Feedback for 1st Submission

For whatever my useless opinion is worth:

I think the premise is interesting, a chance encounter in the woods between two people. There's potential for interesting things there. However, the story is very short, not that a longer story of itself would make it better. It's not about the length really, but more about the fact that you've barely given the reader a chance to get to know your characters, and ultimately I think it would be more interesting if we knew enough about them to understand WHY they would be disposed to have this chance sexual encounter in the first place and how they felt as the events unfolded. In exploring that aspect of the story and characters you, as the writer, might think of things, actions and feelings that they might have that might increase the sexual tension--which is another thing lacking in the story, I think.

As far as pure grammar goes, it would be much easier to read and more grammatically correct if you followed the rules of dialogue, meaning that each time someone new talks, a new paragraph is begun. If it's all jumbled together, it becomes cumbersome for the reader to determine who's talking at any given time.

In the beginning of the story, you seem to mix tenses--moving from past to present tense and then back to past tense. Unless there's some narrative reason you're doing that (and I think it would have to be a pretty good and specific one) you should pick a tense and stick with it. Again, it'll make the story much easier to read and less distracting for those who are merely trying to immerse themselves in the world you've created.

Aside from that, there just wasn't enough... description, especially during the sex. As an example, at one point your story describes the female character "gasping and swearing out loud". My first question is what did she say? What did the gasps sound like? Especially if your writing in the first person (which you are) it becomes exceedingly important to give good visceral descriptions of what's happening, especially about characters other than the main one because we have no way of getting inside their heads to know what they are feeling directly.

Anyway, once again, I'm a relatively new author here as well, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. If it's useful to you though, my overall thoughts were that the story needed some grammar and editing work to make it a more effortless and less distracting read, and in terms of the story itself, it needed more... chracterization, more tension. Without it, it simply becomes a story about two relatively emotionless and superficial characters having a relatively insignificant sexual encounter.

Don't be discouraged, though. Keep writing. Write for YOU first, and for me and the other readers second. It takes a little bit of effort, but you can easily do both if you're so inclined. The emotions and motives of these characters might be crystal clear to you, but I just wasn't able to see it as a reader.
 
MLyons said:

Anyway, once again, I'm a relatively new author here as well, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. If it's useful to you
A big fucking lie, folks. That's what authors do.

Stay away from this place. It'll fucking kill you.
 
This seems like a well-meaning little fantasy, but I've got to tell you: those jumps in verb tense just bugged the hell out of me and prevented me from taking the story seriously. That's totally unacceptable and you've really got to get that under control.

MLyons gave you some very good advice, and I would second everything he (she? sorry) said. I know that this is Literotica, and we deal in fantasy here, but even so, fantasy should at least be plausible. It's rather unusual in my experience for a woman to approach a perfect stranger and for no apparent reason begin to engage in sex with him. I mean, it just makes no sense. I know what it's like to write an erotic story and want to skip the preliminaries and get right to the good parts, but really, you've got to give the reader at least a hint of plausible motivation for what's going on.

The piece reads like a man's daydream. Daydreams are fine, but they don't always make for compelling erotic fiction. This is a pretty good first effort, but it needs motivation and detail to make it come alive.

---dr.M.
 
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