Feedback for my breakthrough story please!

[razor_nut]

Hello~
I call this story a breakthrough for me because I really rose the bar on for myself on how I wanted the story to come out. My last published story, though it's holding a rating of 4.29 I felt wasn't as good as I feel I can write. It was more sex story than erotic fiction, and that's where I steered my writing for this story and will work towards in future pieces.
This story is sort of a gauge for that. It's a celeb story featuring Jennifer Love Hewitt and the fictional character Kavan Ballard, a small-time masseur. I avoided that all too typical 'fan meets celeb' story thought there are elements of that awe-struck nature.

Basically all I'm looking for is a vote and general feedback on its structure, flow, and overall enjoyability.

Thank you so much in advance!


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=168467&page=2

 

[Mark James]

Good read!

Hi Razor:

I just read your story and here’s what I thought. This is intended to be constructive feedback, not a critique.

I thought the opening technique of using Kavan’s exploration of Love’s body really gave the reader a feel for the grace, beauty, youth, suppleness and sheer sexuality of Love’s body. I would have like to have seen a little more of the same attention given to Kavan. I didn’t really get a good visual of him, except that he’s young.

I particularly enjoyed the way you delayed the actual sex between the two characters. The technique of delaying while giving the reader a strong visual image of Love had the effect of letting the reader feel Kavan’s sexual excitement build. In a sense, the reader is teased and enticed along with your character.

I thought the chemistry between the two characters was very good. They didn’t seem like cardboard cut outs or stand ins for a standard porno, paint by the numbers kind of thing. They seemed to me to be real people having a real encounter that could possibly happen. Your detail of the table not holding up, along with other ‘real world’ details like them sweating, the smell of their sex filling the room, also draws the reader in, and moved the story out of the realm of the entirely fantastical, to the nearly impossible, but just maybe it could happen.

The desperation you show when Love rips his shirt off usually doesn’t work for me, but because you spent time in the beginning really building the sexual energy between them, by the time she rips his shirt off, the reader is right there with her, so it worked well in this story.

I also thought the detail of noting how Love “talks dirty” is in direct opposition to her public image was very well done because again, it gives the reader more insight into what’s happening and who these people are.

The description of the actual sex was also very good. Sometimes who’s doing what to whom tends to get lost in these stories. The details you used in the sex scenes to describe Love’s body and how hot she is for him were great.

I have one question though, why didn’t you have Kavan come inside her? That seemed kind of odd to me after such a terrific build up. I thought that he would come inside as she was coming after such a long delay in satisfying himself with her.

I also enjoyed the way you had Kavan assert control from the very beginning of the scene. That gave the reader a real sense of anticipation. It made me wonder if he would take advantage of her desperation and make her take him in her mouth or if he would tease her mercilessly before he gave her what she really wanted.


Overall, a good read.

Mark

 

[razor_nut]

Thanks for the critique! Something like that is just what I was looking for.

As for working on the description of my male characters, I feel that's my next step in developing my writing, something I'm already working on in new stories.

As for Kavan not coming inside her, I felt like it wasn't apropriate. My feeling is that coming inside a woman is an intimate act, something I felt wasn't here for this story. Granted, the buildup and sex were awesome but I didn't feel there was enough psychological connection between the characters, and I didn't want that. So thus, no internal cum-bustion. lol

I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and thanks a bunch for the feedback!