Feedback for my story

[ZinJ]

Hi. I'm writing a story that I have submitted 4 chapters of, so far. Please help with feedback!

https://www.literotica.com/authors/ZinJ/works/stories

 

[ZinJ]

Wow, this is the third place I've tried asking for feedback with no luck. Wonder what I'm doing wrong

 

[Rob_Royale]

Wow, this is the third place I've tried asking for feedback with no luck. Wonder what I'm doing wrong

Nothing. Your stories are in the noncon/reluctance category and not everyone is comfortable there. Also your chapters are very short though seem written fairly well. I'd recommend that you have Laurel delete them at some point and combine them into a longer story or at least longer chapters, that readers can 'sink their teeth into'.

 

[Baztrachian]

Hi. I'm writing a story that I have submitted 4 chapters of, so far. Please help with feedback!

https://www.literotica.com/authors/ZinJ/works/stories

Okay.

1. You have a good story going on here. It's a bit rushed and you could have fleshed out the background of your protagonist but it's a good story. I like it. You have me interested in the protagonist but I'm wondering why she wants to be food for a bunch of sadistic vampires.

2. This would be better if it were one story presented as one work and not in extremely short, one-page chapters. It interferes with the flow of the story to have to click to a new chapter with every single page.

3. Try revising it and presenting it as one work. Your score will be higher. For sure.

 

[ZinJ]

Nothing. Your stories are in the noncon/reluctance category and not everyone is comfortable there. Also your chapters are very short though seem written fairly well. I'd recommend that you have Laurel them at some point and combine them into a longer story or at least longer chapters, that readers can 'sink their teeth into'.

Hehe thanks. I've actually started combining chapters I wrote so the chapters would be longer (originally wrote up to 3 part series that I'm turning into a one part story here).

I stupidly forgot to say here that it was non-con

 

[ZinJ]

Okay.

1. You have a good story going on here. It's a bit rushed and you could have fleshed out the background of your protagonist but it's a good story. I like it. You have me interested in the protagonist but I'm wondering why she wants to be food for a bunch of sadistic vampires.

2. This would be better if it were one story presented as one work and not in extremely short, one-page chapters. It interferes with the flow of the story to have to click to a new chapter with every single page.

3. Try revising it and presenting it as one work. Your score will be higher. For sure.

Thanks! Wonder if I should re-write the chapters and post again

 

[Rob_Royale]

Thanks! Wonder if I should re-write the chapters and post again

Maybe re-editing would be a good idea. I did catch a couple of errors but nothing too bad. Try using a read back function to listen to the story. I catch a ton of mistakes with my ears that my eyes miss.

 

[ZinJ]

Yeah, in process of re-editing + adding more details, but here's the thing: people say it should be multiple pages, and in Word it shows combining certain chapters makes them up around 8-11 pages long. I'm not sure why it only turns into one page when I post here (like chapters 3 and 4: they're - around 11 pages each on Word...)

 

[AlinaX]

One Lit page is about 3750 words. It’s not exact, but is thereabouts.

ETA: You’re over-explaining at the beginning. You don’t need to start a story with history. Start with an image. Allow the details of the world to reveal themselves.

& try to not start every sentence with ‘She’.

 

[ZinJ]

One Lit page is about 3750 words. It’s not exact, but is thereabouts.

ETA: You’re over-explaining at the beginning. You don’t need to start a story with history. Start with an image. Allow the details of the world to reveal themselves.

& try to not start every sentence with ‘She’.

I just now realise how many times I start the sentence with that

 

[darwin1859]

First, your stories are well-rated by those who read them, so I'd take that as an endorsement.

Second, I think you've gotten good advice, but I can add a bit more: You're writing for a niche audience. Vampires are reasonably popular, but I personally skip a story explicitly about vampires (and werecreatures, slimegirls, super heros, etc.). And if you meant this to be a story about something (non-vampiric) where there just happened to be vampires (which I might read) the beginning is very in-your-face about vampires.

Also, I didn't even skim parts 2-4 but each of the first three parts end with her going to sleep (part 4 opens about the next four days being similar). I would be concerned that you have an over-reliance on "days" to structure your story and I'd be concerned about whether this affects the plotting and pacing of your story.

To expand on a comments about the length: people read something like 250 words/minute, so part 1 is four minutes of reading. That's pretty short. I usually estimate one LE page is 3500 words, so all four parts are 9K so that's ~2.5 pages and about 36 minutes of reading. And if you finished a book-length writing, you'd have about 22 parts, which is a lot of parts. There are a fair number of requests in "Looking for a story" for stories on a particular topic and it's not uncommon to request long stories.

 

[Baztrachian]

Thanks! Wonder if I should re-write the chapters and post again

No shame in doing that. Check out my original story "College Money" and then the remake of it.

 

[Baztrachian]

Second, I think you've gotten good advice, but I can add a bit more: You're writing for a niche audience. Vampires are reasonably popular, but I personally skip a story explicitly about vampires (and werecreatures, slimegirls, super heros, etc.). And if you meant this to be a story about something (non-vampiric) where there just happened to be vampires (which I might read) the beginning is very in-your-face about vampires.

Good point. The wonderful TV show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was about Buffy.

 

[ZinJ]

part of new opening:
It had taken her hours to dig this grave and drag her father’s body out here, to bury next to her mother. Evie rubbed sweat off her face, despite the cold air, as the shadows fell over the dirt that covered him.

Her last living relative, gone. She had run out of tears a while ago, now hollow inside. She put a hand over where he lay under the earth, touching her forehead to it as well. The cold breeze brushed past her, making her shiver. She thought she smelled something herbal, feeling a twinge of something in the air, but then it was gone.

Maybe this was it. She should just stay here, unmoving, fading along to join both him and her mother, who had passed around the time when she was born, twenty years ago. There was no one else around her now, since they had taken over their world forty-five years back, obliterating the majority of the human race and enslaving as many of the survivors as they could. There were people they had seen, who had managed to stay free, but not for long. She knew her time will be up soon, too.

‘You need to go on,’ her father had said weakly in his last moments as tears fell down her face. ‘Promise me.’

It killed her to do it, but she promised.

---

I'm kinda hinting at her parents being witches, since they managed to stay hidden longer than most, but Evie doesn't know about any of that (they keep it hidden from her for their own reasons, that become apparent later on)

 

[ZinJ]

Um, this is off topic, but how long does it usually take for Pending story to be published or even sent back? I've re-written this one and trying to get the old chapters deleted too, have waited almost a week now and nothing yet

 

[Rob_Royale]

For a new writer in can take up to two weeks. Laurel examines the work much more closely.

 

[ZinJ]

Now I wonder if it'll be worth it to post link to fictionpress, where I've posted the first 2 chapters, just because I'm impatient

 

[ZinJ]

Another question: if you've read the story, please let me know your thoughts of the plot and characters so far

 

[ZinJ]

bumping this up again as I wait for story deletion/re-edit to go through. what would you rate current first chapter of my story out of 5 stars: https://www.literotica.com/s/pet-22