Feedback for my story please :)

[rosie1972uk]

I'm also jumping on the bandwagon here and am also after feedback for my very first story.

It's many years since I have practised writing (at least 20) but I wanted to write something that interests me, in a romantic and erotic sence.

Anyway, here is the link.

http://www.literotica.com/s/nursing-my-old-male-friend

Please be very honest with me.... thats how I will grow

Thank you

Rosie

 

[walkingeagle]

I'm also jumping on the bandwagon here and am also after feedback for my very first story.

It's many years since I have practised writing (at least 20) but I wanted to write something that interests me, in a romantic and erotic sence.

Anyway, here is the link.

http://www.literotica.com/s/nursing-my-old-male-friend

Please be very honest with me.... thats how I will grow

Thank you

Rosie

It's a wonderful story! I loved it, you should continue--

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'm also jumping on the bandwagon here and am also after feedback for my very first story.

It's many years since I have practised writing (at least 20) but I wanted to write something that interests me, in a romantic and erotic sence.

Anyway, here is the link.

http://www.literotica.com/s/nursing-my-old-male-friend

Please be very honest with me.... thats how I will grow

Thank you

Rosie

Not my fetish, but generally well-written and I like affectionate stories.

One piece of constructive criticism: watch how you punctuate dialogue. For instance:

"Of course you would" he remarked "But you need your sleep and time alone".

should be one of these:

"Of course you would," he remarked. "But you need your sleep and time alone".

"Of course you would," he remarked, "but you need your sleep and time alone".

 

[Annatartywife]

Loved it

Rosie.
Loved it so far x Was very well described and sensual..not normally my cup of tea LOL (if you pardon my pun), but loved the age difference and the way you wrote the first part x

Keep it up

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Rosie

Lovely, soft erotic story. Well done.

Bramblethorn's comment about dialogue punctuation is something you should look at.

You make a common mistake with dialogue tags. They are often not necessary as the dialogue stands for itself. If not, 'she said, he said' distinguishes the characters if needed. You go way over the top with, 'he answered softly', 'he asked' (there was a question mark in the dialogue), 'I answered him back shyly', 'he said huskily'.

Adverbs, which you are fond of, are best avoided wherever possible. You use three in the dialogue above and I think all should be edited out.

Many, many authors, like you, feel it essential to give us readers a load of backstory before getting into the plot. I think if you had started in the supermarket with the breast milk embarrassment and let the history come out with conversation. Perhaps, "Bill". I knew my breasts were leaking and I was embarrassed to see . . . You can fill in the backstory with dialogue when we are hooked.

After all that, I enjoyed your story a lot. I question whether 'fetish' is better than 'mature' as a cat but, when you finally get going, you write a sexy tale.

Congrats, Elle

 

[rosie1972uk]

Thank you

Thank you very much all of you

It's good to know what I can improve on to make myself a better writer so thank you for letting me know

I can practise on these points and see where that takes me for my next story

 

[sr71plt]

I think Brambleton and Elfin have given you very good advice on your story. I wouldn't worry too much about the adverbs for Literotica publication, though. I think the mainstream goes overboard on slicing these out. The ones such as you've used in the example Elfin posted are a quick short cut for readers when you would have otherwise had to pad the story a lot to show the emotion. Sometimes the quick short cut in erotica is just fine.

 

[rivertamer1000]

I'm also jumping on the bandwagon here and am also after feedback for my very first story.

It's many years since I have practised writing (at least 20) but I wanted to write something that interests me, in a romantic and erotic sence.

Anyway, here is the link.

http://www.literotica.com/s/nursing-my-old-male-friend

Please be very honest with me.... thats how I will grow

Thank you


Thank you for this story, as others have said it is not my normal interest but I got
into the people... How would of thought nice people like sex too!!!!!!

The rest of the advice you are receiving, seems to be to be very good, but I can't speak too much to that... I am a reader, not a writer!!! Good luck keep writing!
:

 

[masterandmargarita]

Great work! I never would have searched for or clicked on a story like this, but I am glad I did. I don't have any feedback, you should just keep writing

 

[gerrynylon]

Hi Rosie, I enjoyed your story immensely. That subject never even entered into my head, before reading about it, but you have certainly perked my curiosity. I found it interesting,sensual and very erotic. Well done and please keep at it, you have a talent.

