Feedback for my story (unofficial): Sara

[jeninflorida]

Hello, I would love to get some feedback for my new story. Please be free and honest....as my only goal is to become a better writer!


http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=262161

Thanks

Jen

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thread title edited to clarify.
'pure'
mod

 

[bareman]

Unsure...

Hello jeninflorida...I am unsure as to the type of critique you are after. Are you looking for input as to your storytelling (flow, description, etc.), or are you more interested in the mechanics (corect word usage, punctuation, etc.)?

Please post or PM me to clarify and I will be happy to supply my own humble opinions for you to use as you wish. BTW...I think this is a very hot premise, and has potential for a number of chapters as a continuing saga.

Bareman

 

[jeninflorida]

Hello jeninflorida...I am unsure as to the type of critique you are after. Are you looking for input as to your storytelling (flow, description, etc.), or are you more interested in the mechanics (corect word usage, punctuation, etc.)?

Please post or PM me to clarify and I will be happy to supply my own humble opinions for you to use as you wish. BTW...I think this is a very hot premise, and has potential for a number of chapters as a continuing saga.

Bareman

STorytelling would be a great start, flow, and general thoughts about the story..... grammer and correct word use tie into my poor editing skills...which i need to improve...and i'm working on

 

[Penelope Street]

Now that the discussion is officially unofficial...

Hi Jen,

Do you want to write a real story, or just a happy sex scene?

Assuming the former, I think this story has two major weak points.

First is the point of view. For me, a good heuristic has always been to tell a story from the point of view of the character that changes the most. That's why most d/s tales are told from the submissive's point of view. I think yours might have been more intense if Sara had told the story, even if you are personally inclined to identify with the dominant character(s) instead.

Second, I don't feel any tension or suspense. I'm more interested in what happened before the magic day-- this part:

After exchanging several emails I asked for her phone number. We spend(sic) a couple of weeks talking on the phone, getting to know each other. Sara was very free, telling me her dreams and fantasies and always talking about how she wanted more. That she had been going through the motions of life, but she longed to live. That is when she asked me if she could be my pet.

Sara had just finished college and was very unhappy with her job. We made plans for her to come down for two weeks and if we all agreed that things were working out she would stay longer. All those conversations raced through my mind, as I waited with my husband for her.

I want to see them get to know each other- that way I'll get to know them too. To me the real story is in there somewhere, centering on the moment Sara decides, apparently with some suddenness, to become a submissive.

If you really wanted to write just a sex scene, this story is fine. Your grammar and command of English are better than you are giving yourself credit for. There may have been a few little typos, but nothing that brought my reading to a grinding halt. The characters behave and speak in a believable manner. I didn't have any trouble picturing the action.

Was that the sort of feedback you had in mind?

Take Care,
Penny

 

[jeninflorida]

Hi Jen,

Do you want to write a real story, or just a happy sex scene?

Assuming the former, I think this story has two major weak points.

First is the point of view. For me, a good heuristic has always been to tell a story from the point of view of the character that changes the most. That's why most d/s tales are told from the submissive's point of view. I think yours might have been more intense if Sara had told the story, even if you are personally inclined to identify with the dominant character(s) instead.

Second, I don't feel any tension or suspense. I'm more interested in what happened before the magic day-- this part:

I want to see them get to know each other- that way I'll get to know them too. To me the real story is in there somewhere, centering on the moment Sara decides, apparently with some suddenness, to become a submissive.

If you really wanted to write just a sex scene, this story is fine. Your grammar and command of English are better than you are giving yourself credit for. There may have been a few little typos, but nothing that brought my reading to a grinding halt. The characters behave and speak in a believable manner. I didn't have any trouble picturing the action.

Was that the sort of feedback you had in mind?

Take Care,
Penny

This was Perfect, Penny. Thank you! This gives me something to think about!

Jen

 

[kromen]

Left you a comment and a vote. Quid Quo Pro? My links are in my sig.

 

[sethp]

left you a comment and a vote

I just said it was a great story I did enjoy it. I want you to keep writing. Could have gone deeper into her motives maybe but ...I liked it. would love to have you comment on one of my stories too?

 

[Aleka]

Enjoyed it! Hope to see more of your work!

 

[Bayoububba]

Story reply

Jen, awesome story, you have talent, keep writing!!

 

[PandoraSpox]

That was a lovely and arousing story. There were only a couple of spelling errors. The story flowed well-- I loved it. Please write more! I'd like to know what happens to Sara next.

As for ideas, maybe you could talk more about Sara... what was she thinking, was she experienced at being a submissive, etc.?