perfectionist, I am obligated to ask you to clean up your formatting and punctuation. Telling a story is like offering someone a ride: when The Reader steps into your vehicle, they want to have confidence that you know what you're doing, and aren't going to send them careening off a cliff or up the side of a mountain or into oncoming traffic. Part of how you reassure them that they're in good hands is by observing due diligence: dot your I's, cross your T's, get your punctuation right, and spend two minutes running a spell-check. It may not seem like much, but it can make a big difference.

 

[mikado2005]

schpoinking? Thats a new one.

My only observation is that you should write what you know. If you are going to put something in the story with which you have no or little personal experience -- research it in depth before you put it in your story.

Case in point: Soldiers do not work for the Army. They are in the Army. It's not Airborne School except on the diploma. It's Jump School. They aren't barrel rolls. They are practice parachute landing falls, or PLFs for short.

Now I could be all wet because I went to Jump School 30 years ago, but i don't think the lingo has changed all that much since then. If you have shiny airborne wings on your chest...my apologies.

I imagine that the references to Jump School were just scene setters to paint your male character and won't be a central part of the story, but sometime details can make the difference between being believable and just another story.

Other than that, you make good use of color and description. The characters are interesting. There is the build of tension as they realize their old friend is all grown up now. It should make for a great story.

 

[zex95966]

indeed i went to Airborne School about 3 years ago.

well i ran the spell check, so my guess is the way I'm phrasing it must sound awkward. but before submitting, I would ask an editor to look it over. (I read the tips and other available information on this site =).

thanks for all your help.

and just to make sure... I AM supposed to use Microsoft Word for this right?