Feedback for a True story??

[Bitch2003]

I finally have a story accepted Any feedback on the story would be greatly appreciated.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=208275

Thank you in advance for your help!!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Most readers don't care whether a story's really true or not. It still has to read like a hot story.

There's a difference between telling a reader things that happened on the one hand, and painting a picture that draws them into the scene on the other. It's kind of like the difference between someone telling you what a movie's about, and seeing the movie yourself.

Your story's of the telling type in that it doesn't really show us the details of what's happening, and so we feel kind of distanced from what you're relating. What we want is the movie itself. We want to see the sex and the emotions. Instead what we get is your report of what happened.

I'd suggest that you read some stories on the site and see some of the devices authors use to make a scene come to life--description, dialogue, and detail are three of them. That'll give your writing more immediacy.

You seem to have plenty of material to write about. Take the reader into the scene with you and make them a witness to the action and you'll have some very hot stuff.

All the best,

---dr.M.

 

[Bitch2003]

Thanks for the Reply!

 

[codygirl]

holy holy, from another woman, that story was truly truly hot and we all want to find a man like yours, intelligent and sensitive, big hard and strong. i can't tell you me how many parts of that story got me sooooo hot. i had always thought the deep throat orgasm was unattainable, but i have never gone as far as you did, never had a lover that i could trust sooo much. i too get very very hot when fellating, and i'm sure many other women do as well. i am going to make it my endeavour with my next trusted lover to try what you just taught me. keep the stories coming hon,

 

[Bitch2003]

Oh Thank you!! The encouragement was so awesome!!! Thanks!

 

[Guest]

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=354148

 

[Lustin Kink]

After reading your submission I have no doubt that you have the experience and imagination necessary to create some truly exciting stories. Dr. Mabeuse touched on many of the points in his reply that I would convey. Your story reads as if you were discussing your experience over drinks with a girlfriend.

Communicating as much detail as possible is important in that it allows the reader to feel like he/she is witnessing the scene first hand or actually living the scene as opposed to hearing a third person play by play. One line in your story reads as:

"When he was ready to cum, he again shoved his cock in my throat and literally came down my throat."

This line could be written as:

"His howls of pleasure told me he was ready to cum. His cock exploded as he took two fistfuls of my hair and slammed his rod deep into my mouth. The feeling of his hot, sticky load sliding down my throat and his balls slapping on my chin caused my pussy to flood from my own climax."

.....or something like that.

A good idea also is to avoid repetition. For example, for every reference to your orgasms, that was the one word you used. Some alternatives are came, cum, climax, reached ecstacy, etc.

Dr. Mabeuse gave you the best advice about reading the work of other writers. It doesn't necessarily have to be erotica. Reading how published authors write is always a big help. I feel that Stephen King is a good one for character development and dialogue.

Spelling and grammar are also very important. If you are writing with MS Word, always use spellcheck. Be sure to proofread or, better yet, have a friend proofread your work. A second set of eyes will usually pick up on errors you may have missed. I feel that when using numbers in your writing, typing out the word as opposed to using the digit is the best choice to make.

Please keep writing. I have no doubt that as you improve you will produce some amazing stories for all of us to enjoy. I'll keep watching for more of your submissions.

~Lustin Kink

P.S. My replies aren't normally this long but based on how hot your topics are, I really would like to see your writing style improve. You have tremendous potential.

 

[Bitch2003]

Thank you for the imput! I will have to say that I agree with much of what you said after going back thru the story myself.

This was a very different type of story for me in my usual writing. I guess I did try to convey it as if I were sitting across from someone telling the story. Since it's not my usual type (my fantasies) I had to come up with a different style. I will take into consideration all that I read here in order to become a much better writer!

Again, thank you.