Feedback for Lillian and Sharon, please

[Qeda_Charlemaigne]

Hello, I'm one half of the duo comprising Qeda Charlemaigne.

Our stories are found in the Lesbian Sex category and are continuing the saga of two neighbors who find each other.

We started our story as just two friends chatting online. Somewhere along the line, we decided that it might fun to post the first story, "Lillian and Sharon," can be found here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=447617

We would really love to hear from everyone. We have received many positive responses, some from as far away and Brazil and even Japan. We hope that you will enjoy our first tale engrossing and that you will read the others in the series.

All our love to our (dare I say it?) fans.

And thank you in advance for your feedback. It will help us turn out better stories.

QC

P.S. Chapter 6 is in the works and should be finished before XXX-mas.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Good to see you.

First, this is a male stroke story, not a lesbian story. The absence of emotion and plot makes the good writing fall a bit flat.

Dialogue should always start a new paragraph - you wrap it up in text incorrectly.

Generally, I thought I've read this a zillion times before on lit and this adds nothing new. Girl gets down on girl - yeah, so? It's been done before - however good - and you must develop your characters to make us want to care how it turns out.

Given that, you write well and if you concentrate on a bit of plot, you'll do well here.

 

[Qeda_Charlemaigne]

You make some excellent points. As I stated, it started as two friends simply doing some erotic role-playing online. Besides, aren't sex stories supposed to be stroke stories? ;-)

The entire thing was pieced together from chat logs, hence the randomness of the characters.

As the story progresses, the focus centers more and more on Sharon and her feelings toward Lillian.

I haven't written anything with dialog since college, so the errors were the way in which the story was edited. I used to be a technical writer for a government contractor and still have that mindset.

Thank you so much for your input!