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[Nudemodel]

Writers have to wonder. Feedback would be nice for my two stories. If you put in the thread like I am doing, I'll read yours, if you wrote something.

1. "Interracial Anilingus" http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=14472

2. "Slave Whore Teacher"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=14613

 

[Ulyssa]

I really tried with your first story.

Interracial Analingus is a tough read for me.

I don't know what made you decide to introduce a crowd scene for your very first story, but I found that after a few pages of over a dozen names forcefully interacting with no one but themselves, I had to back away from your piece.

If you don't like your characters--or in this case where you tell us in no uncertain terms that you are superior to your characters, why should we like them enough to continue reading?

You've got the mechanics down pretty well, NM, but you have to give us something to grasp on to besides sex with dirty girls who talk dirty is probably an excuse to get really dirty.

On the other hand, somebody's gonna love this piece. There's just no accountng for Taste.

I will try your second story at a later time.

[Edited by Ulyssa on 05-16-2001 at 05:27 AM]

 

[p_p_man]

I write in a different style to yourself...

...and what I try to avoid are lists. I read your Slave Whore Teacher and found that the description you gave of the surroundings and the boys were slightly overdone.

It wasn't necessary to list all their names or the way they were dressed.

[All five black boys wore gray or khaki dress-code school slacks, tee shirts, and sneakers. They were tall athletic-looking, and had short haircuts. Two had just turned eighteen, one was eighteen-and-a-half, and two were nineteen.]

As I said I write in a different style but I would have said something like - "The five black boys in their late teens wore the uniform of the school. The way they handled themselves indicated a group that liked to work out and their short haircuts hid nothing of their features."

[They waited in the corridor of a run-down high school building in big city black ghetto after the last class of the day. Their new Geography teacher, a thirty-seven-year-old blond blue-eyed white woman, Miss Lee – Wendy Lee – was from one of the southern states and had been teaching there for about two weeks. They had her eight o'clock class in the morning. But they had some other plans for her before then.]

My version would be something like - "The gloomy, urine smelling corridor where they waited after school was one of the more attractive places in the High School building. But the surrounding black ghetto of the city held no interest for them. They were anticipating a meeting with Miss Wendy Lee."

My version isn't perfect by any means but I've tried to avoid making a list to describe the opening situation.

I think it was Hitchcock who said that more can be conveyed by what you don't show than what you do. He was talking about films at the time but the same can be said of stories.

Anyway keep writing - you should have read my first attempts!!