 

[Addicted2Writing]

hey

......

 

[robertreams]

I'm also jumping on the bandwagon here and am also after feedback for my very first story.

It's many years since I have practised writing (at least 20) but I wanted to write something that interests me, in a romantic and erotic sence.

Anyway, here is the link.

http://www.literotica.com/s/nursing-my-old-male-friend

Please be very honest with me.... thats how I will grow

Thank you

Rosie

I found your suckling scene extremely erotic. I have done this once. There is a similar scene in "To Lie Down With Lions". You have what it takes to be a good writer. Unfortunately you are not there yet. Buck up, don't quit, keep writing. I could have said "buck up and don't quit and keep writing!

On a warm October afternoon in England, I left my house in a small quaint village for a walk to the bus stop, feeling oddly unencumbered because I was not pushing the usual pram. If I start the story “It was an unusually warm October day in England, . .” the reader assumes that's where you are. If you then say "I left my home in the village". . . , one assumes you live there and the village is in England. Your writing is what I call tentative. We are only in the first paragraph and you are already qualifying everything. Did you walk to the bus stop or only start to walk?

Whenever you are at a loss what to do next, you throw in a 'that' or an 'and'. These are the most common errors I see in writing. Here is an example: '. . . our child came first and remained friends. . .”
It sounds as though your child remained friends. Try to use 'and' only to join two equal ideas or words: bread and butter. Strive to make your sentences crisp and concise. There is no sin in writing short sentences.

“I was a little shocked and stayed still. . .” these ideas are not equal, one caused the other. Try: “Shocked, I stayed still.” Or, “Shocked, I was frozen.

“I let out a deep sigh as the milk flowed and he got his rhythm going. My hand reached for his head and I started rocking him against my breast as if he were so precious to me.

He suckled me very well and with passion, and it felt amazing and erotic as we gained pleasure from each other on this lazy sunny afternoon.”

He set up rhythm. I sighed deeply as my milk flowed and flowed into his eager mouth. I grasped his head. Rocking him against my breast. He felt so precious.

He suckled my breast passionately, arousing the same passions in me. We shared pleasure on this lazy summer afternoon.

There are many ways these ideas could be written. Avoid 'amazing', it has become so trite as to be meaningless. Three 'and's in one sentence should send an alarm to you that you are writing run-ons. What this does is tire and bore your reader. Very rarely should you use any word three times in one paragraph. Use participles, gerunds, infinitives to enliven your writing. See the difference here: “He lifted my skirt and entered me roughly from behind” should be: “Tossing my skirt up over my bare ass, he entered. . .”

 

[robertreams]

Rosie: there is nothing at all wrong with well-used, well placed adverbs. They do, after all exist for a good reaason, perhaps she actually did smile 'playfully' maybe her head bobbed on is cock 'rapidly'. I do not get this new trend of using adverbs sparingly. Strunk and White certainly says nothing aout well-placed adverbs. They warn only about creating awkward adverbs, 'tiredly', eg. They see nothing wrong with 'wearily' How the heck else would you say it?

Do two things to greaty increse your skill as a writer. 1) Get a Strunk and White! Read it all the way through, then keep it by your side as you write!
2) try to read through your opus a few days after you have written it. Try to read it as you would another's work, as if you were coming to it not knowing what you will find. Don't make corrections to slow you down the first time through. See if it reads well and makes sense. Each thing you write should be deep read at least three tiimes before you put it out there for others, then submitted to an editor, before pubication. No one should edit his own work. Hope this has been some help,


However, if the dialog is not punctuated clearly, it will be rejected by Lit. My first story was rejected for that reason.

As for 'he said', 'she said' -- one can do many things. If you need to distinguis who is speaking, you canoften use an atribute of your character and/or the character's name . Use any of them only when not to do so would confuse your reader.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Your writing is a tad stilted, even too polite at times. The story is cute, affectionate and soft; I get the impression that you share these qualities. As such, there are times, as a reader, when I almost feel you are asking my permission to write to me. Don't apologize for your words. Bashfulness can be a charming quality in a potential mate, but rarely in a writer. Soft lines do not require a shaky hand.

Regardless, I enjoyed the story. It felt genuine, personal, and sweet without being cloying. A good first start.