Feedback for Anatomy Please!

[WetDreamXoX]

Hi everyone!
I'm new here and have started my first story, but before I finish it up I was hoping to get some constructive feedback on what has already been posted so I have a clearer direction in what's expected/encouraged.
Thanks so much in advance!
http://www.literotica.com/s/anatomy-ch-01

 

[PennLady]

The one thing that's really expected or encouraged would be sex.

I haven't read your story, but I'd advise this -- don't worry about what is expected or encouraged. It's your story, after all, so you should write what you want it to say. Feedback is great, I admit (when it's positive and/or civil), but as has been said on many threads before, you can't write by committee. Not to mention that if you write to please everyone, you'll please no one.

 

[PennLady]

I did read your story. I'm pondering my reaction and feedback.

 

[MaxSebastian]

Here are my thoughts on it, although overall I'd say it's just too short to really make the most of the story. The idea (spoiler alert!) of the boyfriend encouraging her to expose herself to a stranger in the library is potentially hot, but you take an age to get to it, and then you don't make the most of it when you get there, before finishing the chapter before anything actually happens.

1. End your equal opportunities paragraphing policy - your paragraphs (other than dialog) are mostly all the same length and far too chunky, which makes it hard to read. Mix it up a lot more - none as long as your current paragraphs, either preferably.

2. Most of the story is backstory, and when eventually you get to something active actually happening, rather than the expected sex scene (okay, it is only Ch.1) suddenly you slip back into the back history for a seriously anticlimactic end to the piece. I think you need to change the balance of the story so it's mostly about what's happening now - perhaps the occasional line or two referring to the kinds of thing these characters have done in the past, but we're more interested in what's happening now.

3. There's far too much mundane detail before your protagonist actually does anything - do we need to know why she feels the need to study in the library? She's a student - students study at the college library! The whole thought process as she eventually gets to the library is v.slow and you'll lose readers because of it.

4. Overall, it's too short to really develop anything, but there's no real development of the guy being given the show in the library, and then when we're wondering if he's actually going to be involved in anything, the piece just suddenly ends.

It reads as though you're writing it with no real end in sight, which can irritate readers on Lit (I know, I've done it a few times), so might be good to get a whole load of chapters done and explore the relationship dynamics fully before posting.

But, I'd say the central idea has potential.

M

 

[PennLady]

I have to agree with Max on many points.

The first thing that struck me was that your paragraphs were too long. Blocks of text on screen are hard to read. Shorter graphs are better and I think you could easily have broken them up.

I realize this is first person, but I think that you spent too much time "telling," instead of showing. For example, you spend a lot of time telling the reader about an incident that happened some undetermined time ago. Weeks? Months? It might have made more of an impact if the narrator talked about it happening the day or two before. And if she's an exhibitionist, I'd think she'd have more description about those watching (or, perhaps, pretending they aren't watching). And it would still work with her thinking about future "tanning sessions."

A couple of "factual" things that just struck me -- why is the boyfriend being a jerk and not letting her study? I mean, yeah, I know, it's college and etc., but still. If finals are coming and she needs to study and this guy is really posing a problem, well, he's a jerk.

As for dressing in the library -- I get the problem with the temp difference, but why doesn't she wear shorts? That's what most people wear in hot weather. It might have worked better if she'd put the skirt on with the idea that she'd flash people, since she is an exhibitionist.

The boyfriend says, via iChat, "Then show me." How can she show him anything? He can't see her.

I'd have to agree that the last bit does take away the momentum. One minute she has the guy across from her all but drooling and the next is all about a possible session with her boyfriend.

Since this is an exhibitionism story, I guess I'd expect more interaction, direct or indirect, with the people she is teasing. I get that she'd want to go back to her boyfriend, but if it's the exhibitionism that gets her off, I'd expect more description of the other people's reaction to her.

 

[Metamorphose]

I think it was hot. The last part was redundant, could have been better without it.

Nice going with the first voice - most people dont handle 1st voice well. Your storyteller is however strong and interesting enough.

Good job.