Feedback for 'Tastes of the Sea'

[arvelamaya]

Hi, I'm a new author on literotica and recently put two stories up. They are doing fairly well, but one of them started to drop in rating so I wanted to see what's makes it unappealing to some people. I'm always wanting to improve so any feedback would be great.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=380743

Oh-it's gay male. Just to let those know who prefer not to read that sort.

Thanks!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi, and welcome to this crazy place. I love your imagination and hope you are going to write lots more.

Oh-it's gay male. Just to let those know who prefer not to read that sort.

Thanks!

Don't be shy, this is an erotic story site and most of us are pretty broad minded.

I read both your stories and, I must confess, I enjoyed The Trial much more than Tastes of the Sea. I found the first to have a more easy to follow storyline, with strong emotions and a neatly executed conclusion. The vampire - human conflict and love was well drawn out and had me, at least, hooked to find out whether Ryan and Cern were white hats or black hats.

I found Tastes confusing and lacking in tension. You don't give us simple readers enough explanation. Amon is sometimes apparently human and other times a sea god and the sex seems cold and lacking in passion.

As a general comment, you do need an editor - not because of any typos or spelling issues - but you do have a tendency to get into a bit of a tangle with verbs and agreements. For example, from Tastes;

They shook their head at him,
a shimmer of wetness spilled from his brown eyes
He would leave from this place he had known all his life for a new life
He arrived.

Better as,

They shook their heads at him
a trickle of wetness spilled...
he would leave this place he had known...
He reached/arrived at the beach. [needs an object]

These little things put readers off and are so easy to fix with an edit.

After the critique, I think you're doing great already and will be looking out for more of your stories.

Elle

 

[arvelamaya]

Thank you for the feedback! I really appreciate it. I plan to implement your suggestions in the next story. It really helps. Yeah, I think I rushed in the editing so I'll be careful to be more careful in the next project.

You're right, there is confusion and not much tension in Tastes of the Sea. I was trying to go for pure smut in that one, but I don't think I pulled it off well. Thank you so much. It helps so much to know what I've done wrong so I can fix it.

Thanks for taking the time to read my stories. I'm glad you enjoyed the Trial too!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Now I understand.

No, you don't write smut very well, neither do I, it is more of an art than people think. It needs a stripping away of story - often reality as well - and a concentration on the fundamentals of bodily interreaction (and fluids!) with all five senses fully engaged.

For some really good smut stories, have a look at Boxlicker101's stuff. he seems to get it right with a tad of emotion.

For me, 'Tastes' falls between two stools. There is a great fantasy gay story trying to get out and the narrator keeps slamming the lid down. Why not consider an edit and resubmission?

Elle

 

[arvelamaya]

I'll check out the author and see if I can get some tips. Yeah, I lean to more plot and probably more the romance end of things with a good shag here and there. Practice, practice I need then.

I think I'm finished with Tastes of the Sea for now. I have a lot of projects I want to work on. Tastes of the Sea was originally made for a contest so I'm not currently wanting to edit it, but if I do I think I'll bring in more the story.

Thanks so much. You're really helped me a lot!