Feedback for MatchMaker Bandits

[Maximillian_Excaliber]

Recently I posted the first MatchMaker Bandits novel (The Great Hippocrates Robberies) in five separate parts. This is a re-edit of the original storyline. The plot hasn't changed so if you've already read the original story there's nothing new for you.

Most of my later works have a plot-to-sex ratio of about 85/15.

As such, even though I've been told the erotica in them is good, I wouldn't call them jerk stories. You will discover they many have a somewhat long plot build-up before the main characters end up having sex.

Should you decide to read any of my other works, please keep in mind that I have had problems keeping an editor and many of them were badly edited... by me! Expect to find some errors that, despite my many editing attempts, both I and MS Word's 'Spelling and Grammar Checker' have missed.

If you're looking for jerk stories and don't really like a long plot, my stories aren't for you (you want to just skip to 'the juicy parts' which won't be hard to find.)

Lastly, I apologize in advance for the errors that are still present many of them. Unfortunately, Literotica does not have an editing system that will allow you to re-post the in an edited format without going through the site administrators ever time.

Anyway, please check them out and leave me some feedback.

Thanks,
Maximillian Excaliber

 

[_Lynn_]

I started to read the first one. The note at the beginning, intro, and prologue take close to half the first page. In my experience, the quicker you get into the story, the less chance you have of losing readers.


So then at last I get to chapter one.

1. Dull narrative, lacking in action -- This entire shooting scene reads about as exciting as a phone book. I was looking for . . . more.


All sorts of questions came to me. Here are a few.

1. Why did the guy have a gun next to him?
2. Your character takes a shower, goes into his living room and finds his wife with the other guy. How did they not hear the water running, for example.
3. Why shoot the man, and not just threaten him?


I stopped reading soon after Margo came into the story.

Along with the obvious typos and grammar issues, the part I read should be condensed into a much tighter piece. I'm assuming the rest is similar as well.

Just my opinion.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think Lynn is kind.

I managed to stagger through part 1 and thought - assuming the stuff before the story was cut out - you had a possible story of 2 pages.

We read because we want to know what happens, we care about the characters - I missed that here, sorry.

 

[Maximillian_Excaliber]

I think Lynn is kind.

you had a possible story of 2 pages.

I don't understand this statement. Unless you were looking for a jerk story, were you? Can you please explain to me what you mean by I had a possible story of 2 pages?

Thanks

 

[Maximillian_Excaliber]

I started to read the first one. The note at the beginning, intro, and prologue take close to half the first page. In my experience, the quicker you get into the story, the less chance you have of losing readers.


So then at last I get to chapter one.

1. Dull narrative, lacking in action -- This entire shooting scene reads about as exciting as a phone book. I was looking for . . . more.


All sorts of questions came to me. Here are a few.

1. Why did the guy have a gun next to him?
2. Your character takes a shower, goes into his living room and finds his wife with the other guy. How did they not hear the water running, for example.
3. Why shoot the man, and not just threaten him?


I stopped reading soon after Margo came into the story.

Along with the obvious typos and grammar issues, the part I read should be condensed into a much tighter piece. I'm assuming the rest is similar as well.

Just my opinion.

I understand what you are saying about the long introduction. But as a writer, I'm sure you can understand how important it is to get feedback from readers. It occurred to me that some readers might like to know how we get our ideas sometimes.



"1. Dull narrative, lacking in action -- This entire shooting scene reads about as exciting as a phone book. I was looking for . . . more."

I didn't want the shooting scene to be exciting. I wanted it unexpected and quick . It's supposed to be a love story, not an action movie.




As to your questions:

1. From the story:

“Did you get the full five thousand this time, Baby?” Johnny "King" Muller asked Joyce Collins, his girlfriend, and wife of the unsuspecting Kent Collins as she opened the front side passenger door of her car and got in.

She replied, “Yes, just like you told me.” With a look of concern on her face she asked, “But what if he asks me about it?”

