Feedback for my Latest Efforts

[FlyontheWall99]

Okay I've decided to finally post a request for feedback over my latest two part story "Lesbian Heated Showers." If anyone has read it or is interested in lesbian sex stories I'd love to hear what you thought of it.

Obviously I'm not a literary genious so be easy on bad grammar (if you find any) or peculiar mannerisms (which may be just me). I've received some pretty gratifying responses from readers already in, and the story has only be up for two days (Chapter 1 at least).

So here are the links:
Chapter 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=9***5
Chapter 2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=9***6

Any suggestions would be warmly welcomed. I'm currently working on an episodic series which will be lesbian. But after that, and during I'm looking at diversifying my writing base and having a go at some other categories. Namely erotic couplings.

Back to writing ...

Fly ...

PS Sorry about the bad links, try my author's page. For some reason the forum isn't letting me put up the numbers to the story IDs....

 

[Chicklet]

Heated Shower

Okay, both chapters going at once here, because while neither of them had anything wrong with them, they had the same things going on that I disliked.

Like I said, nothing was really *wrong* with your stories - they were pretty much perfect, as far as an amatuer like myself could tell. Spelling was good, grammar was good, stuff was good. It was almost too good.

The names Nikki and Xanthe threw me off- Nikki cause it's a "porn star" name, and Xanthe just because it's very uncommon. I always click back when I get girls with perfect bodies and "supermodel looks" - but that's just me.

Also, the setup is like a bad porn movie. That's not bad, this is sort of a porn site, but again it's just something I don't prefer. I wouldn't have read this story if you hadn't requested feedback because it just wouldn't have been my style.

Okay, so here's probably the only useful thing I have for you. In your dialogue, when you're writing what the characters are saying, you're including a "she said" after everything. You don't need to do that. It's more apparent in Ch. 1 cause there's more dialogue. Check it out:

...winked Nikki...

...replied Leah...

...offered Nikki...

etc etc.

I suggest that in the future you try to keep some of that out - you just don't need it and after a few paragraphs it gets tiring.

Again, though, your story didn't have anything really wrong with it. I can see that the viewers and readers have already been showing their appreciation, congratulations, and you'll do fine = )

-Chicklet

 

[Rainbow Skin]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=99 175 omitting that space: Lesbian Heated Showers Ch. 01

If I was just reading this in New Stories, I'd click Back when I got to
and she was the team star, with the trim taught body of a dedicated athlete. Nikki was the most popular girl on the team, and one of the most popular on the college campus, a real stunner that few guys could resist.

I'm just not interested in reading anything with a non-person like this in it. Which is a pity, because you can write well. And if I hadn't given up then, I certainly would as soon as I came to
her pearly white teeth and flawless face. It was no wonder the guys loved her so much, a hot body with supermodel looks, not to mention she was good at just about everything.

Now this is a real pity that you're turning away readers with this, because apart from that, you have a real flair for good descriptions:


hair which unraveled itself as she pulled her cap and goggles off

A brief cloud of steam and the sounds of trickling water greeted her as she stepped into the middle of the three jets and let the hot water pour

brushing the chlorinated pool water from their

she could see the steam seeping out, obviously she wasn’t alone. She looked briefly in the half fogged mirror to see her pale reflection

The neoprene fabric


Anything that's not involved with their bodies is detailed so well. I know exactly what the shower stalls look like, and I can see the pile of discarded equipment. This is rare, this feeling of surrounding realism.

And as I read (now that I'm volunteering as critic, not having been put off by the perfect bodies), I find that their characters are actually well explored too. I thought the dialogue was a little weak at first, but actually it does build up to give three-dimensional pictures of them, their doubts, their wishes.

Then the sex is good, complex, very hot, not the cliched rubbing and exploding that I would have expected from the initial set-up. You even avoid the body cliches (way too late!) by saying Neither girl was particularly well endowed.

I'm a big advocate of breast size not being mentioned till it's relevant, when they're naked, but if only this could have been near the beginning!

Dammit, now my link's turned into a 9***5 too. Why?? Anyway, I was going to mention that she might have a taught body too, but more likely taut.

Later. The General Board has noticed that the number 9-1-7 is always turned to ***.

 

[FlyontheWall99]

Thanks for the quality feedback guys. I did notice your concerns Rainbow Skin. I guess my major problem in writing is that obviously I see the characters in my head with excellent detail, but sometimes I forget to put it down on paper in that detail for the reader.

It's the old cliche everyone knows what I'm talking about, I don't want to overload the reader with too much detail. If you can believe it in editing I quite often carve off detail out of my stories because I feel the reader would get too bogged down.

I agree with you Chicklet that the conversation needs to be better developed, and I'm really working on that in a new story I'm writing where I think I'm getting a better grasp of the conversation technique. I do overuse the same terms a lot, but I guess it's like a form of writers block with me, where I sit and think what can I use in that situation that would be the equal to or better than the first word that comes to mind ....

Anyway thanks guys for the feedback and I'll try and implement it into my future writing...

Cheers ....

Fly ...