Feedback for First Story

[wxpprnpprnt]

Hello. My first story has been posted:

Unveiling Lina Abbas (Nonconsent/Reluctance)
by wxpprnpprnt

Here's the link:
https://www.literotica.com/s/unveiling-lina-abbas

It's about 6500 words (about 2 pages).

Themes are infidelity, interracial, reluctance, blackmail, hijab fetish I suppose, and heterosexual sex.

It is a blackmail/seduction type of tale focusing on a married Muslim woman and her white agnostic neighbor. I got really involved in making the characters. I tried hard to make them both feel alive and did a lot of research for Lina, but in the end I cut out the vast majority of the backstories and exposition. I'm hoping it comes through by implication, this is something I'm curious about in particular. I don't want Lina to feel like a cartoon or a prop. I tried to do her a bit of justice, at least to a reasonable degree for a sexual fantasy story.

Any feedback is appreciated. The only thing I'd say is that I definitely don't endorse the behavior of any character in the story, it's about a situation I personally find sexy and interesting, not one I find right or good. Regards!

 

[yukonnights]

I read you story and left a comment at the end. I found it to be well written and edited. I was actually surprised I liked it as much as I did since this kind of set-up and overall premise isn't my usual interest. I hope others will find it and bump your rating higher than the current 4.06 (just remember that a 2.5 would be a numerical average...so you're well above that. The non-con category can be one that is not viewed as much as some of the more popular ones.)

This may be your first story here, but based on the quality it seems you must have written some stories before...regardless, I would definitely encourage you to keep writing.

I'm sure there's some nit-picks to be found, as there all in all stories. But I didn't stumble on any worth mentioning.

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

Hello. My first story has been posted:
...Any feedback is appreciated.

I gave you 5 stars! Good stuff. But now I am going to rip your story. (Which is up to a 4.10). Spoiler alert!

[Warning:
OMFG. You get ten words for your warning. Stawp it with the drivel.

“…pausing briefly to check her hijab in a mirror. “ Was she wearing it in her house? Or did she put it on for him? I understand the hijab is for outside wearing.

“Lina was torn between reaching out to take her computer from Jason, possibly dumping the USB sticks with all of her files” This makes no sense. Is she unstable or something? How hard is it to balance a baggy on a flat laptop surface?

"No, go out, you are a crazy man. Sick man. Go the doctor." go TO the doctor? Or is she so flustered she can’t talk straight? For such a critical line, better is needed.

“Your husband will see what you started and will blame you more than me.” SLAM! the trap has closed

“Don't forget I have all your email contacts.” And now we’re in blackmail territory, which is a crime for him. Should have stopped when the trap closed.

"You know." Perfect. Don’t direct.

Nit to pick: “tossed it in a ball onto the couch.” I would think she would fold it rather than ball it, it has pins in it!

"Wow, Lina, you are beautiful. Do you know how beautiful you are? You have a lot of strength to hide such beauty." Lina didn't answer. Again, I think this is a critical transition that needs a touch more…flinched an instinctive smile? icy glare? something.

“Lina pulled off her tunic, revealing her modestly sized breasts clasped in a purple bra,” Good Lord that was fast. No hesitation? No pleading? Just off with the top. I’d say this needs like 100 more words.

“She felt herself getting turned on automatically and starting to get wet, by being looked at and by Jason's compliments.” Critical time, and as sentences go…this is one.

“Jason had a slight smile and was openly enjoying her body, more than her husband ever had.” But hubby loves her navel, right?

“Lina reached behind her and unbuckled her bra,” Again seems like the right time for a new round of protest. I would expand this paragraph a bit. She had carefully set up this event and is now just being a dead-fish? She should be more into it or out of it. I suggest a careful hand bra, more protests, refusal, compliments, acquiesce. Same with the panties, have her turn her back in modesty and then continue.

"Don't do that, don't turn around,” Guess he’s not an ass man. :-(

“Lina spread her labia apart with two fingers.” From the same hand or different hands? Key visual here.

“Jason placed his hands on Lina's buttocks “ Reached around, right?

“Lina was placidly watching Jason work her,” Placidly is a poor word here. This is the hottest scene in the story!

“She had such full lips.” There is no way Lina is thinking she has full lips, so we are now in Jason’s head…don’t head hop.

“…shy Muslim wife she had been just an hour or so ago.” Bro, this was not an hour in the making. Maybe 20 minutes tops.

“Jason felt how much…” Back in Jason’s head and then “A wave of extreme tenderness in his feelings toward Lina. Lina was too thoroughly conflicted to feel anything” head hopping again.

“Jason finally made the first move,…” Clearly this was not his first move, lol.

"What I did?" she said. Sorry, this made me laugh. “What i did, yo? “ Anyway.

Good first story! And now, time for another beer.

