feedback for my poor li'l story

[damppanties]

Hi,

I had written a story for the 2003 Valentine's Day contest. It was posted on 8th February and I've received only two pieces of feedback for it. One from my editor who had to comment anyway and another from a person I know. I don't really know if people like it or dislike it. (It's not doing well going by the scores, but not bad either.) The story is definitely unsual. But is it unusually good or unusually bad?

I really don't want the poor thing to feel ignored, so can all the kind-hearted souls out there make it feel good by giving their comments?

Here's the poor, neglected darling:
The Ides of February.

 

[Chicklet]

I hate when I put so much time and effort into a story and no one wants to send feedback on it. I'm sorry your story is suffering, so of course I will give you some comments = )

First off, I liked it a lot! I think that it was excellent. I've found, as you probably have too, that stories without the happy orgasmic ending don't do as well as others on literotica. It's a shame, but it's true. It hasn't stopped me from writing my depressing, unhappy ending, true-to-life stories and I hope it doesn't discourage you from doing so either. I do have a few comments that might help you grab more reads in the future...but you probably don't need them since I know you've gotten the "H" before. Maybe just a few tips...don't take them personally, okay?

The introduction to your story seems weak. There's nothing wrong with it, but it didn't grab me the way it needed to. I can't really explain why...it just seems too perfect, too to-the-point. I know this is what a lot of authors seem to try to achieve but it doesn't make for easy reading.

One of my theories on writing (I have a lot, and most are crap) is that an easy way to grab a reader is dialogue, whether it be in-depth dialogue or just easy conversation. When I was reading your introduction, I wanted to know how your main character reacted around Nadine. Was he awkward? Was he smooth and cool and collected? Did he try to spark interest with her at all? I think that had you put in a little banter between characters sometime within those first few paragraphs, whether to emphasize their introduction or their dance, your story may have grabbed my interest a little more.

After the first sex-scene, the story really made my heart pound. It really grabbed me, it was intense, it was very, very entertaining. After getting through that introduction I wouldn't have been able to click back if I'd wanted to. The problem with a slow introduction is that most readers have short attention spans. If your story doesn't grab them right away, what's to stop them from clicking "back" and finding a story that starts faster like they want? You may have lost some readers there = (

The voyeurism scene is really intense. It's one of the hotter sex-scenes I've read on the site - frankly, I usually skip over them, but this one was really exciting. Thumbs up, dear.

Wow, though, it was an excellent story. Thanks for sharing it with us.

-Chicklet

 

[hiddenself]

My take is decidedly negative.

First off, I found the language problematic from the get-go. The story starts with an awkward first sentence:

...on 12th December?
We can say on December 12th, or on the 12th of December, but "on 12th December"? Ever heard or seen that before?

In the following paragraphs, you repeatedly use both past and past perfect tense, but often incorrectly (seemingly at random).

Her face was flushed from the exertion and she’d smelled of sweat and dust.
This should be "and she smelled..."
Both "flush" and "smell" refer to the same point in time in the past, so the latter cannot be in the past perfect if the former is in the past tense.

Although she lived right across the street from me, the next time I’d met her was...
Again, this should be "the next time I met her." Meeting her did not come before she lived there, therefore the past perfect tense is incorrect.

In contrast, if he had met her before, you'd say: "I had met her once at the library, before her family moved to the place across the street."

After dinner, the four or five youngsters got together and had decided to go to a disco nearby.
Same here: "and decided..."

The rule is:

You are referring to 2 acts, both in the past -- the more remote one is in past perfect, the more recent one is in simple past.
Example: He told me about my keys, after I had spent ten minutes looking for them everywhere.

Sometimes you use inflections ("she'd been wearing", "I'd met") but other times you don't ("I had strolled", "she had smiled"). Strictly speaking, this is not incorrect -- just a matter of syle. But it was very distracting to me when I was encountering both forms in the same paragraph and even in the same sentence.