“Fuck him! That will shut him up, then give me a call. I’ll come get you and we’ll take the forty-five grand we've got and blow town with it before he knows you're gone.” He said as he began pulling out of the bank's parking lot. “No let's go back to your place. I want you to blow me while I sit in the sap’s favorite chair. Then I'm going to fuck you silly in his bed. I can't believe that idiot could be home fucking that hot ass of yours all weekend but the moron is working instead.”

"she said to him, “We've never done that before, isn't that risky? What if he comes home and catches us?”

“Don't worry your sweet ass about it. Baby. I'll take care of him if he shows up!” he said menacingly.

---

They are stealing from the man and about to screw in his house. I thought that was obvious. If a man is caring a gun in his pants, the first thing he is likely to do before he gets blown is take it out of his pants before he takes them off. If he just drops them, the gun might go off. Assuming he managed to get blow with his pants on, the bulge in his pocket or small of his back wouldn't be very comfortable. So, it was sitting on the table next to him.


2. From the story:

"I headed from the master bath to the kitchen.

I went through our bedroom, down the hallway and into the living room on my way to the kitchen."

---

Master bath through bedroom and down hallway. That's two doors, three if you count a shower door and how many walls away?


From the story:

"I always enjoyed coming home to my showcase house"

"While I was certainly no millionaire, we both loved having all the conveniences we could afford. Most people would think I was crazy for indulging in such luxuries as having high definition televisions and phones in every room in the house including the bathrooms, but I wanted to enjoy the fruits of my labors"

Did I really have to say the house was big?


3. It's kind of like when someone breaks into your home with a gun. You have to assume they are prepared to use it or else why would they bring it?


I wouldn't assume that the rest of the novel is the same. Each part is effectively a different story.

Thanks for taking the time to leave feedback.

 

[_Lynn_]

I understand what you are saying about the long introduction. But as a writer, I'm sure you can understand how important it is to get feedback from readers. It occurred to me that some readers might like to know how we get our ideas sometimes.
That depends why you're writing. Do you post a story just for feedback?


"1. Dull narrative, lacking in action -- This entire shooting scene reads about as exciting as a phone book. I was looking for . . . more."

I didn't want the shooting scene to be exciting. I wanted it unexpected and quick . It's supposed to be a love story, not an action movie.
So a love story can't have action?

As to your questions:

1. From the story:

“Did you get the full five thousand this time, Baby?” Johnny "King" Muller asked Joyce Collins, his girlfriend, and wife of the unsuspecting Kent Collins as she opened the front side passenger door of her car and got in.

She replied, “Yes, just like you told me.” With a look of concern on her face she asked, “But what if he asks me about it?”

“Fuck him! That will shut him up, then give me a call. I’ll come get you and we’ll take the forty-five grand we've got and blow town with it before he knows you're gone.” He said as he began pulling out of the bank's parking lot. “No let's go back to your place. I want you to blow me while I sit in the sap’s favorite chair. Then I'm going to fuck you silly in his bed. I can't believe that idiot could be home fucking that hot ass of yours all weekend but the moron is working instead.”

"she said to him, “We've never done that before, isn't that risky? What if he comes home and catches us?”

“Don't worry your sweet ass about it. Baby. I'll take care of him if he shows up!” he said menacingly.

---

They are stealing from the man and about to screw in his house. I thought that was obvious. If a man is caring a gun in his pants, the first thing he is likely to do before he gets blown is take it out of his pants before he takes them off. If he just drops them, the gun might go off. Assuming he managed to get blow with his pants on, the bulge in his pocket or small of his back wouldn't be very comfortable. So, it was sitting on the table next to him.
What is obvious to the author doesn't always come through in the story.

2. From the story:

"I headed from the master bath to the kitchen.

I went through our bedroom, down the hallway and into the living room on my way to the kitchen."

---

Master bath through bedroom and down hallway. That's two doors, three if you count a shower door and how many walls away?
So water pipes never make noise? Turning the faucet on never has a sound at all?

From the story:

"I always enjoyed coming home to my showcase house"

"While I was certainly no millionaire, we both loved having all the conveniences we could afford. Most people would think I was crazy for indulging in such luxuries as having high definition televisions and phones in every room in the house including the bathrooms, but I wanted to enjoy the fruits of my labors"

Did I really have to say the house was big? A showcase house can be small and fancy as well.