 

[wxpprnpprnt]

I read you story and left a comment at the end. I found it to be well written and edited. I was actually surprised I liked it as much as I did since this kind of set-up and overall premise isn't my usual interest. I hope others will find it and bump your rating higher than the current 4.06 (just remember that a 2.5 would be a numerical average...so you're well above that. The non-con category can be one that is not viewed as much as some of the more popular ones.)

This may be your first story here, but based on the quality it seems you must have written some stories before...regardless, I would definitely encourage you to keep writing.

I'm sure there's some nit-picks to be found, as there all in all stories. But I didn't stumble on any worth mentioning.

Wow, thanks, very nice to hear that. I've dabbled with unpublished experiments but this is my first original and publicly posted story of any kind. I don't expect it to do very well with votes. I can think of many reasons why people may knee-jerk downvote it.

The tropes I start with are pretty common which will turn off some people, and then I think the characters don't quite progress the typical way. Lina makes her own decisions at the end and doesn't just turn into a "slut", and Jason starts questioning himself and the very alpha-male confidence these stories usually hinge on. Might dissapoint some readers lol.

Some may also object to the religious/racial stereotypes. This point is not without reason, but I'd remind them to look at the warning I added before the story.

Thanks again, I really do appreciate it.

 

[wxpprnpprnt]

Replying to astuffedshirt_perv

Wow that is a goldmine of good points to consider. Getting the flow of her psychological state was the most interesting thing and the most difficult thing for me, I made endless changes. I will definitely consider all you've written in that regard when I do an edit.

About Lina's English, she's a recent Arab immigrant with few opportunities to practice speaking, so I've tried to write her dialog with typical mistakes I've actually heard from that demographic. Not easy to do but I felt it was needed for the character. Maybe some lines are just too wacky. In the deleted backstory section, Lina's imperfect English is one of the things Jason liked about her.

The only thing I don't understand how to approach is the head-hopping. I saw that as a feature, not a bug, an advantage of the 3rd person perspective. I like to "cut" between both characters' inner worlds. Is this really a problem? I'll read some reference material on that issue and see if there's not a better way.

Thank you very much for your extensive response!

 

[ElectricBlue]

The only thing I don't understand how to approach is the head-hopping. I saw that as a feature, not a bug, an advantage of the 3rd person perspective. I like to "cut" between both characters' inner worlds. Is this really a problem? I'll read some reference material on that issue and see if there's not a better way.

Even with third person narration, it's often better to "rest in one head" for a while. Head hopping is jarring if it's too rapid - it's easy to confuse the reader. Long sequences from one point of view followed by another long sequence in the other pov, with a clearly sign-posted transition tends to work best; that way the reader knows exactly whose head they are in. Cutting between thoughts is fine, provided the reader doesn't get lost.

An alternative is to have a very close omniscient narrator, almost with their own personality - I've found, somehow, you can go closer in to both character's thoughts if your narrator is almost "chatty". However, this can break the fourth wall, and you need to be very careful with that, I think; and your narrator will tend towards the unreliable, and not every story needs that.

 

[wxpprnpprnt]

Even with third person narration, it's often better to "rest in one head" for a while. Head hopping is jarring if it's too rapid - it's easy to confuse the reader. Long sequences from one point of view followed by another long sequence in the other pov, with a clearly sign-posted transition tends to work best; that way the reader knows exactly whose head they are in. Cutting between thoughts is fine, provided the reader doesn't get lost.

An alternative is to have a very close omniscient narrator, almost with their own personality - I've found, somehow, you can go closer in to both character's thoughts if your narrator is almost "chatty". However, this can break the fourth wall, and you need to be very careful with that, I think; and your narrator will tend towards the unreliable, and not every story needs that.

Thanks, that's something to consider, I honestly was totally unaware of this issue. I'll spend some time researching how to establish transitions, it might be tough since I'm cutting up such a tiny span of time, maybe I'll rewrite it focus on one person max per paragraph or something, hmm... Very glad this came up as I can build for this from the ground up in future pieces.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks, that's something to consider, I honestly was totally unaware of this issue. I'll spend some time researching how to establish transitions, it might be tough since I'm cutting up such a tiny span of time, maybe I'll rewrite it focus on one person max per paragraph or something, hmm... Very glad this came up as I can build for this from the ground up in future pieces.

I'd not read your story before I wrote my comment, but have done so now.

I thought your transitioning was fine, it was obvious as to whose head you were in. I also thought the story was a nice little take on the question I suspect many a western man has asked, "what does she look like behind the veil?" You answered it with just the right amount of spice - a swift little vignette, suspending disbelief.

If I were you, I'd leave it exactly as it is, a tease. There's no need to succumb to the endless pleas of "more with these two." Better, I think, to take the same themes and explore them differently, explore them anew.