Through the first few paragraphs, I got no sense about the protags. He works, but how old is he? What is his background? This becomes important for me to follow his (seemingly) sudden obsession with Nadine. She seems younger, but is she one of the "youngsters"? Apparently, since she turns up at the disco... but wait, so does he, so is he a "youngster" too? Anyway, I have no clue about their age difference or anything else about them for that matter. You spend a few paragraphs trying to set up your characters, but I got nothing out of it.

Later on, we find out that Nadine is a college student. Fine. But then comes the business with the roses. He's waiting with roses, the other guy (on a bike, no less!) comes with roses too -- oh, it was all simply too much for me and I gave up at that point.

Chicklet nailed it on the head with her comments on your intro and character built-up. It was simply awfully flat and unispired.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Hey DP,

The sex scenes are awesome, which may be your problem ironically. These really hot scenes may lead to your readers...finishing the job, so to speak and then not reading to the end. If they come back and pick up where they left off the down ending may discourage them from sending feedback as yesterday's orgasm is quickly forgotten.

I thought it was good, life dosen't always have happy endings. It takes some courage to write erotica that dosen't, but I think it shows you to be an exceptional writer when you can take up the challenge of writing something that is erotic and at the same time tragic.

Bravo!

-Colly

 

[damppanties]

Lovely feedback

Chicklet, thanks so much for the comments.

Chicklet says:
The introduction to your story seems weak. There's nothing wrong with it, but it didn't grab me the way it needed to. I can't really explain why...it just seems too perfect, too to-the-point. I know this is what a lot of authors seem to try to achieve but it doesn't make for easy reading.

One of my theories on writing (I have a lot, and most are crap) is that an easy way to grab a reader is dialogue, whether it be in-depth dialogue or just easy conversation. When I was reading your introduction, I wanted to know how your main character reacted around Nadine. Was he awkward? Was he smooth and cool and collected? Did he try to spark interest with her at all? I think that had you put in a little banter between characters sometime within those first few paragraphs, whether to emphasize their introduction or their dance, your story may have grabbed my interest a little more.

When I read this, I went back and read the way the story starts and you're right. It's drab. I had this story in my mind for the absolute longest time and I was debating whether to post it or not. I ultimately decided to but by then I had written this story in my mind about 4-5 times. I'd turned it this way and that and you could say I was over-familiar with it so I wrote it as it was in my mind. I knew everything that was to know about the characters, I just failed to tell it to the reader.

A second thing was probably the POV. I was really in Cole's (the main character) head back there. I wrote it as he would write it. Again, I shuold have thought about how the readers would receive it.

Chicklet says:
The voyeurism scene is really intense. It's one of the hotter sex-scenes I've read on the site - frankly, I usually skip over them, but this one was really exciting. Thumbs up, dear.

A big thank you. Praise from you means a lot.


hiddenself: Thank you for your comments. I agree about the tense and until you pointed it out, I didn't even know I was doing it. The thing is, I talk that way so I guess I wrote it that way.
Character build up, I (unfortunately) agree with that too. As I said earlier, I was too familiar with the characters and simply neglected to give details. Bad me.


Colleen: Thanks too. I was smiling when I read your reason why I didn't get many votes and feedback. I hadn't thought about it that way.
I'm glad you liked it.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Those of us who are habitual offenders (my grammar is awful) should be loath to cast stones. I will leave the really deep critical analysis to people who know what they are talking about, but I am good for off the wall ideas and insights from time to time.

I get enough feedback on my own works from disgruntled readers complaining about too much crap between the "good parts" to know a lot of reader's open your work with matters already in hand, so to speak. If the story has excellent sex (your voyuer scene was top shelf) it's not unreasonable to assume that a lot of them don't make it to the end.

Like Chicklet I have some theories on writing and one of them is you get higher vote totals and feedback when you end a work with a sex scene. It seems to me if a reader finishes the story and is on edge or basking in the afterglow they are a lot more likely to drop you a line than they are if they finish it and are still in the mood for love.

