FeedBack For My First Story

[brokenpromises]

Hello All!

I was just wondering if anyone would mind checking out my story and giving me a little bit of feedback about it. Its the only one I've had accepted so far and was wondering if I'm doing alright with it or if I should yanno give up lmao. No I'm just joking. But I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts about it.

Heres a link to it... http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=157499

Thanks ahead of time. Any feedback is wanted even if its bad. Please be kind lol.

~B

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

I read about the first half and skimmed the rest. You have some grammar issues that made the story awkward to read. There are tense issues, wrong words (then for than for example), fragments and repetitions.

There was also very little *show* in the story. The biggest majority of it was telling us what was happening instead of showing us. There was also not much character development.

Granted, if you were going more for stroke than for plot, character development isn't as important. However, the story had the tab A into slot B feel that most *telling* stories have which to me is not a turn on (and I've been guilty of this myself... most authors are at some point or another).

Now, having said all of that, it is not a bad beginning if it's to be considered a rough draft, but it isn't a polished story. I'm trying to help, so I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. All of us have problems with our stories when we get started and some of us still encounter problems even if we are on our 50th.

If you want to go through all the work, I'd suggest finding an editor, revising the story, and resubmitting the final edited version. If you don't want to go through all of that, then I would suggest finding an editor to help with grammar issues for the next story you write. Good luck!

 

[spyro1123]

its nice when you are asking for feedback to put in a very brief description of what your story is about.

I dont realy have very much else to add to the post above. Its not a bad start. I realy do like the start, swimming in the rain is one of the all time great feelings. It is also a sexy setting, but i dont realy get very much "feeling" from the charictars.

 

[lyricalcandy]

It all depends on what you're going for. I'm not going to comment on content because I'm definately no expert on gay male erotica ... but I will say this.

I notice 2 types of stories on Lit ... some are straight to the point stories where it is obvious that it's the authors fantasy put to paper so that he or she, and as many readers as possible can enjoy it .... more than likely with one hand not on the keyboard. Others are really going for plot, character development, depth and all that. Some are in between.

All that goes to say, you had some grammatical errors which are entirely forgivable. You didn't have a whole lot of depth, but that's not an altogether bad thing ... if your goal was to get another guy to grab his cock and go for it ... I'm sure you will acheive that ... but if you want to do more with it, then just spend some more time fantasizing. Think about the characters and their relationships. Think about scenarios they might find themselves in. Add some scenes of sexual tension before the actual sex.

I dunno if it works for other people, but I spend a lot of time (and boy is it fun time) thinking and fantasizing about my stories before I ever write them. I live in the world I've made for my characters and just play around and see what's interesting. So if you're going for the more literary approach, may I suggest this technique? It's a lot of fun!

 

[vargas111]

Too much time passes before we know the gender of the “I.”

”Laying{lying} there, my mind began to wander.”

“If you get my drift.” No, we don’t tell us.

” I started massaging my nine-inch cock” Please! Can we get beyond cock and breast sizes!


Cheers

 

[BlackShanglan]

I love the opening description of the swimming and the rain. This is a real strong point of the story and should be something from which you build as you think about the style of the other elements. For example, think about this description in the opening:

Ever since I was old enough to enjoy it I would go out there alone when it was raining and swim naked in the lake. It was a heavenly experience. I had already been swimming for nearly two hours when I decided to leave the water, laying on a blanket, just enjoying the feel of the rain on my bare skin.

We get physical sensation, emotionally loaded words like "naked" and "bare skin," and the speaker's reaction to the situation.

Now compare it with these descriptions later:

Short dark brown hair, eyes to match, and an excellent body, six pack and all, standing at 6'1.

He was about 6'2, great body, beautiful blue eyes, and short blonde hair.

They are terse and statistical in nature. When describing the lake and swimming, you didn't hurriedly say "the lake was blue, 35 degrees, and it was raining" and then rush on. You lingered and let us know how it felt, moving beyond factual data to a more evocative sense of the place and the activity. Move your character descriptions in that direction. Don't hurry, take some time. Notice too that you describe almost exactly the same basic elements for each character - height, hair color, eye color, body fitness. That reads more like a checklist than a moving sense of what is really interesting and attractive about each character. You'd grip the reader more with one or two elements about each character that stand out - funky smile, goofy haircut, intense eyes, whatever - than the same "stats list" for each. Ditto an penis size; if the only thing interesting was its length, a ruler would be just as much fun.

Also (yes, look out, back in tandem with the hobby horse - this is a pet complaint of mine), narrators who talk about their own perfect bodies tend to sound either unrealistic or incurably vain. You, the author, love the narrator's body, but if he's in love with it himself, he doesn't come across in a very flattering light.

There are some grammar issues here. Mostly, they involve sentence fragments caused by seperating elements with periods instead of commas. For example,

Even more turned on then before, simply because I had been unexpectedly interrupted, I fisted my cock hard. Using my free hand to play with my balls and sometimes letting a finger venture around the ring of my ass.

You could fix the fragment that ends this quotation either by joining it to the former sentence with a comma or by changing "using" to "I used," thereby making a complete sentence. You might want to check a grammar text on the topic of "subordination," which is where you're running into trouble in the first paragraph, last sentence - "although" is a subordinating word and makes what follows it a sentence fragment.

The best friend suddenly appearing was hard to buy. We'd all like the objects of our masturbation fantasies to simply appear when the flesh is rubbed, like the genie from the lamp - but the gratification here is rather too instantaneous. Frankly, I was also a bit peeved with the de-voicing of the other character. He's not allowed to speak (except once, to say exactly what the narrator wants him to say) and he does exactly what the narrator wants him to do. If this is going to be a total fantasy in which the best friend follows the speaker's every wish, it would actually be more charming written as a fantasy and with the admission that the total control of all erotic tensions appears to be part of the narrator's interest. Coupled with that, the sex is a bit "obligatory," by which I mean that it seems to go down a checklist of actions that have to occur rather than really revelling in the pleasure of any one of them. There are some decently stirring moments, but the sex rushes from scene to scene like a porno that is required to get through all of the possible permutations. Again, as with the description of people - go more slowly, enjoy it, linger over the individual details that really bring it home.

Shanglan

(Want to shred something of mine? Of course you do! http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=390104&page=submissions).