Feedback for my poem.

[Seattle1120]

I posted this poem a couple of years ago, and then I stopped writing after that. I have since resumed, and discovered this one, and would like to know what you all think.

Thanks!

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=34236

 

[Seattle1120]

bump

 

[WickedEve]

I read most of it. It's a little long. Long poems are fine as long as they hold the reader's interest. This one started losing me after a bit. I think it needs revising, and fortunately there are enough interesting details to work with. If you cut out some of the verbiage, I think you'd have a much improved poem.

 

[Liar]

Hi! I read your poem befor, but was too pressed on time to actually reply with something of any value. But here's my take of it. The theme is cool, the attitude is cool. The actual words...a bit less cool. It's a little bit too straight, sentence and tempo wise, for my tastes. If I were to remove the line breaks, and just type it out as it is spelled, it wil sound like a letter. A really sexy and cool letter, but a personal letter, with it's basic and simple images.

Try finding new ways to say things, some metaphors for what happens. Try breaking up your sentence structures, fuck around with grammar, sounds and rhythms, maybe make it sound more like a rambled monolouge than a carefully constructed letter.

One example of things you can do is to try finding more and stronger rhythm patterns in your language. See what a sentence whould sound like sound-wise, and then try to find words that fits the pattern. Like this:
"I want you to kiss my lips" sounds like "A wanton token, this smile" Roughly similar vowels and consonants, but new words. So they sound nice after each other.

Those things may or may not work in this context, but the point is to experiment and fail until something good emerges.

best o luck

#L