The ending of this work is thought provoking and kind of dark. I am a big believer in Robbin William's theory that God gave men two brains and only enough blood to power one of them at a time. If the little head is in control I think the response to this ending is to close the story and find some more T & A as quickly as the browser allows. Sadly, most of the readership probably dosen't think to go back and pen a note to you after they have taken care of bussiness.

I could be completely mistaken, but I only write F/F works and generally read only F/F. If the scenes were enough to...pique my interest so to speak then I have to assume they were darned hot to people who enjoy F/M.

-Colly

 

[damppanties]

Colleen, thanks for posting again in such detail. What I meant by smiling when I read your reason was just that. I didn't mean I didn't believe it.

I'm sure most of the people here come to get off. Actually more than most. I do know that my story wouldn't appeal to them but I didn't even get any "You're a sick bastard" mails. That's what made me feel so bad.

 

[Chicklet]

Hey DP,

In my original post, before I submitted it, I had a little rant about story placement. Then I got to the end of the story and realised that I didn't really know where your story should go. So, well, I've been thinking about it, and I think your story might qualify better for 'Erotic Horror' - it seems very much to me like a "thriller"

Just an added opinion.

Thanks for your comments about my comments

-Chicklet

 

[damppanties]

story placement

Chicklet,

I had such a time deciding where to put this story. It can fit into 'Exhibitionist and Voyeur', 'Non-Consent' or even 'BDSM' (I thought it would even be kicked into Extreme) - but the whole story isn't about any of these things. I'd heard someone say that if your story doesn't belong anywhere then it goes into Erotic Couplings.

The 'Erotic Horror' category came up after I submitted my story. I think I'll re-submit it there. Thanks for the idea.

Thanks for being so frank about your appreciation after seeing my comments about your comments.

 

[OldnotDead]

sociopaths are tough characters

Hello, DP

Good story, overall and I agree with many of the comments above. The opening needs some help. And the ending . . . well, I think the female insights on what might have happened . . . er . . how do I say this, 'mechanically' with some of your readers, may have left them less than eager to follow up with even voting, much less feedback. <G>

Anyway, I think it is very hard to write a story from the point of view of a sociopath and have it work out well. My only thought here is that if you wanted to completely reorder the settings, you might solve the ending problem as well. Just a suggestion and remember it is exactly worth what you are paying for it <G>

Move the cop interview up higher in the story, even all the way to the beginning. And have the protag tell his story to the cops about seeing Justin and Nadine arrive.

then he can narrate the sex scene that he did NOT tell the cops about. didn't want them to know too much.

then he can narrate his own sex scene, but, depending upon how you handle the cop scene, he can end with his climax and leave the murder 'implied'. It's how a sociopath might want to remember it. This is a person who has a great deal of denial capability built in to do such dark deeds.

OldnotDead
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=135309

 

[Pure]

To the good points of others, I add.....

It's well told, if grammatically odd at times.

It doesn't have the unity of some of your best. Sociopathy doesn't get woven in, early. No clues.

The shift to murder isn't quite prepared.

As a writer, here, you're sometimes at cross purposes; you're trying like a pornster to get to us in the voyeur scene. Grabbing our genitalia. Before that it was kinda romancing us. Then you decide on a flat, "I smothered her" scene and whack us on the side of the head with a two by four.


Admittedly the author is not the narrator, but the author needs to decide what effects she wants to be evoked in the reader.

The sequence, neglected suitor, voyeur, rapist, murderer has to be thought out. The voyeur, for example, should show a bit more than just 'turn on' whack off. That's what any voyeur might do. Rarely does a voyeur turn into a rapist, but if so, you've got to make it plausible. Have him bloody his cock or cum on the cat and throw it out the window, .... get the idea? These kind of things are nicely done in the movie 'Secretary'. Ever read Poe's "The Black Cat"?.... the transition to murderous psychosis.

If a rapist is going to murder, might he be a bit less careful and tender? Maybe he'd put a few dozen clothes pins over her body.
Or utter an unkind word?

