Feedback for new Erotic Horror?

[Krypt_Mistress]

Hi,

I'm a new writer to Lit and I'm wondering if anyone has read either of my newly posted stories and have any comments/opinions on them?


Road Kill

...and...

Aftermath of Innocence


Hope that they have been enjoyed....

xx

 

[violent intimacy]

Hi Krypt Mistress,

I just read Road Kill and I have to say that it is quite a riveting story. I like the conversational tone and pace, and the way you oh so casually describe the violent acts. I can hear the nonchalance in the lead's "voice".

IMO, your use of punctuation/phrasing was a little iffy in some parts. I'm not really picky about this but some of it was slightly jarring so I noticed them more than usual.

Punctuation mistakes like not using a comma before the "and" for the last item in a list. e.g. "Blood lust, the chase, the capture, the torment, the kill, (comma here) and the secret knowledge..."

Some sentences seemed really long and in need of a couple periods or commas. e.g. "I found the hardest part was manoeuvring myself as I discovered to keep that level of tremor through the shaft the car had to be in gear, my left foot slid off the clutch as my right slid on and my hip swung my leg over to the passenger side foot space. "

This sentence is really long and run on. Might be better as something like "I found the hardest part was manoeuvring myself. To keep that level of tremor through the shaft, the car had to be in gear. My left foot slid off the clutch as my right slid on, and I swung my leg over to the passenger side foot space."

The tenses in this line seem mismatched: "A night I am unable to forget, and a night he would never survive."
Suggestion: "A night I am unable to forget, and a night he did not survive."

The way you say "brought myself around" to mean "brought myself to orgasm" also struck me as a little vague and odd. At first, I wasn't sure what you meant but rereading it and seeing the context, I got it. This sounded even more strange to me when you used similar wording ("...as she came around...") to mean that she regained consciousness.

The best thing about your writing is the way you write it. It made me want to keep reading, and I think you paced it well. The minor punctuation glitches did not detract much from the story at all. If I hadn't been reading to give feedback I might not have noticed as many.

 

[Krypt_Mistress]

Thankyou

I know there will be errors, and long sentences is one of my main things that I do wrong. I hadn't spent a lot of time proofing it, only enough so it was able to be read through.

The reason some of the sex scenes might be a bit vague is because originally it was written to be more violent and edgy rather than erotica (which may seem strange in that type of story)

However, thanks again

 

[violent intimacy]

Oh no, I didn't mean the sex scenes themselves were vague. I thought they were well done, especially the one in the car with the gear stick.

I was only referring to the words you used to describe the orgasm, "brought myself around". I've never seen it phrased like that before.



I just read "Aftermath of Innocence" as well. It was good, although I have to say I enjoyed "Road kill" more (something about that conversational tone really kept me reading on that one).

Again, I noticed the run on sentences, extra/missing commas, extra/missing semi-colons, and some odd phrasing here and there. It was more apparent in this story, probably because you wrote it in the third person. Reading from a first person point of view, peculiarities in punctuation and wording didn't seem to matter so much because it was like the person was telling me the story. Speech is never quite as precise.

Absolutely nothing wrong with your creativity though. I've not read many stories of this "type", so I'm not sure if what you wrote is especially original or different. I definitely enjoyed it.

 

[Krypt_Mistress]

I like to think of myself as original

There is more stories on my site. I have 2 pending approval, they weren't approved first time round due to 'under age' but it's just younger character with no age defined who weren't intended to be underage, so hopefully they'll get onto the site. If not, they are on my website.