Feedback for my india based story

[sweetdreamssss]

Feedback for my india based story - second part also completed

This time i took help of volunteer editors. The first chapter is more to set the situation and the second part is filled with more details..

https://literotica.com/s/tale-of-two-indian-sisters-pt-01

https://www.literotica.com/s/tale-of-two-indian-sisters-pt-02

 

[LesDesirable]

The backstory becomes somewhat tedious as it unfolds, becoming a telling rather than a showing. A better way might be to have written it as a story within a story rather than as a narration/exposition. You could have filled out the details, developed multiple characters, and captured the reader with the various people and their financial/sexual escapades as well as the various machinations used to get to the "present" you began with in the first paragraphs.

Writing is good enough, the Italics for the entire narration becomes eye tiring on the screen, it was not necessary, simple quotations would have sufficed to indicate he was still speaking to her. You have some word usage and phrasing errors, only one or two of them are significant enough to make a reader stop and go, "huh?" before moving on.

The story could be interesting, but so far, we have quick sex, and exposition to set up future sex and little more.

 

[sweetdreamssss]

The backstory becomes somewhat tedious as it unfolds, becoming a telling rather than a showing. A better way might to have written it as a story within a story rather than as a narration/exposition. You could have filled out the details, developed multiple characters, and captured the reader with the various people and their financial/sexual escapades as well as the various machinations used to get to the "present" you began with in the first paragraphs.

Writing is good enough, the Italics for the entire narration becomes eye tiring on the screen, it was not necessary, simple quotations would have sufficed to indicate he was still speaking to her. You have some word usage and phrasing errors, only one or two of them are significant enough to make a reader stop and go, "huh?" before moving on.

The story could be interesting, but so far, we have quick sex, and exposition to set up future sex and little more.

Thanks for ur feedback,I have written the second part and it needs an editor to polish them better as English is not my first language....I wanted to develop the setting before I could enter the second part with the other sister

 

[Jada59]

The backstory becomes somewhat tedious as it unfolds, becoming a telling rather than a showing. A better way might to have written it as a story within a story rather than as a narration/exposition. You could have filled out the details, developed multiple characters, and captured the reader with the various people and their financial/sexual escapades as well as the various machinations used to get to the "present" you began with in the first paragraphs.

Writing is good enough, the Italics for the entire narration becomes eye tiring on the screen, it was not necessary, simple quotations would have sufficed to indicate he was still speaking to her. You have some word usage and phrasing errors, only one or two of them are significant enough to make a reader stop and go, "huh?" before moving on.

The story could be interesting, but so far, we have quick sex, and exposition to set up future sex and little more.

That was pretty much my thoughts too.

 

[sweetdreamssss]

Please check out thr second part also

https://www.literotica.com/s/tale-of-two-indian-sisters-pt-02