Many good things about the story; some excellent sentences. Ya gotta get that 'mind' thing, ya know.... didn't you study to be a psychic?



If you ever saw the old movie or read the book, "The Collector" there is a masterful transition from shy admiring guy to murderer.

Added: Some of my complaints about transitions are another side of what hiddenself and other were complaining about in relation to depth of character and development. If there were more specifics and 'kinks' of character, some of the transitions would see to make better sense.

 

[damppanties]

Re: sociopaths are tough characters

Hello, DP

Anyway, I think it is very hard to write a story from the point of view of a sociopath and have it work out well. My only thought here is that if you wanted to completely reorder the settings, you might solve the ending problem as well. Just a suggestion and remember it is exactly worth what you are paying for it <G>

Move the cop interview up higher in the story, even all the way to the beginning. And have the protag tell his story to the cops about seeing Justin and Nadine arrive.

then he can narrate the sex scene that he did NOT tell the cops about. didn't want them to know too much.

then he can narrate his own sex scene, but, depending upon how you handle the cop scene, he can end with his climax and leave the murder 'implied'. It's how a sociopath might want to remember it. This is a person who has a great deal of denial capability built in to do such dark deeds.

OldnotDead

Thanks for writing. Re-arranging the sequence? I don't know... I don't think it will work, but you've given me something to think about. Maybe I'll try it out.

 

[damppanties]

Psychic? Me? Since when?

To the good points of others, I add.....

It's well told, if grammatically odd at times.

It doesn't have the unity of some of your best. Sociopathy doesn't get woven in, early. No clues.

The shift to murder isn't quite prepared.

But I don't want them to be prepared.

As a writer, here, you're sometimes at cross purposes; you're trying like a pornster to get to us in the voyeur scene. Grabbing our genitalia. Before that it was kinda romancing us. Then you decide on a flat, "I smothered her" scene and whack us on the side of the head with a two by four.

So do you mean it looks unconnected? Yes, I do realise that I was 'romancing' the reader at first. That's how the character felt toward the female. Then voyeur scene: after I read your comments about making it more in tune with what a sociopath might do (bloody cock, dead cat), I realised I could have shown you how he felt about what was happening. I was too into the sex part.
'Whack us with a two by four' is what I wanted to do.

Admittedly the author is not the narrator, but the author needs to decide what effects she wants to be evoked in the reader.

I agree.

The sequence, neglected suitor, voyeur, rapist, murderer has to be thought out. The voyeur, for example, should show a bit more than just 'turn on' whack off. That's what any voyeur might do. Rarely does a voyeur turn into a rapist, but if so, you've got to make it plausible. Have him bloody his cock or cum on the cat and throw it out the window, .... get the idea? These kind of things are nicely done in the movie 'Secretary'. Ever read Poe's "The Black Cat"?.... the transition to murderous psychosis.

If a rapist is going to murder, might he be a bit less careful and tender? Maybe he'd put a few dozen clothes pins over her body.
Or utter an unkind word?

Pure, I wrote this as a 'revenge' story. The main character thinks he is taking revenge. He is not a voyeur or a rapist or a murderer. Things happen which compel him to do certain other things. How he behaves in that kind of a situation is not typical of other voyeurs, rapists or murderers because he's sick in the head. I conceived him as a gentle guy, you could say chilling or even shy, with almost obsessive feelings for the female. I might not have been able to get that impression across to the reader.
If only she had reciprocated his feelings, he wouldn't have needed to kill her. They'd be happily married after a two year engagement, had 6 kids, 20 grandkids and he'd get her breakfast to her bedside on a tray on anniversaries and special days.
You know, I almost feel sorry for him.

Many good things about the story; some excellent sentences. Ya gotta get that 'mind' thing, ya know.... didn't you study to be a psychic?

Thank you. What mind thing? Who psychic?

If you ever saw the old movie or read the book, "The Collector" there is a masterful transition from shy admiring guy to murderer.

You are going to give me an inferiority complex one of these days with your references to everything under the sun.