3. It's kind of like when someone breaks into your home with a gun. You have to assume they are prepared to use it or else why would they bring it?


I wouldn't assume that the rest of the novel is the same. Each part is effectively a different story. Very true, but if I can't get through the first chapter, I for sure won't continue with others.

Thanks for taking the time to leave feedback.

.....

 

[Maximillian_Excaliber]

"That depends why you're writing. Do you post a story just for feedback?"

No. I made the mistake of thinking that feedback would tell me the quality of my work. It took a while for me to figure out that wasn't true at all. I know there are errors and recognize that in my introductions. I also tell the reader that I am not a professional writer. I also know there's room for improvement. But I also know not to take everything peice of feedback as the truth. While ninety percent of the feedback I get is actually very good, there is always one or two people that will either just plain didn't like what I wrote , or have such high standards that they don't find much they really do like. So, I take it with a grain of salt. Extact what's useful and discard the rest.

"So a love story can't have action?"

Not this one. I accomplished what I wanted in the first chapter. Man comes home. Man takes shower. Man gets out of shower. Man goes to get drink and gets shot when he least expected it. No confrontation. No fight. Just surprised and shot.

I have had a vacetomy so I know what it feels like. I choose the caliber of the weapon very carefully so that he would not be mamed only pass out from pain and shock. Granted that the shot was supposed to be one in a million. But then, sometimes that happens in real life. For example: What are the odds that two boys will be playing around with BB guns and one will hit the other directly between the eyes causing pain but no damage? Or that lightening will strike just three feet from you and not even hurt you? I saw both happen. It's supposed to be melo-dramatic, not an action story. Think of it like a soap opera.



"So water pipes never make noise? Turning the faucet on never has a sound at all?"

Of course they do. But if you tell the reader everything, then what's left to the imagination? I assume that the reader is not a stupid idiot and is capable of connecting the dots.

Sure there are some who will read fiction and analyize every sentence looking for logicistal flaws. Remember this, the more you write, the longer it gets. The longer it gets, the more room for errors in plot.

I could inundate the reader with details to the point that they are lost in description but what would that really serve? If anything, it would dig a hole of details in which the 'thinking' reader could find inconsisties I had missed (assuming the didn't get bogged down by the descriptions I wrote). No, I think it's best to keep things relatively simple and assume that the average reader is capable of accepting things at face value. There is a fine line between too much description and too little and it is different from reader to reader.


"A showcase house can be small and fancy as well."

In the end, each part of the novel was supposed to be a short story. I felt it moved slowly enough without dragging it out even more a lot more details. That's where the imagination comes in.

 

[_Lynn_]

"That depends why you're writing. Do you post a story just for feedback?"

No. I made the mistake of thinking that feedback would tell me the quality of my work. It took a while for me to figure out that wasn't true at all. I know there are errors and recognize that in my introductions. I also tell the reader that I am not a professional writer. I also know there's room for improvement. But I also know not to take everything peice of feedback as the truth. While ninety percent of the feedback I get is actually very good, there is always one or two people that will either just plain didn't like what I wrote , or have such high standards that they don't find much they really do like. So, I take it with a grain of salt. Extact what's useful and discard the rest.

"So a love story can't have action?"

Not this one. I accomplished what I wanted in the first chapter. Man comes home. Man takes shower. Man gets out of shower. Man goes to get drink and gets shot when he least expected it. No confrontation. No fight. Just surprised and shot.

I have had a vacetomy so I know what it feels like. I choose the caliber of the weapon very carefully so that he would not be mamed only pass out from pain and shock. Granted that the shot was supposed to be one in a million. But then, sometimes that happens in real life. For example: What are the odds that two boys will be playing around with BB guns and one will hit the other directly between the eyes causing pain but no damage? Or that lightening will strike just three feet from you and not even hurt you? I saw both happen. It's supposed to be melo-dramatic, not an action story. Think of it like a soap opera.



"So water pipes never make noise? Turning the faucet on never has a sound at all?"

Of course they do. But if you tell the reader everything, then what's left to the imagination? I assume that the reader is not a stupid idiot and is capable of connecting the dots. Assume nothing.

