Feedback for a Newbie?

[Gabriel Oak]

Hi Guys,

Any thoughts on my first effort "These Golden Threads" at http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=229643 ?

It's fairly short, but I hope to see what people think before I write reams of stuff that is not up to standard.

I'm mostly interested in any opinions on the prose style, ...and whether or not the overall piece is in any way erotic for you.

If it seems OK, I'm toying with expanding this character set and theme into a novella, but have never attmpted anything like this before.

Any comments good or bad will be welcome.

Cheers

Gabe

 

[evelyn_carroll]

Quickie reaction

It’s OK. As to the prose style, I might have preferred the language to reflect the time a little more; e.g. would a character in Tom Jones or Humphrey Clinker have used the word ‘cockhead’? Methinks not. Similarly, ‘colleague’ doesn’t sound quite right for a fellow guildsman.

Erotic? Well. I think a well-written piece is always slightly erotic. Extreme it’s not; but she’s quite sensuously described. I would have like more: were her movements nervous, coltish? Do we get a glimpse of the bush? Etc.

You have yet to write any dialogue, I notice.

Good luck
Evelyn

 

[Gabriel Oak]

Thanks Evelyn...

Yes, I agree with you in hindsight about "colleague" but am not sure "cockhead" ( sounds bizarre in isolation don't it!) is too far off the mark though. Granted you won't see it in TJ or HC for obvious publishing reasons...but they had some pretty blunt and inventive terminology in the real world.

Could have given more detail on the girl, you're right. Will need to "flesh" out each epsiode a good bit more if it's to be convincing, but I don't want to go too full-on graphic, for no other reason than there is already plenty of it here, and I'd prefer to try and work on the mood and the tension as well as the fucking.

Ahh yes... the dialogue thing!....perhaps there's a subconscious reason I started with a vouyerism scene then!

Thanks very much for you time.

Gabe

 

[evelyn_carroll]

Good answer.

I think you will do well here. Keep at it. Dialogue is a very different skill. And ... how the fuck do wannabe writers like us ever get published? One of life's great mysteries, eh?
Best
E

PS. After Middlemarch, HC is one about the best thing written in the English language IMNSHO. Very rude!

 

[kbate]

I was struck by the consistent use of adverbs. You should use stronger verbs to describe the action rather than using slowly, gently, smoothly, etc..

The pace and setting are fine if a little clumsy. A stronger opening would help rather than the description of the gap in the timber's edge.

The story is quite nice but the language in places is a bit too stilted even for intentionally stilted English.

 

[Gabriel Oak]

Thanks Kate

Just the sort of thoughtful opinion I was seeking.

Point taken about the adverbs, and the opening.

Many thanks

Gabe

 

[spyro1123]

Yes, I agree with you in hindsight about "colleague" but am not sure "cockhead" ( sounds bizarre in isolation don't it!) is too far off the mark though. Granted you won't see it in TJ or HC for obvious publishing reasons...but they had some pretty blunt and inventive terminology in the real world.
Gabe

You are correct they might have, actually cockhead was almost certainly used, more of an issue with glans personally.

The point i wanted to make was that historically accurate or not, we are talking about how your reader thinks of the words not so much wether they were in use at the time.

I find romance novels exellent places to look for interesting names for pieces of anatomy that sound like they belong in period stories. Although they make me laugh alot.

He he, welcome to the adverb club, i agree with the advise, and have recieved it often.

One of the things you do very well in this story is to have your protaginist end up somewhere different at the end of the story than he was at the begining. I dont much like where he ends up personally, but thats not important And those closing feelings and thoughts were by far the best part of the story to me, it was the most natural and the most in keeping with the time period you seem to be setting up.

Interesting story, wondering if there will be more

spy