Added: Some of my complaints about transitions are another side of what hiddenself and other were complaining about in relation to depth of character and development. If there were more specifics and 'kinks' of character, some of the transitions would see to make better sense.

Depth of character, I agree. I didn't tell you much about them. In relation to your last sentence, I disagree. My character doesn't have any 'kinks' in the beginning of the story.

 

[Pure]

You make some good points, but also listen.

It's a tricky topic, surprising the reader. *Sometimes* there is no preparation. "By the side of the road, a girl was skipping happily. Her dog was running ahead, which always made her laugh. There was an odd sound, like the pffft when a gas stove lights, and when the dog turned in surprise, he couldn't see any girl, just a blackened spot in the grass. He smelled burning and looked up to see a blue saucerlike object disappearing over the horizon."

I guess a writer is allowed that, occasionally in a story. Otherwise, doncha hate it when the girl is tied to the tracks, train coming, no one in sight. then a flying saucer appears and little grey men rescue her. deus ex machina, as they say. annoying to this reader.

The quiet guy with no kinks who becomes a murderer. Well, let's say there have to be a couple 'peculiarities'. In "the collector", the quiet guy is often made fun of at his office where he's a clerk; he obviously doesn't date. he wins a lottery and sets up a country cottage, and has his eye on a pretty art student. he wants to woo her. he kidnaps her and brings her to a 'secure' room in the house, one she can't escape. he brings her art supplies books etc. hopes she'll fall for him and marry him. she pretends to go along, but isn't really interested, she only wants to escape. eventually he sees through it, and attributes it to her snobbishness; and she does try to escape and he kills her; at the end he's going after another girl who's more down to earth.
It all fits together.

The 'mind' thing is showing the reader enough of the 'mind' of the character, either inside or in signs (actions) so that all of what happens, at least in retrospect, makes sense.

J.

 

[backwoods692000]

A dark and frightening look at love?

I'm not going to give you any "helpful hints" regarding what I consider to be your voice. I find some of the advice given in these posts an attempt to make them read all the same. I believe that we all need to follow the general rules of grammer and punctuation, but if you feel that the character would say, "I ain't got no car, no how" then that is the way you right it. What if we all talked with the same voice? What a dismal world this would be.

Now, about your story. I found the tension great, although the motivations of the lead character are frightening and disturbing to me. I didn't find the story enjoyable, but then, that is not necessary for the story to be good and effective.

The only thing I might have done different is extended it. More detailed examination of the preparations. Extend the "love" scene. This is a man who worshipped Nadine. He would make love to her more slowly, with great care and purpose. He would want to prove that he could do more than her current lover. I would also extend the death scene. Again, he is trying to prove something. He is punishing her for her treachery. He doesn't want it to be painful, but I think he wants her to think about what she's done.

 

[Hotcappucino]

A very good story. I liked how the plot turned dark -- sort of caught me by surprise since I anticipated a sappy ending because of the Valentine's Day theme.

One of many nice phrases: ... and I became an instant believer in love at first sight.

Sometimes a little wordy, sometimes the phrasing was a little odd. Thank you, hiddenself, for the lesson on past perfect tense -- it was very informative. I think the mixing of the tenses was part of the odd feeling I got about some of the phrasing.

When I started reading, I first thought the protagonist was a woman and this was going to be a lesbian story. I don't think my foreknowledge of you (as the author) being a woman had much to do with that assumption, but to me, the story sounded like it was being narrated by a woman and not a man. Maybe because it sounded too poetic for a man (at least, the men I know). Then I noticed that some of the phrasing and spelling seemed British, so maybe that's just the way British men speak...

At the end of the story, the poetic phrasing made more sense when Cole began quoting Shakespeare. Did you envision him having an obsession with drama or the theatre and you intentionally made his narration of the story reflect that?

I could certainly relate to Cole. No, not as a killer . I thought you caught his emotions right on: the fear that prevents you from revealing your love to someone, the pain upon finding out the person you love loves another -- very well done.

