Feedback for an old story of mine

[thebobber326]

I posted the story, "Grace Breaks Caitlin" and it's second chapter a while ago but I never posted it onto the forum so I figured I may as well.

It's a noncon story about a lesbian taking and breaking in a new slave. There's also a chapter 2 so I'll link them both here.

https://literotica.com/s/grace-breaks-caitlin

https://literotica.com/s/grace-breaks-caitlin-ch-02

I'm really looking for any kind of feedback, so even the smallest comments are appreciated!

 

[TheRedChamber]

I read both chapters. It's difficut to give feedback for this kind of work because there is not really any story nor is there any real characters - it's just a series of extreme sexual activity. Judging by the comments and the ratings, there's an audience for this that it appreciate.

One thing you could potentially look at is the perspective. You're using third person and nearly everything is narrated what Caitlins is thinking or feeling. Occassionally however, you switch slighlty and give us insights about what Grace wants, but far fewer. This feels a litte inbalanced and these switches to Grace can cause confusion - you say "after half an hour of fun", but in a paragraph from Caitlin's perspective and she's clearly not having fun. You also repeat "Grace was loving this" in two different paragraphs (although the second is more explicit about what she's loving). This is particularly jarring as we get so little of Grace's inner monologue in the story. It might be better either to tell the story entirely from Caitlin's perspective and don't tell us what Grace is thinking, or else balance out the paragraphs which focus on each characters more.

 

[thebobber326]

I read both chapters. It's difficut to give feedback for this kind of work because there is not really any story nor is there any real characters - it's just a series of extreme sexual activity. Judging by the comments and the ratings, there's an audience for this that it appreciate.

One thing you could potentially look at is the perspective. You're using third person and nearly everything is narrated what Caitlins is thinking or feeling. Occassionally however, you switch slighlty and give us insights about what Grace wants, but far fewer. This feels a litte inbalanced and these switches to Grace can cause confusion - you say "after half an hour of fun", but in a paragraph from Caitlin's perspective and she's clearly not having fun. You also repeat "Grace was loving this" in two different paragraphs (although the second is more explicit about what she's loving). This is particularly jarring as we get so little of Grace's inner monologue in the story. It might be better either to tell the story entirely from Caitlin's perspective and don't tell us what Grace is thinking, or else balance out the paragraphs which focus on each characters more.

Thanks! That's not something I had considered before. I sorta just wrote things as they came to mind so maybe for the next one, I'll try out either doubling down on Caitlin or balancing it more evenly and see if that works better.