Sure there are some who will read fiction and analyize every sentence looking for logicistal flaws. Remember this, the more you write, the longer it gets. The longer it gets, the more room for errors in plot. If you say so.

I could inundate the reader with details to the point that they are lost in description but what would that really serve? If anything, it would dig a hole of details in which the 'thinking' reader could find inconsisties I had missed (assuming the didn't get bogged down by the descriptions I wrote). No, I think it's best to keep things relatively simple and assume that the average reader is capable of accepting things at face value. There is a fine line between too much description and too little and it is different from reader to reader.


"A showcase house can be small and fancy as well."

In the end, each part of the novel was supposed to be a short story. I felt it moved slowly enough without dragging it out even more a lot more details. That's where the imagination comes in.

If you accomplished what you wanted in the first chapter, why ask for feedback here?

 

[Maximillian_Excaliber]

"If you accomplished what you wanted in the first chapter, why ask for feedback here?"

I accomplished, technically, what I wanted with the first chapter. That does not mean that the story is without error or that some things can not be improved. I readily admit that I do not have the technical skills to produce an error free work. There are two basic reasons. First I have not had the good fortune to keep a professional quality editor and I must rely on the readers to point out glaring grammatical and spelling errors that both MS Word's spelling and grammar checker, and the software that reads the story to me failed to point out. Secondly, I have found that on occasion readers have asked a question about the series that lead me to come up with a new story idea.

I like to think that I am growing as a writer. My style and story telling method changes from one story to the next.

To be honest, I am deeply concerned that my stories are becoming longer. I'd like to add more description to them but am afraid that the extra detail would cause the reader to loose interest. For example, I have an unposted novella that contains two stories. Each story is very long and has very technical descriptions of devices. I have not posted it because I am sure I will loose the average reader. Unfortunately, I lack the skills to dumb them down enough to make the palatable. What makes matters worse is that I have gotten conflicting opinions as to whether the descriptions are too much. So, I'm sitting on it.

My goals as a write are as follows:

1. Develope the skills to produce commercial product.

2. Write a story that is in some way unique and enjoyable.

3. Reflect contemporary times and events so that the reader can associate with them on some level.

4. Inform or educate the reader when possible. For example, in that unposted story I was talking about the main character's wife is killed because the 'new' tires on his car are actually 12 years old and have dry rotted. I got the idea from an article on 20/20.

Most of what I try to write is what I hope are reasonably plausible love stories about two people who, for whatever reason, never got together until fate intervened. I like to describe it as mutual but unrequited love.

In the MatchMaker bandit's series, fate ultimately takes the form of the Bandits. In other stories fate may take the form of a sequence of events.

I am still experiementing with different styles and narrative methods.

Except for feedback that is blatantly insulting, all feedback has the potential to be helpful.

I write to entertain, not to create a masterpiece. I know my limitations. Too tell the truth, I'm not even sure that my works can truly be consider erotic... despite the fact that the plot is designed to lead to the love scene.

Right now, I am working on a horror book which will have no sex in it at all. I believe it is my most challenging work.

The purpose of the entire first part of the book is to mislead the reader into thinking that the main character is a serial killer. I purposely narrated with an almost impersonal and dispassionate voice in order to keep him within character and reinforce that assumption.

I have great concerns about not using much more than basic and bland general descriptions of things and people but the character has been doing what he does so long that it's become routine to him.

I must say that I think this is my most challenging work so far.

To give you an idea of what I am running into. He always uses the word "It" when refering to his prey. He never uses words like she, her or they when referencing them. I do this because I want the reader to assume that he is depersonalizing his victims. In reality, they are vampires and not living humans at all.

But I digress.

If you can get past the errors in my early works, please give them a try. I change narrative styles from one story to the next. Some are third person omniscient and others are first person perspective. A few have two people in the first person alternating the story telling so the reader gets two different views of the same event. When I do first person, the narrative style is usally less colorful and more conversational. Whatever the style, each story is unique in some way.

Thank you for being patient with this growing, 'young in experience' author.

You can be assured that your words have not fallen upon blind eyes and I shall consider them.


Max.