 

[kuttikkal]

Dear Damppanties,

I liked your writing and the sensitive touch to your narration. You are descriptive and flowing. You could get better rating if you could write from the angle what the reader wantss. What made the story lose its deserving rating is its ending. Cole is young and in love. But the ending made him juvenile and immature, totally overcome by jealousy so forceful to be a murderer. Which makes him no hero. Till he went and made love to her was fine. Killing was a part which really does not add much value to the pleasure of the story. While that may have been what anyone extremely jealous would want to do, but what they would end up to do if they are balanced.

You are indeed a very sensitive, sensuous and simple narrator with extreme capability of captivating your reader. Good indeed. You must keep this effort up.

I wish you all the best.

I haven't read your other stories. I will do it in time.
Till then, good wishes.

Kuttikkal,
from the land of Kamasutra, just as you are.

 

[kuttikkal]

Please read this corrected version.


Dear Damppanties,

I liked your writing and the sensitive touch to your narration. You are descriptive and flowing. You could get better rating if you could write from the angle what the reader wants. What made the story lose its deserving rating is its ending. Cole is young and in love. But the ending made him juvenile and immature, totally overcome by jealousy so forceful to be a murderer. Which makes him no hero. Till he went and made love to her was fine. Killing was a part which really does not add much value to the pleasure of the story. While that may have been what anyone extremely jealous would want to do, but NOT what they would end up doing if they are balanced.

You are indeed a very sensitive, sensuous and simple narrator with extreme capability of captivating your reader. Good indeed. You must keep this effort up.

I wish you all the best.

I haven't read your other stories. I will do it in time.
Till then, good wishes.


From the land of Kamasutra, just as you are.

 

[damppanties]

Re: A dark and frightening look at love?

Now, about your story. I found the tension great, although the motivations of the lead character are frightening and disturbing to me. I didn't find the story enjoyable, but then, that is not necessary for the story to be good and effective.

The only thing I might have done different is extended it. More detailed examination of the preparations. Extend the "love" scene. This is a man who worshipped Nadine. He would make love to her more slowly, with great care and purpose. He would want to prove that he could do more than her current lover. I would also extend the death scene. Again, he is trying to prove something. He is punishing her for her treachery. He doesn't want it to be painful, but I think he wants her to think about what she's done.

Thanks for the remarks and suggestions backwood. They made me feel real good. Some of your suggestions made me feel you got into Cole's head very nicely and that's always a satisfying feedback.

 

[damppanties]

A very good story. I liked how the plot turned dark -- sort of caught me by surprise since I anticipated a sappy ending because of the Valentine's Day theme.

One of many nice phrases: ... and I became an instant believer in love at first sight.

Thank you.

When I started reading, I first thought the protagonist was a woman and this was going to be a lesbian story. I don't think my foreknowledge of you (as the author) being a woman had much to do with that assumption, but to me, the story sounded like it was being narrated by a woman and not a man. Maybe because it sounded too poetic for a man (at least, the men I know). Then I noticed that some of the phrasing and spelling seemed British, so maybe that's just the way British men speak...

At the end of the story, the poetic phrasing made more sense when Cole began quoting Shakespeare. Did you envision him having an obsession with drama or the theatre and you intentionally made his narration of the story reflect that?

He seemed like a woman? Wow. Maybe because he was shy and wouldn't talk about his feelings for Nadine. The poetic phrasing was not intentional. I have no idea I did that.

The Shakespeare was just one of those things I had a tough time deciding whether to keep in or cut out. It was in there because of the title of the story. Did it work or does it look dumb?

I didn't envision the character having an obsession with drama or the theatre but more like an indoor type of a guy who would rather sit home and read than go out with friends.

I could certainly relate to Cole. No, not as a killer . I thought you caught his emotions right on: the fear that prevents you from revealing your love to someone, the pain upon finding out the person you love loves another -- very well done.

That was a lovely compliment. You made my day. {hugs}

 

[damppanties]

Please read this corrected version.


