Feedback for a failing story, please!

[CallMeBambi]

Hey, so I started writing this story some time ago, and got a long time have been coming back to it but haven't been able to finish it. I know it's going to be five parts, and I've already written the first two parts, and have a rough early draft of the fourth part, and a start on the fifth. However I have been stuck on the third part for a long time, and I absolutely hated the original draft of the third part, so I've been redoing it for a while, but have run aground, and have been that way for sometime.

Here are the links to the first two parts. I'd like to get someone's feedback as to where they think it's going, and how the pacing of the story has been so far. Any help is appreciated.

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-story-about-the-body-ch-01

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-story-about-the-body-ch-02

P.S. I typed this post on my phone. I apologize for any terrible errors or typos.

 

[Amoronaut]

Haven't had time to read it yet, but why are you so fixated on the length of the story? Why don't you just it let it unfold naturally and come to it's natural conclusion.

If you are having difficulty writing the 3rd part, how can you get started on the 4th and 5th parts? What if you decide to introduce something vital to the story line in that 3rd part?

Maybe you are trying to think too far ahead and your story. Get into the head of your characters...what is the next thing they would do in response to what has happened so far?

 

[sr71plt]

I think your first problem is in not having any idea where your story is going before you started posting it here. You are expecting rather a lot for a reader to hold trust with you on finishing the story.

 

[PennLady]

I just read it and I have to ask - where are you going with this? Do you know? So far it's not a lot of... well, I was going to say fun to read but I'm not sure that's quite right. Fun isn't always what you're after.

I can't say I find Serena very likeable, and that's okay, but I also can't find a lot of reason to empathize or sympathize with her. Perhaps you need a little more background on her or something. When I was reading the first scene with Cassandra, I couldn't believe Serena just didn't get up and walk away. A total stranger comes and starts touching you? Perhaps I could understand a few minutes of frozen shock, but then, come on.

When I say more background, I'm not talking about a bio of the character. But why would she respond to someone like Cassandra by doing anything other than leaving, for example?

I wish I could give you a little more help, but if you don't know where you want to go, then no one can help you get there.

 

[QuantumJumping]

Story line

First, i would like to know about the protagonist more. Why that Cafe? Neighbourhood, friends. Details of environment. Maybe she looks at herself in mirror and describes herself to us.
Need details about the breakup before Jeremy shows up again for the punishment fuck.
Need to know some girlfriends, daily routines, education.
Okay, abrupt intro of psychic is off putting.
They should see each other on and off at the Cafe for a couple of weeks before such intimate contact.
In the meantime we hear about the protagonist's past life, present circumstances, daily routines, writing efforts, social status, economic situation. Make her a real person.
Psychic can give her heads up on minor things.
" Oh, you're having a good day! Buy a lotto ticket!" she wins a hundred bucks. Small things like that.
Acclimatize readers to characters and situations.
Hope something I said helps.

 

[SamScribble]

I think if you are going to put up multipart stories, you need to have a pretty good idea of the whole story before you start posting.

The reader needs a reason to read. This doesn’t mean that you have to outline the story on the first page, but I believe it does mean that, by the end of the first page, the reader needs to believe that you know where the story is going. I didn’t get that feeling from the first page of Chapter One.

Also, I had trouble believing that the narrator was a writer. She didn’t write well enough. If she had claimed to be a nurse or a travel agent, I could have stopped worrying about her writing and got on with reading. But I couldn’t. By the end of page one, I had had enough.

You already have pretty respectable reader ratings for Chapters One and Two; but, regardless, I would be inclined to take them down, think through the entire story, write a whole draft, strengthen the beginning, and start posting all over again.

Good luck.