Feedback for Succubus Rising

[RedMonkeyButt]

This is the first story I've posted on Lit, and would love more thorough feedback than I'm getting in the comments.

The story is, obviously, Succubus Rising and is under the Erotic Horror genre. It's under my username.

I'm not looking for line-by-line feedback unless that's how you normally roll. Just honest feedback in general.

Thanks in advance.
RMB

 

[RedMonkeyButt]

Bump!

 

[RedMonkeyButt]

Please? *bump*

 

[lovecraft68]

Well EH is not my thing, but clicking on it, you received several very flattering comments, and unless you deleted them I saw no negative remarks.

EH is a fairly tough crowd to please so I would be encouraged by the response. The fact that it was 14 pages and I saw no complaints of length is a telling sign that you did a good job as well.

Although no one here has responded , I would feel good about the effort and definitely keep going.

 

[nicecthulhu]

So you want feedback...

I have to say that I'm impressed. I don't read the longer stories, but this one has me interested. I just managed to finish page 3 and will very likely be coming back to read the rest when I have more time.
Good writing and well-developed characters. You've done a good job with the flow of the story. Dialogue is well done.
I like how you've barely touched on the negative sexual experiences, but still mentioned enough to make it clear it was nasty and we don't want to really know what happened.
I would have liked some hints, however subtle, about the direction of the story or the theme in the first couple of paragraphs. The mention of demons controlling the world (etc.) is a little jarring (interrupts the flow?) later on the first page without something at the beginning.
It's dark, but you've made the reader sympathetic to Jezza. As opposed to, "Alright! What's gonna happen to this stupid slut next?"
I'm not very good at the grammar end of things myself, but nothing about sentence length or repetition of words jumped out at me.
From my own limited experience, the people who read erotic horror here tend to be few in number, but very nice (generous) with their scores and comments.
I'd say you've done a good job and I sincerely intend to read the rest of the story. This would easily be the longest story I've read on this site (by about 10 pages!) and I'm not really a big erotica reader (strangely enough...).
So take my feedback however you want.

 

[RedMonkeyButt]

I actually went back and forth on what to submit this story in because it fits fairly comfortably in a few. Darker end of fantasy, non-human, novel/nevella... but I went with EH because of the torture aspects.

Well EH is not my thing, but clicking on it, you received several very flattering comments, and unless you deleted them I saw no negative remarks.

EH is a fairly tough crowd to please so I would be encouraged by the response. The fact that it was 14 pages and I saw no complaints of length is a telling sign that you did a good job as well.

Although no one here has responded , I would feel good about the effort and definitely keep going.

Thank you. I wouldn't delete them unless they were obviously just bashing the story for the hell of it. Even bad criticism is still criticism, and it's a good thing to have if it's constructive. I actually expected the EH crowd to be a little more harsh, but I've gotten a lot of good feedback on it in the comments.

I have to say that I'm impressed. I don't read the longer stories, but this one has me interested. I just managed to finish page 3 and will very likely be coming back to read the rest when I have more time.
Good writing and well-developed characters. You've done a good job with the flow of the story. Dialogue is well done.
I like how you've barely touched on the negative sexual experiences, but still mentioned enough to make it clear it was nasty and we don't want to really know what happened.
I would have liked some hints, however subtle, about the direction of the story or the theme in the first couple of paragraphs. The mention of demons controlling the world (etc.) is a little jarring (interrupts the flow?) later on the first page without something at the beginning.
It's dark, but you've made the reader sympathetic to Jezza. As opposed to, "Alright! What's gonna happen to this stupid slut next?"
I'm not very good at the grammar end of things myself, but nothing about sentence length or repetition of words jumped out at me.
From my own limited experience, the people who read erotic horror here tend to be few in number, but very nice (generous) with their scores and comments.
I'd say you've done a good job and I sincerely intend to read the rest of the story. This would easily be the longest story I've read on this site (by about 10 pages!) and I'm not really a big erotica reader (strangely enough...).
So take my feedback however you want.

I'm glad I could break you out of your short story cocoon. Just a warning, there are ~55k words on those 14 pages.

As for the word repetition, I hate reading it so I try my best not to write it. It's one of the few things I've taken from Stephen King. His book On Writing made a lot of things clearer for me and my writing got markedly better after that.


Thank you both for your honest feedback and nicecthulhu I hope you are able to finish it and actually like it in the meantime.

 

[Quiet_Nida]

Very nice. One humble little suggestion for the beginning:

get to the good parts sooner! The opening paragraphs were a little boring. Character Development, yeah okay, but streamline it.

i got caught when the guy was holding a knife to tied up Mom. get to that
asap imho.

Great job! enjoyed it.

 

[nicecthulhu]

Well, I'll see how much I can get through tonight. Please remember my feedback is worth exactly what you paid for it!
As for 55 000 words, I'm intrigued. I may stop splitting up my stories into parts; I was afraid people wouldn't read a long, complete story. My longest to date runs 71k+.
As for the later comment from Quiet_Nida, I disagree about getting "to the good parts sooner". You're setting the story up and giving the heroine a sense of normalcy. It wasn't overlong and it was easy reading.

The whole thing about her being a succubus needs some subtle clarification early on. There is a mythology about succubi (and incubi), about them devouring the life force of a human with their touch, but you seem to have gone in a different direction (at least early on). You may want to consider hinting that what is 'commonly known' isn't part of your story so the reader doesn't get confused. (you do deal with this later, but maybe a hint earlier on?)
When Jezza is with Durian and thinks she's only been "in this world less than a week" I was thrown a bit. I thought she was still on Earth. Or did you mean "in this life less than a week"? It wasn't clear.
When she is returned from Asher's the first time, there is no mention of someone seeing her at the door (and seeing her bruising or scars?). It kind of jumped out at me; no one saw her before she got to her room (in this kind of world?). The damage would be hidden from that person as well as it would be from Chaz, I suppose. Bringing up her concern over there being no distraction for Chaz emphasizes it.
The first time Rowan talks to Jezza, she goes on and on. A little back and forth may have made it easier to read.
At the beginning of chapter 9, you repeat that she doesn't know where she is.
In chapter 11, I found it a little confusing regarding who sent her to the shower and who was in the shower until you mentioned Bane by name. There were maybe 3 or 4 paragraphs where I lost track of who was where.
In chapter 21, when Bane leaves and she has sex with Chaz, it might have been worthwhile to mention Chaz's name one or twice during the act. I read it once and then went back to see who she was having sex with. Or maybe I'm just getting tired...

Overall, a good story. You've a great imagination and good skill at figuring out characters and devising backgrounds. The story needs some editing for grammar and spelling.
And when I say it's a good story, I do mean a good STORY. Good plot with sexual elements and sex that make it erotic, but it is a good story first and foremost. You have some writing abilities that I wish I had.