With regard to the pov, for a short piece like this, I'd be inclined to have told it just through her eyes, keeping the male pov for another story altogether. There's a whole lot of stuff to be explored here, the cultural, religious differences.

I'd also be inclined to not put such stories in Non-con and Reluctance, because I think the issues you might be exploring wouldn't be predominantly that (noting that many non-con category readers seem to want something harder); but more so the cultural differences. Inter-racial might be a softer place to land, but I'm not sure.

Just a few technical things I spotted: speech punctuation, mainly:

"Oh, Jason. Hi. Did you fixed it?" She asked, smiling hopefully.

"Sorry to tell you, it's dead." Lina's smile turned into a childlike pout.

"Oh. Ok."

should read:

"Oh, Jason, hi. Did you fix it?" she asked, smiling hopefully.

"Sorry to tell you, it's dead."

"Oh. OK." Lina's smile turned into a childlike pout.

- lower case 'she,' otherwise it's a sentence stub.
- your speech tag on Jason's line incorrectly attributed the dialogue to him.
- I noted your explanation that 'fixed it' could be her poor English, but most readers would spot it as an error, I think, rather than her way of speaking. Her other spoken clumsiness worked for me, though. Other minor glitches like that, scattered throughout; but nothing too horrible to read.

I think you could make a little niche for yourself, with more stories like this .

 

[wxpprnpprnt]

Thanks, Electricblue66, those are good points. I'll definitely zap those blatant errors you pointed out when I do the edit, and may consider re-categorizing it also. I got the impression that "interracial" was almost equivalent to black/white interracial stories and wasn't sure how this would go down there.

Honestly I think this story hits on the line between a few categories (NC/R, Loving Wives, Interracial, Exhibitionist/Voyeurism) and doesn't really fit into any of them exactly, I spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about how to label it lol.

I've got two things in the pipe in outline forms, one is indeed a sequel to this I'm kind of on the fence about (I started to care about Lina too much, just like Jason, and am reluctant to rip her life apart further!), the other is a story with similar themes, but relying more on a couple of accidents and the hypnotic effect of a night-train setting to trigger the taboo romance, rather than scheming. The latter might be a better follow up. I feel like if I add another chapter to this story it might just turn into infinite vignettes that will lack the punch of the first, better to let people imagine what happens next I think.

 

[yukonnights]

I'm glad some others have jumped in. One thing I wanted to touch on are the couple of comments about the supposed dialogue mistakes. I read them just as you intended...as broken English.

Not to say it didn't trip up the other readers, which makes it something to work on for the next non-native English speaking character. Somehow I guess you need to just make the poor English more obvious somehow??? Perhaps in some cases you could have the character apologize for not being very fluent early in the story? Or maybe dialogue with a pause to ask; "...what is the word for X"?

Just one more thought; If you ignore the broken English (which I don't see as errors), I don't know if an edit is really needed. Your call, but maybe it'd be best to put a new one out while the readers you have attracted still remember your name. Your call.

Hope this new outlet for your creativity brings good things into your life!

 

[ElectricBlue]

I feel like if I add another chapter to this story it might just turn into infinite vignettes that will lack the punch of the first, better to let people imagine what happens next I think.

I agree. I think you can tell when a writer intends their first darling to be a stand-alone short story, but they then get seduced by the one or two readers who leave comments asking for more.

You'll develop faster and better as a writer, I think, by writing a larger number of shorter pieces; learn your chops, teach yourself how to self-edit if that's your thing, learn your style - and once you've done your apprenticeship (a dozen three-Lit-pagers, maybe), then go tackle something more ambitious. You've got the rest of your life to write the next greatest novel, so there's no need to do it in the first five minutes.

If it was me, I wouldn't even fuss with editing your first story. You'll achieve more by writing the next one .

 

[wxpprnpprnt]

I agree. I think you can tell when a writer intends their first darling to be a stand-alone short story, but they then get seduced by the one or two readers who leave comments asking for more.

You'll develop faster and better as a writer, I think, by writing a larger number of shorter pieces; learn your chops, teach yourself how to self-edit if that's your thing, learn your style - and once you've done your apprenticeship (a dozen three-Lit-pagers, maybe), then go tackle something more ambitious. You've got the rest of your life to write the next greatest novel, so there's no need to do it in the first five minutes.

If it was me, I wouldn't even fuss with editing your first story. You'll achieve more by writing the next one .

Thanks, chipping away at a new one. It will be pretty similar to the first, but I want to see if I can make one that works without the blackmail/nonconsent element and yet still be believable, ie no resorting to "instant slut syndrome", the female character keeps her agency and inner conflict, but it still gets sexy. It's very difficult and I'm having to introduce multiple flukes and coincidences to get the two characters together alone and push things along, but the challenge interests me. Thanks to all for the feedback.