Dear Damppanties,

I liked your writing and the sensitive touch to your narration. You are descriptive and flowing. You could get better rating if you could write from the angle what the reader wants. What made the story lose its deserving rating is its ending. Cole is young and in love. But the ending made him juvenile and immature, totally overcome by jealousy so forceful to be a murderer. Which makes him no hero. Till he went and made love to her was fine. Killing was a part which really does not add much value to the pleasure of the story. While that may have been what anyone extremely jealous would want to do, but NOT what they would end up doing if they are balanced.

You are indeed a very sensitive, sensuous and simple narrator with extreme capability of captivating your reader. Good indeed. You must keep this effort up.

I wish you all the best.

I haven't read your other stories. I will do it in time.
Till then, good wishes.


From the land of Kamasutra, just as you are.

Thanks for all the lovely things you said in there kuttikal.

This story was not an attempt to make the reader feel good or to give him pleasure. I knew that people would have negative emotions at the end of the story. I conceived my character as a soicopath and I wanted to tell it in the way I did. I think the end suits the story. About rating - I thought I'd be forced to swallow 1s and hate mail, but that didn't really happen.

I hope you like my other stories.

Where in India are you from?

Edited to say: kuttikal, I noticed you posted two times because of mistakes in your first post. You could have avoided the second post by clicking on the little button which says "edit" at the bottom right corner of your own post. You can then make changes to your original post. Just being helpful here.

 

[kuttikkal]

Why no reply?

Dear Damppanties,

You had asked me a question, "Where in the 'Land of Kama Sutra' am I from". I said Mumbai. I wanted to know where in 'LoKS' are you?. Please reply.

K

 

[damppanties]

Re: Why no reply?

Dear Damppanties,

You had asked me a question, "Where in the 'Land of Kama Sutra' am I from". I said Mumbai. I wanted to know where in 'LoKS' are you?. Please reply.

K

Oops, sorry. Hyderabad.

 

[falcon29]

Oh, Damp, just ignore them all. It is a great story, even though I NEVER read any of the non-consent, or rape stories. The character development was sufficient.

I think the guy should have 'fessed up, though. His life is over now. He should get what he deserves for what he did. How about a "rape-killer in jail" story?



Oh: BTW, how damp are your panties?

 

[Ms_Kat]

Not bad at all

Damp,


I think you have a very good story overall. Some of the things that have already been pointed out to you do distract a little. As far as grammar goes, I suggest writing it in Word and use the grammar check. It isn't perfect, but it does help a lot. If you need more help, pick up "The Little Brown Handbook" in just about any college bookstore or Barnes & Noble. Believe it or not, little grammar problems can become big blocks for understanding.

I agree that the beginning is a bit flat. However, it also contains a lot of good background information that you don't want to leave out. With short stories, you have to grab the reader quick (novels have a longer time to build interest). Ray Bradbury, one of my favorite authors of all time, once said that when he got stuck, he'd write the words "What do you mean by that?" Then, he'd try and explain a situation that was the basis for the story.

I think you could bring the reader in at the moment of the "big shock" when the narrator sees Nadine with "the other man". That is a very dramatic place to start. The info you have in your intro now could then be done in short flash-backs as he plans his rape. Obviously, since he hides his bag in the bushes hours before he attacks her, there is a plan. The planning could be built up a bit (though you might anger readers looking for a "quick jerk" story), which also gives you a chance to put some pyschic pain in the character. He loves her, but he is going to hurt her, but he isn't going to really hurt her, but he loves her so much he can't let her be with another, etc. I'd let these thoughts echo again when he starts the snuff scene.

It is hard to write a first-person narrative when the character is mentally unbalanced. Edgar Allen Poe did a wonderful job. Check out "The Tell-tale Heart". The narrator takes on his psychosis head-on and dismisses it because he has acute hearing. Your narrator could dismiss the visciousness of his attack because he loves her.

Those are my thoughts, and they are by no means from any sort of professional. I hope you can glean something that helps.

You have a very strong story to tell here. With a little tinkering and some work you could have a real gem.