Feedback for my submission.

[geronimo_appleby]

picked up a one-bomb for Joanna : Mia Cara; i didn't think it was that bad a piece.

i'm hoping it's a revenge tactic 'cos i can be an arse on threads, but if anyone has anything to offer, please do.

feedback sought.

link in sig.

 

[agedmac]

well it was good, a few little things as a fellow 'mature' writer... bemused and nonplussed...used incorrectly a few times, which literally stopped me, wasn't sure what you meant.

The 'extra' in the story...the watcher in the doorway, really not needed, and in fact took away from the story.


Further, if Carla really wanted to show him 'her power' would she have included him in the activity so soon? I think the two women would have made love first and then the wife (correctly in the story) would have been the first one to want him included but it would have taken Carla's permission, don't you think?

Still, not bad; I would have left things a bit more 'unresolved' at the end.....really would it have been 'solved' that easily for him? No, I think he would still have doubts. Yes, like all men, it's different when it's two women cheating. And what about the other man in the story? I don't think we need much detail, but given that it is his brother, doesn't 'he' have some issues in his own head about taking his brother's wife?

Nevertheless, enjoyed it.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

well it was good, a few little things as a fellow 'mature' writer... bemused and nonplussed...used incorrectly a few times, which literally stopped me, wasn't sure what you meant.

The 'extra' in the story...the watcher in the doorway, really not needed, and in fact took away from the story.


Further, if Carla really wanted to show him 'her power' would she have included him in the activity so soon? I think the two women would have made love first and then the wife (correctly in the story) would have been the first one to want him included but it would have taken Carla's permission, don't you think?

Still, not bad; I would have left things a bit more 'unresolved' at the end.....really would it have been 'solved' that easily for him? No, I think he would still have doubts. Yes, like all men, it's different when it's two women cheating. And what about the other man in the story? I don't think we need much detail, but given that it is his brother, doesn't 'he' have some issues in his own head about taking his brother's wife?

Nevertheless, enjoyed it.

thanks for the constructive content there - see the anon PC's on the piece

i did intend to follow this one up with a second part, or mebbe more dependant on how things went. i shoulda made it clear in the title i suppose? that way the 'loose ends' wouldn't be so confusing or seemingly unecessary.

again, thanks for the comments there.